He refused counseling

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I really don't know where to start. I'm just numb. Last night my husband and I had a big blow up, all stemming from my request for us to go into marriage counseling. I have so much resentment and anger over how he's handled his SD as I've been excluded from "the family" by her and the SSs, since she controls them too. When he asked me if I meant I was leaving, I told him that is had thought about doing that. He told me to go. I was shocked and hurt. He doesn't see that counseling will help with my issue with his dd. He won't go. I'm in counseling myself and have been for the duration of our marriage but I can only do so much without his help. Any input?

My input is this: he refused

My input is this: he refused counseling. You know where you sand with him. If there's anything I've learned in 50 years on this earth, it's that we can control one person's actions: ourselves. Other people's actions show me where I stand with them. Or how important I am to them, to put it another way. God bless.

He made it very clear,

He made it very clear, you Are not important enough to go to counselling. he obviously has no intention of changing. Can you live with that? If not, pack your bags and don't look back.

Sure I have some input. Next

Sure I have some input. Next time he goes to work, change the locks, lock up all of the accounts, and file for divorce. Why should you go when it is his refusal to deal with his unhealthy relationship with his children that is the issue?

IMHO of course.

If someone tells you who they

If someone tells you who they are, believe them.

((((Hugs)))) so sorry, I know that hurts .

Yes I wish hadn't said that.

Yes I wish hadn't said that. He askedme when I told him that I felt like counseling was a last ditch effort. Your advice is solid. I just don't know if I have it in me right now to ask again. I reiterated many times last night that divorce is the LAST thing I want to do and that I love him dearly...all true. Loving him should not come at the price of betraying myself, something I've sadly done for way too long.

I was in your shoes several

I was in your shoes several years ago, and finally, I strongly insisted that DH and I go away for a marriage counseling retreat weekend. To me, it was great. One thing I definitely learned about DH (and my ex, my sons, and I'm going to assume all or most men) is THEY HATE TALKING ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS!!! Men always want to fix things WITH THEIR HANDS; but give them a problem where they have to TALK (like this bullshit the second wives go through because of their lack of parenting and lack of balls) it's a different matter - they close up.

During our counseling, we were given questions then had to write down our truthful answers then we would give our answers to our spouses. After reading each others answers, we learned how to see things through their eyes, not just our own.

This counseling helped ME tremendously dealing with the shit I go through. It's not easy that's for sure!

Good luck!

Wow Yhatzee, your pre-marital

Wow Yhatzee, your pre-marital relationship sounds like mine (we are not married yet). And my SO's dd also could care less (from day 1) about having a relationship w/me.... at that point I was DONE trying anything other than being civil, & I at this point could care less about having a relationship w/her either. I prefer it this way. And I have asked my SO for counseling also.

OP: He said no to counseling; the ball is in your court now - start making plans for your future. You may not be able to control what other people do but you can control your reaction to it.

A few weeks without you

A few weeks without you around may change his mind. It's better than a divorce and will show him you're serious. If things haven't changed for the better then you can go. If there is some improvement and they start going bad again give it another few weeks off. Repeat as necessary making marriage counseling the key to you're staying at home.

I'm just wondering why YOU

I'm just wondering why YOU have to leave. Does he own the house, or are you renting? If you are renting or own half of the house ask for a temporary separation and ask HIM to leave so you can both get your thoughts together. You will need a home for your child. If he owns the house find a place to live temporarily until he comes to his senses or you find it is best to divorce. I agree with the other posters who say to stand up for yourself. Tell him you love him with all of your heart but the marriage must be his top priority. Threatening to leave or telling someone to leave, even if it ii a bluff is unacceptable. My DH used it for years to manipulate. When I started to call his bluff he stopped doing it. And by the way, I told him if he wanted to leave so bad, leave.

We don't have children

We don't have children together. The house was his before we were married but it's now in both of our names. I guess there are two reasons I would be the one to leave: he has no support system so he'd have nowhere to go. Secondly, his first wife is the one who stayed and he left (she was having an affair). I don't want to do that to him again. A third reason would be, I'm the one who is unhappy...he says he's happy (wth?) so I feel like the one who is unhappy, should be the one to leave. I didn't use the leaving as a threat but only said I'd thought about it. Again, I was probably too honest and shouldn't have said it but it was the truth and I'm sick of hiding my thoughts and feelings.

I strongly suggest reading

I strongly suggest reading this book though.... http://www.amazon.com/Improve-Marriage-Without-Talking-About/dp/07679231... because it helps explain why men act so heartless and cold sometimes (or what we perceive to be cold). It's actually due to a physical reaction they call a cortisol dump.

It really helped me understand problems in a past relationship as well as my DH's reaction regarding his family.

For any SMs, I think this helps explain why men can just shut down and ignore what's happening in the step family. It has to do with their shame, not necessarily because they don't care. This book gave me a lot more understanding toward my DH and him for me.

My husband does couples counseling sometimes and he reported it's the best book he's ever read for couples and wishes he would have had this years ago. Most counseling comes at problems from a female perspective, leaving men feeling inadequate.

You may want to read a couple chapters of this book before you make any major decisions. If it doesn't apply to you or isn't enough, then I agree separating while you work things out might help him to take things seriously.

Every single poster has given

Every single poster has given you excellent advice. I don't agree with any of your reasons for being the one to leave save that he lived there before and therefore emotionally I guess it is most dignified to be the one to go, so long as your property interest is not affected. Also, if you go and he turns out to be ready to accept that and not come begging for you to come back, then at least you get to start completely afresh with no memories and associations. I'm so sorry about this (((((((((((())))))))))))))))

My husband also refused

My husband also refused counseling. Promised to "do better." Then fell back into old, hurtful habits. The last time I said it was counseling or I was gone. He knew I meant it. I would NOT be treated the way he was treating me.

He was at his doctor's office the next morning, in person, to get a recommendation for a counselor. I had asked him several times before to get help, but he refused. I went to a counselor alone, and am glad I did that as I found some strength. He did not want to look in his own mirror and explore the nature of his assholery. HE was fine. I was the one who was not. When I got to the point where I would not allow him to hurt me any longer, that meant either I left to protect myself, or he figured out how to stop hurting me.

He's figuring it out, and I hope we have many happy years together. But what an emotional mess at the time.

You definitely nailed it with

You definitely nailed it with saying he didn't want to look at his stuff and it was all you. Same situation here. Thank god I made it through the weekend without leaving. Things are "fine" right now. :? I see my counsellor today which was what I was biding time to get to this weekend!