Demanding Bio-Mom!
I am just so sick of my SD's mom! She is the most demanding, mean person I have ever been around. I have been married to my husband for 7 years now and she has hated me since day one. I think a lot of it is jealously toward me. ( just guessing) Or the fact that when my husband married me he got a backbone and stood up against this woman and her bullying ways. Me and my husband both work for everything we have, he pays child support every month, but that's not good enough for her! She still demands extra money for things like clothes. We can't afford to give more then we already are. This woman has never had a job the whole time I've known her, she wants my husband to foot the bill for every expensive thing you can think of while she sits on her lazy fat ass.
She somehow is on disability but she is far from disabled and that's always the excuse for not working, she has a bad back and could really work if she wanted too, but doesn't want to. It really annoys me that this lady gets disability for just being lazy, but of course she would ask for even more money if she didn't get it. I have people in my family that are really disabled so I find this insulting that she is just working the system. I've seen people in wheel chairs that work so she is just using an excuse.
The last boyfriend she had dumped her because she was using him for his money. All she cares about is what she can get out of people. She gets made when she doesn't get her way. She is just a bully and I am sick of her. I never speak to her because she annoys me so much. The most selfish mother and person I have ever been around. I've tried to get along with her, but she still bad mouths me behind my back, so I just try to ignore her. I know the best move is to keep doing that. But I'm just about ready to give her a piece of my mind.
I'm sure she tells my SD not to listen to me. But I am one of her parents too. Her mom hates me, she is the only person I don't get along with in my life. I just want to be left alone. I feel sorry for my husband because he still has to deal with the crazy woman.
And of course my poor SD is caught in the middle. She is 14 now so at least we can talk to her and she knows that her father and I both care about her. Her mother has put her through so much drama in her young life. My husband and I try to keep it peaceful at our house because her mom is such a drama queen.
Anyway I just needed to get this all off my chest! Thank You!
^^^THIS^^^
^^^THIS^^^
You are not one of her
You are not one of her parents.
BM gave SDs 6&8 permission not to listen to me because I'm not their parent. I agreed with her 100% about the parent part. But DF and I made it clear to her and the girls that they will listen to me or deal with the punshiments that comes with not listening.
They follow the rules (for the most part), are respectful and listen to me the same way they respect their aunts, teachers...
I'm not a parent figure for them and I don't play mommy fill in when they are in our home.
Yeah, I don't get the OP's
Yeah, I don't get the OP's whole "I'm one of her parents, too!" belief.
No, you're not.
You're a stepparent, and your husband's partner.
Like it's said below, a godmother isn't the parent, a grandmother isn't the parent, and a stepparent isn't the parent.
I would never pretend to be one of my step's "parents." LOL. How dumb...I didn't lay up and give birth to her.
Brie, Well, yeah...giving
Brie,
Well, yeah...giving birth or sperm does in fact make one a parent. A biological parent. Doesn't mean they're a good parent or a present parent, but they are, in fact, a PARENT.
By definition.
Not opinion.
OP, perhaps if you stop
OP, perhaps if you stop referring to yourself as "one of SD's parents" things will go more smoothly for you.
First, BM won't be all pissy you're calling yourself that.
Second, define your role as an adult in the home, and subject to being treated with respect.
I get what you're saying, but
I get what you're saying, but I do believe there has been a overstepping thought process in the appropriate levels in this particular OP's step-parenthood. I was just reading some older threads from this OP.
One from a year ago OP was stressing "our daughter" , and went on about "and that's not happening with our kid" "our relationship with our daughter"...I think the OP has spent a good share of her step-parenthood believing to be an equal and having trouble accepting the fact she is not the girl's equal parental status in more ways than just the idea of being a adult parental-type figure. Yeah, for sure, a stepparent has to be respected and it's totally normal that if SM is tending to the child that she will indeed perform some 'motherly' type actions, but I think it's gone beyond being SM and dad's partner in parenting time and entered OP believing BM is the intruder in this child's life and Op and DH are the parents. As if BM is just some random lady who poops on OP's parenting styles/choices OP desires for 'her daughter'.
Anyone else having read several older threads from the OP every well likely caught this too. But that's really neither here nor now in regards to what OP is asking about in this thread. Yes, SD has to listen to her stepmom but because SM is basically in 'charge' of SD at times in Op's home. Not because OP is SD's mother aka parent. There should be house rules that both DH and OP have developed together that OP will assist in seeing SD follows. OP will likely play a role in teaching and caring for the child both with husband and as acting adult in the home in dad's absence. BM is wrong in telling SD that SD does not have to listen to OP. But none of that makes OP the real parent nor should lead to OP making statements and having feeling about SD being 'our daughter'. It puts the child in the middle and test SD's loyalties between the women.
