Don't want to leave my husband, but don't want kids
Growing up I was very much a tom boy. I never played with baby dolls or barbies etc. I always knew that I didn't want to have kids. Then, I met the man of my dreams and he had two (he has custody). After a lot of thought I convinced myself that I could do it. We have been married now for 3 years, and even though I still love my husband very much, I am just not a kid person 
I tried and tried, but I just can't relate. I have a hard time finding things to talk about with them, and I hate playing pretend.
Unfortunately, I am a stay at home mom, so the majority of the child care falls on me and I just hate it. I can handle my SD fine, but my SS is a royal pain in the rear! Maybe it feels different since I am a step parent and have no kids of my own, but I feel more like a baby sitter and a maid than I do a mom.
I find myself wondering if I would be happier alone. I don't want to leave my husband, but I don't want kids either.
Any suggestions?
Go back to work. If you don't
Go back to work. If you don't like kids, why be a stay at home mom?
Get a job so you don't have
Get a job so you don't have to be around them 24/7? Not saying this will definitely solve your problems but if you're going to leave you probably need to find a job anyway, so might as well see if it improves things.
Either leave of disengage and
Either leave of disengage and tell him you want nothing to do with raising his kids.
Why would you marry a man
Why would you marry a man with children and then decide to be s STAY AT HOME MOM if you knew you did not like/want children??
When we got married I did
When we got married I did have a job. He makes about 3x more than I did. We started looking into daycare etc. and found that the cost of daycare was almost my entire paycheck. It just didn't seem worth while for me to work 40 hours a week just to hand off my whole paycheck to a daycare.
It seemed like a good idea at the time
Like I said earlier...I really did try to be a kid person. I gave it all I had, and it just didn't work.
This doesn't make sense. Why
This doesn't make sense. Why does your income matter? They are not your children.
If husband's income was 3xs your income, he could afford day care. Tell him to find day care because he want to go bacfk to work.
I was just thinking the same
I was just thinking the same thing. What does the OP's paycheck have to do with daycare?
It's your DH's responsibility to pay for daycare, not yours.
If you're not happy being a SAHM, it's time to tell your DH. Or you'll start resenting the kids.
We have a combined bank
We have a combined bank account. So saying that I would just hand over my paycheck for daycare is just one way of looking at the cost and trying to put it in perspective.
Over the years of being a stay at home mom I have tried to become more involved with volunteer groups and even joined a bowling league to try and find more me time.
When all of the decisions were made that put me here I was so totally head over heals in love that I would have done absolutely anything for my husband, and at the time I did think I would be able to handle it. I have just learned that I am not the person I thought I could be, but I feel like I am in too deep to just back out now. My husband gets paid very well, but we have very little extra money. We truly couldn't afford daycare now. Even if I did go back, and we put the kids in daycare, we would have no extra income and would be still be in just as tight of a situation. Perhaps if ex would stop taking us to court for stupid things we could use the money that we have been spending on attorneys to pay for daycare...Now that would be perfect!
