Finding it harder to deal with Boyfriend's son
Hi all! Needing some insight from other's who may have been in this situation. I have been dating a man who is very respectful, kind, and makes me feel genuinely cared for. Before this relationship I had pretty much been a single mom for 8 years and find myself very independent and set in my ways perhaps. Going into this relationship I looked forward to the fact my bf had a son close in age to my daughter and it started off well enough but lately I'm finding it more and more intolerable. I like his son, and I try to be understanding that he has a lot on his plate considering the break down of his parents relationship and his mother essentially abandoning him. But his behaviors are extremely frustrating me to the point I don't look forward to being around him. He is 10 and acts like a 3 or 4 year old. I do question if there may be some developmental reasons. The only way he communicates is with baby talk. Like he won't even form a complete sentence. He constantly whines and fake cries to get what he wants. He is constantly asking for something, games,toys, whatever it may be, he gets it.. His dad waits on him hand and foot and caves completely to the baby nonsense. He gets away with absolutely everything. Staying up till 4 in the morning, calling in to school "because he's sad, or he's tired, or his brain feels fuzzy, he doesn't like it, he doesn't want to leave his dad ect ect", playing video games and laughing and screaming like a maniac as loud as he can, barging in on my boyfriend and I, wanting to sleep in the bed with his dad with me there and without,not allowing my boyfriend to have a phone conversation with me. This list goes on. The newest development is absolutely no bathroom etiquette. He literally pees all over the floor and has even pooped all over the bathroom. He's also becoming extremely rude to his dad calling him names such as fatty,baldy, weak, horrible, saying when he dies he's taking over everything, again the list goes on. I've tried talking to my bf but I don't know how to approach it without sounding like the hardass. My daughter sits there quietly observing this with a mortified look on her face because she has had structure, discipline, and taught proper behaviors. I've bit my tongue for awhile but when he freaked out on my daughter that crossed a line with me. She's a quiet kid by nature and you could tell it hurt her feelings because all this time she has tried to be his friend. I'm at a loss because I don't feel it's my place to discipline him, and I don't feel like I can tell my bf to discipline him. He constantly makes excuses for him or laughs it off. On the few occasions I have seen him try to discipline he immediately gets shot down by the kid.. I love this man, I'm happy with him, my daughter is happy to have him around, but I feel his parenting is completely out of wack and this kid runs the show. How do I address this with him? How do I tell him it's starting to make me reconsider our relationship? I would never make him choose me over his son, but I can't decide if this kid is a lost cause or if his dad actually built a routine and enforced rules he may have hope. Help!
How did your bf react when
How did your bf react when his kid defecated all over the bathroom?
I hope you didn't let him sleep with you... I also hope you told your bf in no uncertain terms that no child is allowed into your bedroom, that's your private space and there will be no sex until he enforces that or puts a lock on the door. You don't want his kid barging in on your in the middle of funtime.
Have you suggested he get his son evaluated because suddenly not being able to use the toilet properly is not normal.
Tell me, does this kid have any friends?
Personally, I'd move out. Keep dating him if you want but living in those conditions would be totally impossible for me. And your daughter must be truly miserable there. Imagine walking in to a bathroom in that state on a regular basis?
To be honest I do not know, I
To be honest I do not know, I was not there with him at the time. I was on the phone with him and he said he had to go check the bathroom. When he resumed the conversation he simply stated he has never seen anything like that and that he cleaned it up. With the mother, they divorced 2 years ago, and from my understanding she has not seen him in a year and a half.
Sorry just saw the rest of
Sorry just saw the rest of this comment. We do not live together. And no, I did not sleep in the bed with him. To me that's extremely uncomfortable.
He does not have any friends outside of school and I'm unaware of how he interacts with kids during school.
I want to address the possibility that his son may have developmental issues, but I guess I'm afraid of offending him?
I'm so glad you're neither
I'm so glad you're neither living there not letting this kid sleep with you!
I understand how hard it is to bring it up. Hasn't the school ever said anything because it might just be stuff he does at home because he gets away with it and because it gets him what he wants? OTOH, if he does have an issue, the sooner it's identified and the sooner he gets the appropriate help the better. Maybe start to question stuff? When he baby talks, ask him if that's not a problem for him at school. Maybe suggest some speech therapy? That would be a fairly mild starting point.
Thank you for the suggestion,
Thank you for the suggestion, I have been thinking of questions to ask to bring up the matter. I supposes in this situation I should worry less about being offensive and focus more on my concern for his well being.
another thing, you say the
another thing, you say the mother pretty much abandoned him ... how much does she see him? I ask, because there are things in what you wrote that are not consistent with the baby talk and incapacity to do anything for himself.