As to the money. DH has a responsibility to pay CS. Whatever figure that the court set per the laws and guidelines of OP's start. DH would also be responsible for anything over CS that is stated in the court order. For example , say the CO states Dad and Mom spilt extra activities. Or perhaps Dad has to cover 60% of healthcare co-pays. That stuff if included in CO is over and above CS. But say BM calls and demands Dad take daughter out shopping and spend $500 in school clothes on top of CS. That is a 'gift' and not something Dad has to agree to. There may be some small extras Dad choices to occasionally pay for in addition to CS such as school yearbook or school spirit week sweatshirt. Those items would be optional and he can say 'not this time'. In fact he can say 'no' to any type of request in that nature. BM can demand anything she pleases, but if DH caves and forks it over, that is really on DH. He's a big boy now and can say no. If BM then tries punishing him for the refusal by trying to withhold visitation then that would be for Dad to file contempt charges.
On another site completely, I
On another site completely, I was chastised for referring to my SS as my "stepson" and NOT as my "son".
Just another way that step
Just another way that step parents are made into the villain. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
Gee twoveiwpoints you sure
Gee twoveiwpoints you sure have a lot to say! Wow you went back an read my other posts?! You really raked me over the coals.
I know I am not one of the bio parents but I am still a parent figure and care about this girl. Most of the time it is great here with her. She is a teenager and sometimes will cope an attitude. But I deserve to be spoken to in a respectful manner. I am an adult in her life and I am going to require more from this girl. Her and I get along well most of the time. But I get it that I am not her mother and she is loyal to her mother. I would feel the same way if I was in this situation. She didn't chose for her parents to break up and then have to deal with a step parent. But that's what is our life now. I care about her and wish the best for her.
The main problem is her mother. Which is why I have little contact with her anymore. I try to avoid talking to her if I can. But my SD has events that I go to with my husband that I will speak to her and be polite, because I am a nice person. I know she doesn't like me and the feeling is mutual. I try to rise above the drama and be an adult. I can't control the fact that she bad mouths me and my husband. She just seems to be a bitter person that thrives on drama. I hate drama, so hence little contact with her!
My husband provides child support, don't know what BM spends it on and that is really not my business anyway. Hopefully she is spending it on my SD. But he agrees to pay half for activities. They went through a mediator to work that out. I just get irratated that she acts like I'm controlling him. I'm not. She just blames me when he says no. If it is a good chunk of money of course he will discuss it with his wife, so tough. She is single, but I'm sure if she had a boyfriend or husband she'd be doing the same thing. I feel and my husband too that we should be practical with our money since we don't have a lot. I mean this woman wants to buy all the I-pod this that cost hundreds of dollars and she has no job. We but her our own presents. We are not footing the bills for the expensive things that aren't really needed!
I feel like since my husband broke up with her all those years ago ( how dare he!) that she is making him pay. How she shows love is spoiling her kids with materiel posessions. We want to spoil her a little when we can. But in our family we show love by doing nice things for each other and spending time with each other.
It's hard to be a step parent. Most of the time I let my husband handle his daughter because I'm not her mother. But I am an authority figure in the home. I was raised that you respect your elders and are polite. It just seems like kids in general are just a lot ruder these days. Well I don't have to take it in my home.
I am SS's stepMOM, one of his
I am SS's stepMOM, one of his PARENTS, one of his MOMS, a member of the FAMILY and I will be respected as such. PERIOD.
I changed his diapers
I potty trained him
I taught him how to talk and read
I kissed his booboo's when he fell
I taught him to ride a bike
I enroll him in school
I cook his meals
wash his clothes
help him with homework
let him cry on my shoulder
hug him when he is sad
hug him when he is happy
tell him I love him
encourage him in school and sports
call him down when he is rowdy
take him to his friends houses
have his friends over
meet with his teachers
cut his hair and his finger nails
take him to the dr and the dentist
I am silly with him and I am stern with him.
Provide for him and care for him.
I AM A PARENT.
If that is not how you function in your home, fine. But you can't fault the people that DO function that way.
*CLAPS*
*CLAPS*
QUOTE: >I'm sure she tells my
QUOTE: >I'm sure she tells my SD not to listen to me.<
Donkeykong told SS this once. To which SS replied "But Dad, how come is it that when I ask Drac0 a question he knows the answer right away but when I ask you the same question, you have to look it up on the internet?"
I have developed a way of engaging my SS and it sounds to me like you have developed a method of communication that works for you and your SD as well. I find teenagers start to "pigeon hole" the adult authority figures in their lives. Meaning that they quickly figure out for themselves who to listen and who to not listen to.
You're too involved in the
You're too involved in the details of BM's life. Distance yourself and stop thinking/caring/knowing what she is or isn't doing.
Her disability, her boyfriends, her work ethic .. NONE of your business.
If your DH is ordered to pay child support, he should. Anything above that he pays on of his own free will and generosity. If he stops saying "yes" to her additional demands, then you have nothing to be upset about. If he continues to say yes, then your frustration should be directed at HIM.