Okay so daycare would take
Okay so daycare would take all of your paycheck, but given that your husband earns 3 times more than you could, it would only take a third of his paycheck. If you have joint funds it stills leave you with money left over. Instead of thinking of it as just handing off money to day care, perhaps you may want to think of it as handing off money to safe your sanity and your marriage. You say you love your husband, then work it out. Get out of the house, even working part time would be good. Most importantly, talk to your husband, two heads are better than one, he may have family that would look after the kids while you both worked. Whatever you choose is up to you, but I will say this. You are who you are, and if you stop swimming against the current, and just accept you are not a kid person things will be a lot easier. Forcing yourself to try and like the kids is a bit like forcing yourself to eat brussell sprouts when you can't stand them, it will make you sick. You are not the kid type, so what, that is not a criminal offence, it is not even a moral offence, it is just who you are. Your husband married you for who you are, you tried the SAHM thing, it's not working for you. There are a lot of options between staying at home and going insane, and leaving your husband, work with your husband to find one that works for all of you. By the way, the kids will feel your resentment here, and that's not fair on them either. Best for everyone's sake you either leave or get a job. But you and your husband need to work that out. By the way, as a mother of 3, grandmother of 4, can you tell me what the difference is between a maid, a babysitter and a mom, because it has been my life's experience that being a mom is being a babysitter, a maid, a nurse, a therapist, a taxi driver, and a whole heap of other unappreciated things. The rewards come later in life when the kid becomes the parent and has to do all the child rearing, the mom becomes the grandmother and gets to spoil the baby and hand it back when it cries. Perhaps your expectations of mothering need a re think. It is the hardest job anyone could ever do, being a mother is not an easy job it is 24/7 52 weeks a year with no sick pay and no holidays and yes, you do feel like the live in maid, that's just how it is. But for those of us with bio children, just looking at them sleep makes it all worth while. You unfortunately don't have that pleasure, but you can still do a great job. My youngest would rather have stuck forks in her eyes than become a mother, now she and her husband have a little boy, which she had for her husband's sake, they agreed he would take on most of the child care, she would babysit while he was at work, baby was born, suddenly mom who would rather stick forks in her eyes than leave him to go to work, she is besotted with him and only works 2 days a week part time, because she can't bear to be apart from her baby. If you stop expecting so much of yourself, if you accept yourself as you are, things may get a little easier.
You're so right about the joy
You're so right about the joy of watching them sleep EBU! Now, I wonder why that might be...?
Its nice to hear that I am
Its nice to hear that I am not the only one!
Maybe its a good thing that my SS is 2 years older...shorter countdown.
My skids are 8 and 10 now and I am already counting down the days until they graduate high school and move out for college. I don't think that I will have any chance of the relationship I want with my husband as long as they still live with us...assuming of course that we make it until then.
I don't mind my SD. Again, I am not much of a kid person, but as far as kids go she is a pretty good one
I try to convince myself that when they get older and are more independent that things will get better too. Sometimes I literally have to pry my SS off of my husbands lap. I hate feeling like I have to compete for his attention.
I look forward to their bedtime because it is the only time I get to spend with my husband...too bad he keeps wanting to make their bedtimes later and later. Before I know it I will be so exhausted at the end of the day that my bedtime is the same time as theirs and I won't get to spend time with my hubby at all.
Keep in touch and let me know how things go for you
Why, if they are 8 and 10 do
Why, if they are 8 and 10 do they need you for full time daycare? I'm really confused by this. I realize that they are on summer vacation now, but that's only for a couple of months. You're saying you can't work the rest of the year?
Tell him that the point of
Tell him that the point of the kids visiting is to be with Dad.
Unless Dad is at home or has the kids with him somewhere the kids are not to be in the house. Tell him your babysitting days are over effective the end of June.
Unfortunately they aren't
Unfortunately they aren't visits...my husband has custody.
BEST ADVICE IVE READ YET!!!
BEST ADVICE IVE READ YET!!!
I don't get how this could
I don't get how this could happen.I understand that child care costs, etc.But being a sahm for the stepkids and not even have your own ones or liking kids in general sounds like a very wrong choice for you.(and those kiddos).
Sit down with your hubby tonight and ask him to put the children in childcare since you want to find work.If he gets upset or reminds you on the arrangement, you can tell him that you gave it your best shot and really struggle to be happy with that.You don't even have to say that you dislike his kids or whatever, just tell him it doesn't work for you.
Make him aware the the whole step family situation is normal to be difficult and can't be worked like a core family, that is idealistic but hardly works for anyone.
Good luck, you will be much happier with a job and otherwise I recommend you to try to build a friendship with the kids rather than accepting to be put in the mothers role-you don't have to be their mum, being a friend or auntie is ok.This should take some pressure off your shoulders!!
Thank you! Just thinking of
Thank you! Just thinking of taking pressure off my shoulders makes me smile.
My husband and I have talked about this many times, and he does know how I feel. He is one of those people that think step parents are no different from bio parents and he thinks that I should have easily been able to love my skids the way a bio mom would from the day I met them.