Staying up till 4 in the
This child is being allowed to behave in a way that will make him unemployable in the future. His 'fuzzy brain' won't let him go to school now. In the future it will be an excuse not to work. This does not bode well for the future.
Did this child ever get any counseling? If not, perhaps you could encourage BF to enroll him.
I completely agree with the
I completely agree with the concern of the future and his ability to be a functiong adult. This is also a concern I've had.
He is not in counseling and this is something I would also like to try to bring up.
i agree with the suggestions
i agree with the suggestions of counseling for his son.. .and it is also good that you have not made a move to live together because that often is something people rush and then really regret it because unwindiing to slow down a relationship at that point can be hard.
The best way to try to approach your BF is in a way that is looking to help him help his son... that what you want is in the son's best interest and you want him to become a likeable and well behaved human being because that will make his son's life infinitely easier in the future.
So, while you have sympathy for the crappy had the kid was dealt.. the lack of expectations and boundaries are probably doing him more harm than good and perhaps he needs professional help to get him over this hump. I can't imagine that he isn't getting the same feedback from his son's teachers.. Certainly, while not all kids develop in the same way.. this boy seems to be extra delayed and his behavior has crossed over into concerning territor vs just normal kid annoying.
One thing that can happen in these situations is your BF may start to try to parent your daughter.. and be hard on her in ways he isn't with his son... it's kind of like he could be punishing her for having fewer problems because it makes him uncomfortable to see the diffferences.
Thank you for your input. As
Thank you for your input. As of now my bf has been very respectful and kind to my daughter, but as you said who knows further down the line. For now my concerns with their relationship lies within her feeling she's being treated unfairly because the son gets whatever he wants and having no rules or discipline. I'm afraid my daughter is going to start seeing this as unfair, which I would totally expect.
This is a major BF problem
The kid is crazy and yoir BF is not far behind. Take a good look at your BF. Do you think any normal adult will act this way. Letting a 10 yo make up his bed time. Used the bathroom floor as a toilet.?
Thing are not going to get better. Your BF is so dysfunctional, getting better will never be any shap near normal
Wow, your BF is a really bad
Wow, your BF is a really bad parent. I'd have a hard time maintaining respect for someone who parented so poorly. I agree the kid needs therapy, and from someone who will work with your BF on his parenting skills as well. This problem will only get worse - imagine a 6' tall 200 lb. 15-year-old acting this way.
Thank you for your input. Can
Thank you for your input. Can't say I disagree on the poor parenting part when I've given my all to raise my daughter correctly. Guess I am trying to give the benefit of the doubt to him that it's not all poor parenting, but developmental issues as well.
Maybe somewhat. But that's
Maybe somewhat. But that's hard to tell when parents have allowed such bad behavior. A good therapist can help sort that out. Even if the kid does have developmental issues, your BF's poor parenting is most definitely part of the problem.
I agree with you. I don't
I agree with you. I don't have a problem admitting his parenting is very poor, but bringing that to his attention is a conversation I don't look forward to. Then again I'm not going to force this upon my daughter to deal with nor onto myself. Especially when I feel this kid isn't going to be capable to be on his own. Decisions are to be made. Thanks for the feedback!
#1 - DO NOT EVER MOVE IN with
#1 - DO NOT EVER MOVE IN with this guy.
#2 - I would very matter of factly start pointing out the "not normal" 10 year old behavior issues to the father. Recomend he sees a therapist.
#3 - Kids will get away with you let them get away with. His dad is causing much more harm than any developmental issues he may have.
#4 - Go back to #1.
Yea. Can definitely rule out
Yea. Can definitely rule out wanting to move myself or my daughter directly into that situation. Completely agree as well about kids getting away with what is allowed. Thinking it's time for a sit-down, lay it all out there, explain my feelings on the matter and that I can't see this moving forward without 1 a major change in parenting and 2 addressing his son's potential delays.
I applaud your clarity on
I applaud your clarity on what is best for you and your DD within the framework of this relationship. I have long scratched me head over parents of developmentally delayed, etc... .children not taking assertive positive steps for mainstreaming these kids and even more mind boggling are the parents of these kids who sacrifice the rest of the children in the mix for the special needs kid.
Parents owe all of their children and not just the challenged ones.
Thank you! Obviously my
Thank you! Obviously my number 1 priority is my daughter. Should this continue, I can't justify exposing her to that for the next 10 years. We have rules and routines we follow, of course I'm willing to compromise on some things, but if it's going to affect her mental well being I won't allow it.
This won't be the most
This won't be the most pleasant conversation you've ever had with your BF. But strong couples do have difficult conversations. Engage with love and respect, and your BF should too. If he can't or won't, then I'd question his emotional maturity or willingness to do the hard parts of parenting.
