When should I say enough?
Hi everyone. I am new here and man am I glad I found this place. I thought I was going crazy. Or maybe I was just a mean, hateful person. Cuz thats what I have been made out to be. A little bit of background info.
I have been dating my bf for 3yrs. (High school sweetheart, known for 30 yrs) He lives with me and has for over a year now. He doesn't have bio kids but he has skids from his marriage. He basically raised them. I have 4 kids of my own. All of mine are grown except one he is 11.
I have never dated anyone who has kids because I really don't want anyone else's problems. I have been a strict mother requiring my kids to work and go to college. Each of my kids have great careers and know the value of work. His kids, (boys) one is 25, one 20 and one (the devil) she is 10. Not one of the older kids have jobs unless you consider xbox a job. The devil child.. Can't even tie her shoes without help. This being one problem but the bigger problem is I have been made out to be a royal raunch because I won't tie her shoes for her, or make her a bowl of cereal and I require her to make her bed and clean up after herself when she is here. His older kids, I have been asked to use my family connections to get them jobs and when I refuse I again get called names (by his kids and ex) and told I have no compassion.
My bf has paid for his ex's rent, cell, insurance and what ever the kids need. Yet she has a job and it pays good money (his words)
Every time his daughter comes over (every other weekend) I try my best to be nice but I refuse to do the simple tasks she should be doing. And each time she goes home my bf gets a call or txt saying I'm a "B" and was mean and the she doesn't want to come over again. etc. He gets threatened that he wont see her unless he leaves me. He has been told that I am not allowed to be alone with her and neither are my children.
We have never been mean or harmed her, so to see if this was all made up bs we planned a trap. We had her for 10 days and we took her to the amusement park, swimming, movies, we had long talks we went to breakfast alone together and spent $800 on clothes for her. So guess what happened? Yep, the call came in that she was treated badly etc and she has not come to over since. (7 weeks ago)
Now my bf is mad at me that he can't see her. But I pleaded my case and described the time with her to refresh his memory. (he was there) But still no visits from her. Then today, his ex calls (she calls and txts a lot!) She is wanting him to babysit next week cuz her regular is out of town. I am sure there are the same stipulations of me not being allowed to be alone with her.
Now I'm stress again. Am I being set up for failure or misery? Do I have to spend a weekend being fake?
When do I say I've had enough or just break up with him. At the place I am right now with our relationship I am falling out of love quickly. I don't know what to do. I feel as though the skids and the ex are getting what they want. I don't know how to talk to him anymore and when I look at him I just want to cry. He say's he doesn't know what to do or say to them. So in the meantime I am the one thrown under the bus. I can not stand his ex and his kids. I know she is trying to break us up. And even if she wants him back she would toss him away again and cheat on him as she did so many times in the past. I don't understand any of it.
Thanks for listening.
Ask him if he wants to spend
Ask him if he wants to spend the rest of his life girl-friend hopping because no one will put up with his bratty step daughter and her crazy mom. No woman in her right mind would put up with the behaviors you are describing long term.
His answer should tell you what you need to know. Do not sign up for this for the rest of your life. Being called names, and your BF tolerating that, is NOT OKAY. He is supposed to be your partner, not theirs.
Things wont change.
Things wont change. Personally I would ask him to move out, no way would I allow any person to speak or treat me like that.
This isnt about you, this is about your bf and his skids issues. You gave us a prime example of an absolutely delightful sounding holiday, you treated your bf's skid to, and you get treated like that? So there is nothing you can DO to prevent this, unless you decide to protect your sanity, your self respect and instead of begging forgiveness/reason from bf which is in fact nuturing his twisted perspective that this is all your fault, after all anyone who is innocent wouldnt do that would they ? (Just saying this is probably what he is thinking in his deluded mind) decide to completely eradicate these "skids" out of your life.
Why are you putting up with them? They are bf's problem, and if a child treated me like that then they wouldnt be coming back into my home. After all if you take yourself and your family out of the equation (you arent stopping bf from seeing them, just not at your home) they wouldnt be able to blame you for mistreating them as you dont actually see them (they may accuse you of stopping them from seeing bf, but he can toddle off himself if he wishes) I wouldnt want to hear about it either from bf, nor would BM be permitted to call my home. As for a partner who verbally and emotionally abused me, well he would be asked to leave and then possibly kicked to the kerb if he didnt improve.
Hi Allgirls, Yes, he is being
Hi Allgirls,
Yes, he is being a dad out of the goodness of his heart but I think its because of guilt as well. When we first started dating he said he didn't want to be their dad, they're not his kids etc. But his mother told him that is wrong and that he needed to man up. I understand where his mother is coming from and thought it was very sweet of him to do this.
But now I think he has been taken advantage of. Each of the kids are by different dads and not a one of them have anything to do with the kids. I too think this adds to the guilt. But non the less its gotten out of hand.