He see his kids as being perfect no matter what and any issues/frustrations that I have with them are entirely my fault. He is offended that I don't see them the same way he does. Just this simple fundamental difference is what most of our fights about. The conversations never last more than a minute or two because as soon as I start to talk about the kids in a negative way he gets mad.
I feel ya... My DH seems
I feel ya... My DH seems baffled every time we get in an argument and is about skids or the ex situation. He's reaction is like: really? again with this?.... I told him is not something that's going to go away because we discussed it once. I told him this issue may NEVER go away for me, so he needs to be understanding and supportive. Guys also tend to be "problem solvers", so if they feel like they can't resolve the situation is useless to bring it up. We, on the other hand, just want to be heard and understood to some extent.
It's just difficult for us non-bios because everyone expect us to love the skids... WHY?! :?
I have said the same thing.
I have said the same thing. I have told him that this will all take time, and I have also reminded him that this is not all MY fault. My SS clearly wants nothing to do with a sMom, so if I did try to be all lovey dovey with him the way my DH wants me to be, I'd probably get slapped.
My husband comes from a very tight family. Going back generations he is one of the only people even in extended family to even get a divorce. Even after all these years some of his family members still don't accept me just because I am not the first wife or the bio mom. I on the other hand have had 3 different step fathers. I know all too well how different the situation is. I just wish there was an easy way to teach someone like my DH what it is really like.
Up above you said: ". Even if
Up above you said: ". Even if I did go back, and we put the kids in daycare, we would have no extra income and would be still be in just as tight of a situation."
But you wouldn't be in the same situation! Yes, you would still have the same amount of money BUT you wouldnt be stuck at home with the kids. Perhaps working would help you get your sanity back. Did you like working? Did you like interacting with your adult co-workers?v Did you like getting out of the house? Those are all valid needs too. I understand you have a joint bank account which is fine too but sometimes a job is more than just earning money.
Why don't you go to your DH and say "I would like to go back to work...I know we will still have the same amount ofmoney each month in our account because child care will have to be paid for, but I need to work to be happy." These are not your kids and you are not obligated to stay at home with them. Seriously. You have no obligation.
Your husband has unreasonable
Your husband has unreasonable and unrealistic expectations of you. You cannot see and love these children as he does. You may like them a lot, you may love them to some degree, but honestly, bio parents fall IN love with their kids the moment they are born. It is a safety mechanisim built in by God to stop us from killing them
You did not get to carry this child in your womb, you did not get to hold it at birth, to feed it, and you certainly did not get time to bond with it.
You are not the one your husband got pregnant, and he needs to remember that.
I'm guessing if you put it to him you don't want to be around the kids all day because they do this or that or you just plain can't stand them he is going to fire up, because after all, they are his kids, so they are perfect. Perhaps making it all about you may help. You want to go out to work, because you are missing adult company, you want to go back to work before you are out of the workforce so long it will be impossible to get back in, anything at all that makes it all about YOU and not the precious fruit of his loins.
You are not now and have never been a mother so what, who cares, that does not make you bad or wrong I admire you for admitting it, society thinks because we are women we are genetically programed to breed, and frown on women who are not maternal. Society has been wrong about many things and this is only one of them.
Your husband is putting pressure on you, don't put anymore on yourself. Do not think or feel bad about not wanting to love them as he does, he should be grateful you are a responsible adult taking good care of them and not locking them in a cupboard all day till he gets home.. He is a single parent in this relationship and best he start to see that and be more appreciative of the help you are providing him with HIS kids. Instead of seeing it as they are his kids so therefore your kids, and so you, as the mother have to take care of them while he works............NO you don't. As I said before, YOU are not the one he got pregnant. Go grab your life back, you need to be a happy person if you are going to be a good sm to these kids, stuck at home all day with them is far from making you happy, so get a job. Perhaps you could get a counsellor to talk this through with him and point out to dh he has unrealistic expectations of you and he needs to get off your back and work out some sort of compromise here with you. All the best.