Two Kids full time, one on weekends - disciplining
This is my first post here so bear with me.
Background on the family situation: My children are 13 (boy) and 9 (girl) and live with us full time, my fiance has a son who is 9 and lives with us on the weekends. We have been living like this for about a year and a half now.
I have always been the discipliner with my children and my fiance doesn't discipline his son at all. He sees it as he's only here two days a week, why should I be the mean dad. My argument everytime is that it's not fair for the other two children when one always gets away with murder. I treat them all the same, they are all equally disciplined. Now my fiance is starting to help with the discipline of my two children and my oldest isn't responding well. His remarks last night were you're not my dad, you never will be, so stop trying. My fiance has never tried to be his dad, more of a friend and a parent. I think personally the issue is stemming from my fiance never disciplining his son but disciplines my two. They may feel treated unfairly and this is why my son is reacting this way?
Does anyone have thoughts on this or been through the same issue? I've tried to talk to my fiance about it but he stands his ground on his son only being there 2 days so he will not discipline him because then he will never want to come over.
My opinion, and it may not be
My opinion, and it may not be popular...but if he doesn't discipline his kid he has ZERO business trying with your kids. Why are YOU allowing that? Personally, I wouldn't live with someone that wouldn't parent their kid. So if the child steals $100 no big deal?
My opinion is that your SO
My opinion is that your SO should not take the lead when there is an issue with the kids. He needs to be your back up but not start with discipline. Also, as steppedout said- if he won't do any real parenting with his own kid, why would you want him trying it out on yours?
One thing about my DH, he
One thing about my DH, he parented his daughter exactly the same as when he was married to BM. Just because he only had SD EOWE, did not mean was her buddy, instead of her dad.
It's not about being a "mean dad", it's about teaching the kid respect and how to behave.
There is no way your BF should discipline your kids, when he won't discipline his own.
Your BF will be kissing his son's ass forever. And your kids will resent both, him and his son (and maybe you). It doesn't make for a happy family dynamic.
My SSs are here only EOWE. My
My SSs are here only EOWE. My partner does not allow any nonsense like that with his kids. We have a good time - sure. We do. But there is homework and disrespectful, inappropriate behaviour is not allowed. For example, he was really harsh on OSS this past week when he broke one of my rules (no shooting nerf guns in the house) and he walked in a room and found SS shooting my son. (I don't care about BS being shot with a nerf gun as when they are outside they can shoot each other as much as they like) I do care about them being shot in the house and I very much care about 'casual' pointing of guns at people when they are not supposed to be. My partner knows this a massive thing with me* and so he enforced it hard. Rules are the same for everyone. We agreed this before we met each other's kids.
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*Call it a relic of my upbringing in the South around guns - but I take very seriously the rule: "never point a gun at anything you don't want to shoot." If you're not allowed to shoot in the house then you shouldn't be pointing a gun. Followed by "Always assume a gun is loaded." Even if they say "But it's not loaded." Always assume a gun is loaded. I don't care if it's toy guns or real guns, as I feel that you can get into bad habits with toy guns than can have deadly consequences with real guns. I'm a stickler. The kids say "But we live in England and we don't have access to real guns." I don't care.
Thanks everyone, I think I'm
Thanks everyone, I think I'm going to enforce household rules and consequences that all must abide by. Hopefully, this clears up any issues we are having.
Set and enforce the standards
Set and enforce the standards of reasonable behavior in your home in an age appropriate manner.
Be consistent. If DH does not like how you parent and discipline any kids in your home he can step up and get it done before you have to or have your back until the two of you can disciss it in private.
This has worked well for us.
DH needs to grow up!
DH needs to grow up! Disciplining his child doesn’t mean he’s a mean dad. If he doesn’t discipline his own he doesn’t get to discipline yours.