I have asked that we all talk about this with the kid and then he will be able to see the lies and manipulation going on (did not say that part to him) He did try a couple weeks ago to talk to the devil child hi and he brought up all the points I had made and she said, "I do not want to talk about it, period." When he told me this I said that sounds like his ex talking. He said he did not know if it was that or not. I also said that when someone doesn't want to talk about the points you're trying to make (because they are true) they are lying and don't want to get caught. I then said he needs to be a dad and not allow a 10yr old to dictate what is going to happen. If he allows her to have it her way now then when she is older it will only be worse.
I also made point of how her teachers have called weekly to complain about her behavior and lying in school. It's not just here or me.
I don't know how to get him to set boundaries with his ex, I don't even know what to say to him as far as ideas. He has said he doesn't know what to do. I do see where he is coming from on trying to give the kid a life. Her mother is no great role model. She parties a lot, has men in and out and the kids all run wild. I have even thought I could help (save her) in the beginning. I'm not perfect and I do think you are right, if this continues I am in for a life of hell. So how do I get him to see this? How do I stop an ex from controlling?
HE has to stop his ex, he has
HE has to stop his ex, he has to set boundaries and establish rules, and he has to be on the same page with you.
While it is admirable that he wants to stay in the kids' lives, he is making a huge mistake in the way he is allowing that little girl to treat him and you. She is going to turn into a nasty teen and an even worse adult, if he does not do something now.
Until he makes major changes, you are in for a sad life. None of this is fair to you.
I have some suggestions for
I have some suggestions for you.
Dealing with the ex:
He should send her a very to the point email stating how future contact will proceed.
Dear Ex,
Due to how frequent and disruptive all your texts and phone calls are I have decided that I want you to contact me by email only.
1) All non emergency contact that is child related will be done via email.
2) Emergency scheduling changes or issues can be done via text when there is no computer around.
3) Phone calls are for emergencies only with the kids, i.e. needs immediate medical attention like going to the hospital.
Now of course she's not going to be happy and will try her hardest to gain her control back over him. But the way that I look at it, it's like training a small child. When she texts and it's not about rule number 2, don't respond. Let all calls go to voicemail. Listen to the message and if it's not a child emergency don't call her back. If she is constantly calling and texting after the email is sent save all the texts and phone messages and then file a harrassment report against her. She will learn. They aren't married anymore nor do they share any bio kids. She can't even threaten court or child support. You guys toltally have the upper hand. She may say he'll never see the little girl again, but from her past behavior both of you should know that won't happen. She needs somebody to dump the kid off on.
Dealing with the kid:
You and your SO should sit down and write out a list of basic house rules plus some others that are customized for her behavioral issues. Below each rule you should list the consequence(s) for breaking said rule.
Here's an example of what I am talking about. SO's BD(6) had some recent issues with stealing. Even after she was forced to give an item back she turned around and stoled it again the same day and then took another girls lip gloss. So here is our custom rule for stealing for her.
You will return the item that you stoled to the person that you took it from. You will also purchase another one of whatever it is that you took and give that to the person as well. If you don't have the money then chores will be done to work off the money that you owe. You will go to bed early everynight without a treat and have no movies in bed for the weekend.
Since we implemented this rule she hasn't taken anything that wasn't hers.
When it comes to you shelling out a bunch of money to do fun things with her and she turns around lies about it the ex, I just wouldn't do it for her anymore. You see, she expects this from you. She knows that she can treat you like crap and you'll bend over and take it and then treat her to a fun time. So just stop. Just do special things for yourself and your SO. Stop while you out and get him and you a special treat. When she want's to know why she didn't get one just tell her you don't appreciate the way that she treats you i.e. lying to her mother about you and until she can treat you with respect you refuse to do anything special with her. She may or may not care but I think that it would bother you less and she'll at least have something actual to complain to her mother about. Regardless of that, who cares. So she didn't get a special treat. You're not beating her.
The way that I see it is that there are certain things that are expected when caring for a child. A roof over their heads, clothes, food, water, medical insurance and a clean enviornment. All those little extras i.e. swimming, going to parks, candy, the list can go on, are just that extras. They are things that are earned not something that's expected. Look at it this way when you want a raise at your job do you walk into your bosses office and demand it? Or do you work for it?
Sorry this is so long. I have experienced the same situations with both my FSD(6) and my SO's crazy ex and have learned that the only time that people have control over you is when you give them control.
Oh yeah, and and I think that
Oh yeah, and and I think that it's absolutely crazy that when your SO tried to talk to her about all these issues that she was able to tell him she doesn't want to talk about it and that was it for the convo. She's 10. She is not an adult. She should have no choice about whether she feels like talking about something or not. Especailly issues like that. If she doesn't want to talk about it then don't do it in the first place.