You're not asking your BF to parent the same way that you do. You're just expressing concern for the boy based on your observation of him and other children his age. He needs professional evalution, and depending on the results of that evaluation, your BF needs help with his parenting skills.
A hard conversation, yes, but it's the kindest thing to do.
Thank you for your feedback.
Thank you for your feedback. I went into this knowing accepting someone else's kid and their way of parenting would differ from mine, but goodness I never expected something so extreme. I do care about the kid and want to see him get the help he deserves.
The main point is
That step relationship are hard and a lot of work. Many hurt feelings on all parts. But there has to be some sort of normal actions and behaves. Your BF letting his DS control the home and being not accountable for his actions is a major problem.
This kid must be evaluated, Your BF not seeing that is major. He wants his DS to be happy, so a little poop is not a big thing? First your BF must see reality, then he must parent his kid to have a bed time, a getting up time, getting dress time. Going to school time.
This comes naturally in a normal family. But not in your BF. BF is the problem!!
Does your BF work? What time does he leaves for work, who take care of DS? Who tskes care of him after school?
Is your BF really looking for a free babysitter?
I agree with you. Bf does
I agree with you. Bf does work 3rd shift. 930p to 730 a. The days he works during the week he has a sitter lined up. His ex step son was living there and was watching his son but he has recently moved out. I have watched him a few times on the weekends when he works. His behavior isn't much different when it's just me but I have been able to get him to go to be by at least 1130. Still too late but so much better the 4 am.
Jeeeeeesssssus. Have you
Jeeeeeesssssus. Have you spoken to your BF and actually asked him if he thinks this is normal or whether it is okay to let him actually get the son get away with his behaviour.
I would keep you and your daughter as far away from these two people as possible. Until your BF sorts his and his son's $hot out, stay waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay clear.
Finding it harder to deal
Finding it harder to deal with Boyfriend's son
Frankly, I would find it hard to deal with the BF, as well. There's a lot you can learn about a person by the way they parent. Or don't.
It is mind boggling.
The number of people who find "the one" who treats them well, etc, etc, etc.... except for the ill behaved toxic failed family spawn that make everyone and everything miserable when they are present is amazing to me. There is always some bullshit excuse for how the supposedly "amazing" new mate is such a POS parent and adult failure. Though there is never a legitimate reason. This is a very key difference lesson. An excuse is not a legitimate reason. PERIOD!
"But my kid is a COD!" So F'n what? Put your foot up their ass and give them the message that being a COD is no excuse for behavioral bullshit or GTF out of my life and take your nasty spawn with you.
"But my kid is special needs!" So what? Special needs does not aleviate you of the responsibility to raise your child with clear standards for behavior and standards of performance comensurate with their capabilities. Make it happen... or GTF out and take you kid with you.
"But my kid's BM/BioDad is a crappy parent!" So what? Does that mean you are helping the situation by being a crappy parent yourself? Fix it or GTF out and take the evidence of your parental failure with you.
"But I don't want my kid in the middle or to badmouth my kid's mother/father!" And how has that been working out for you and the kid? Your X is manipulative and your kid is their conduit to manipulate you. Keeping in touch with the facts in order to keep clarity for yourself on where the source of problem is and making sure your kid is aware of the facts is not badmouthing the X. Facts are neither good nor bad. They are merely facts. Make sure you maintain clarity on this and manage your actions accordingly.... or... GTF out and take your manipulated spawn with you.
IMHO a failed adult who screws up parenting this bad and brings this kind of nasty spawn to a relationship needs their walking papers on the spot the first time the nasty kid pulls their crap.
Buh-bye and good riddance. And thank you for broadcasting your failures as an adult and a parent so clearly that I have zero regrets for booting your X, you, and your failed family precreative refuse from my life and the the lives of my kids.
IMHO of course.
Thanks everyone
Thank you all for your feedback. I've been going over this by myself for sometime and after hearing from all of you it has reinforced my feelings and concerns. I will be attempting this conversation with my bf to express my concerns for not only him and his son, but my daughter and myself as well. I'll be making it known that this isn't behavior I can tolerate long term. From both his son and his parenting abilities as well.
I hope it will at least open his eyes that his son needs more help than what he's providing or capable of providing. And hopefully will seek counseling along with taking a good look at himself. Though I'm afraid you can't teach an old dog new tricks and after 10 years of obvious lack of parenting abilities I don't hold much hope for resolution.
I am willing to end the relationship because I refuse to put my daughter thru this and jeopardize her well being. I am fearful of how this kid is going to turn out in the next few years and I refuse for any of this to be directed towards my child.
Thank you all again!