I told him I'd leave..
My husband and I got into yet another fight about the same thing this weekend. My SS (10) has absolutely no respect for me. He won't listen to me, he wont do what he is told, he argues etc.
I think that part of that is just because I am step mom but part of that is what he sees from dad.
DH is constantly contradicting me and reversing any thing I tell my SS right in front him. Some things are bigger than others, but I think that over time it has taught my SS that he doesn't have to listen to me...that as soon as dad gets home everything will just go out the window so why bother.
It just keeps getting worse and worse, and has gotten to the point that my love for my husband isn't outweighing every miserable day I spend with my SS.
Last night I was so upset/depressed over this that I was tears. My husband was very sweet and laid with me in bed for hours until I fell asleep. This morning when I told him why I was so upset he was pissed! He was mad at me for using this to with hold sex??? I haven't figured that out yet...I was bawling last night, I can't imagine that he would even want sex?? Once again he is mad that I don't see his son as perfect.
I told that we need to work like a team, and if we can't do that its just not worth it anymore. I can't keep living the way I have been.
His response...he is mad that he has to be the referee between me and my SS. He wants us to work out our own problems! I said..welcome to step parents.
We have been having the same argument for almost 5 years now, but it just keeps keep bigger because we never solve the problem. My DH just gets mad and ends the conversation. I don't see why this time will be any different 
Has anyone else been through anything like this? Did you find a solution?
I totally agree! He thinks it
I totally agree!
He picked a counselor who turned out to be on maternity leave so we never made an appointment.
He thinks it all my fault though. He wants me to go to counseling. I agreed to that...as long as he went with me
He is VERY stuck in ways and is very stubborn in general.
He recently found out how easy it is to become a counselor, not a doctor, just someone who listens and gives advice. He figures that if just anyone having a midlife crisis can go and become a counselor that they must all suck and not be worth going to. I don't know if I would even be able to get him to go anymore.
In his world he is perfect and his son is perfect. I am the outside who needs to be assimilated in the family I guess. I really don't have much say in anything unless it agrees with what he says.
I just feel stuck
How easy it is to become a
How easy it is to become a counselor? I wonder where your husband got his information. In most states it requires a minimum of a Master's Degree and a license! What is your husband's level of education?
I am sorry; it seems he's making up excuses to avoid counseling. I know what it means to feel like the outsider....
All I can tell you is that I
All I can tell you is that I went through this very same thing. I wanted to parent together, he contradicted me, made fun of my rules with the skids, and even went so far as to sneak behind my back to let them do something WE agreed that they wouldn't.
I disengaged. I didn't tell him I did it. I just let my actions speak for themselves. You don't want to handle your kids? Fine, but dont' expect anything from me. I stopped doing ANYTHING for SD. Hell, I went a lot of visits not even acknowledging her presence because she wanted to be disrespectful. I stopped helping SO with driving skids around, I stopped going out with them for their entertainment times, I did my own thing and it felt good. Still feels good.
I do help with SS because he earns it. SD I still have very little to do with her.
If your DH doesn't respect you, then you need to teach him how to respect you. Let him handle his kid on his own for a while. Take yourself out of the target range of his contradictions and "refereeing" he feels he has to do. Dont' bother with your SS, when SS wants to act like a shit to you, well YOU handle SS. Don't snitch because all that does is make dad annoyed with you, not SS. Thats' the one lesson that took me the longest to learn. Everytime I complained about SD to SO, he interpreted that I was the problem,not her. Once he had to deal with her himself, he started seeing what a brat she could be.
I am right there too. I try
I am right there too. I try to ignore SS, but DH HATES it. He pushes for us to play games together etc. During the day while DH is at work I do ignore SS. But once he comes home I can't. It just causes more problems with DH. I still won't speak SS, but I have to participate in family outings etc.
You're right, it does feel good. It is great not to have the stress, but I still have the stress of my DH getting mad at me for not being social, not being happy, not thinking his son is perfect...
Does your husband get upset with you for doing this? If so how did you deal with that part?
Read this in its entirety:
Read this in its entirety: http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
Thank you so much for this
Thank you so much for this article! It was like someone was giving me advice who knew really knew me and really knew how I was feeling. It was spot on!
Yes I was in a very similar
Yes I was in a very similar situation, no respect, he did'nt want to listen to my thoughts about his then very badly behaved daughter, she spat on me, tripped me up and hit me in the face, one day I was telling him that she was so naughty, why did'nt he do something, then at that same moment, Bm phoned him to say that she could'nt control Sd anymore, then he had to accept that they were too soft, a month ago Sd was so naughty, what did Daddy do he bought her a Mcdonalds because she demanded one, when we got home, he said whats wrong now? I said Im leaving if its this bad now, what will it be like when shes a teenager, Im leaving, the day before I left, he came to me with tears in his eyes, he asked me not to go, we sat down and talked properly about Sd6, she is always good for me, but is a nightmare for her mother and father, my Bf would expect me to be Mummy when it suited him, if I told Sd off, he would come running to her defence, anyway thats stopped now, though things are not perfect, they are so much better, he needed a shock to see that he was being crazy, I just would not put up with it anymore, I know what a miserable life it can be, being in our situations, they make us feel like we are cruel or too fussy, all I want to do is bring up Sd6 to be a nice, respectful girl, now we are finally working as a team. Feel free to message me if you want to know more.