I want to hear those "other stories"!!! Wow, what a nut job (both of the women). I would freak the f*&^% out if BM was ever in my back yard. An annoying little yippy dog that poops everywhere would be greatly preferable.

It's so funny (in a sick way) that skids are so often aware that the BM and SM don't get along and they still don't get that we have to have clear boundaries. SS12 tried really hard to get me to come to a birthday party his mom was throwing him (I didn't know you could throw a party on food stamps, but there you go) and he really wanted me to come! He specifically asked me to come to his party IN his mom's house. I didn't tell him what I was thinking, that I would rather lick the grossest bar toilet than step foot in her house ever again (well almost-both situations are hideous to imagine) and even if it were life or death I don't know that I would ever be comfortable with her in my house. Yuck.

I'm sorry this happened to you. You handled it way better than I would have! I think she would have gotten the naughty cat treatment from me and I would have busted out my little spray bottle of water that I spray on my cats if they do something extremely bad (like climb on the dinner table and eat off my plate-they are my babies and I've only had to spray them twice for them to get the idea and other than their brief moments of naughtiness they are sweet and perfect and wonderful and way more adorable than my skids).

You should get yourself some Eau De Skunk and put it in a bottle and spray the BM (or her weird friend) if she appears in your backyard again. Claim to be feeding your backyard plants and "accidentally" generously spray her in the face with skunk water! (I'm kidding, but it's fun to imagine-I'm not even sure how you would procure skunk spray without an unnecessarily personal encounter with an actual skunk?)

Wow! What I think you need is to feel validated. Like you said, you know the answers, and you are clear on your feelings. Well, consier your feelings validated. It's hard when you have a home, and feel that the privacy and sanctity have been compromised by another person. This person happens to be you Skids BM. All you can do is your personal best. You have a right to feel angry, anxious, creeped out, etc. It's all part of the package, but you already know that! If you do any type or prayer or meditation, it may be a good time to increase the frequency of that to give you some serenity.
I hope things get better for you!
Jesse

Cali - Yes, honey you are justified in feeling angry and stressed that BM is in your backyard. Yes, it is a sucky feeling that she it looks like she is going to be there all summer.

So, what do you do?

I'm not talking about "sucking this up". I'm talking about changing your perspective.

BM is at the pool with her friend? YOU'RE THERE WITH HER EX-HUSBAND... having a DATE!! And while she may or may not have felt good that you left... how do you think she would feel to see you getting along so great with her ex-husband?

I feel very mean and somewhat petty saying this... but don't let BM make you a hostage in your home. Turn it around, and make BM not want to come to your home - your space - because it is YOUR SPACE with YOUR HUSBAND and a HAPPY HOME.

The best revenge is living well. Get to living girl... and don't give BM a second thought. Yeah, it will be hard... but since you are probably not planning on moving.... fake it til you make it. Be your sweet self. People can be friends with both you and BM. And eventually they will decide on their own thoughts of each of you. What do you want to show these people? Jealousy and fear? Or, that you can be civil and nice to BM while also having your own happy home.

How you proceed is up to you. But I personally think you need to address this within yourself, and then give yourself a pep talk to not let BM rule your life.

JUMP IN NAKED!

I have a similar issue! BM and my fiance have mutual friends and I have become friends with them as well (except for their wives/gf who are best friends with BM). If my fiance is busy at work or has something to do and SD3 isn't with us, I will sometimes have dinner or hang out with his friends who have become mine as well. BM sometimes finds ways to be there as well with her friends (who are gf's of my fiance's friends) and I know it's just to make me feel out of place or unwanted. All I can say is when you kill them with kindness they'll soon give up because they aren't getting a reaction out of you. As hard as it might be, just try to pretend she isn't there. She will give up when she notices that her being around isn't pissing you off or changing your plans. Good Luck!

Is there any chance that you or DH can have a calm rational discussion with the friend and make it clear how uncomfortable it makes you, and possibly get a little understanding?

I totally relate to your story. It's hard having to deal with a crazy BM. And I hate feeling like a hostage in my home too. I am also fortunate enough to live in the same town as my skids BM. And she randomly stops by without calling to see if I will watch the kids. Who does this and who thinks it's okay??? I can;t imagine going door to door and asking for someone else to take my kids. I couldn't imagine EVER doing that to my ex husbands new wife. It's a shame the way we have to live sometimes, it really makes my blood boil too. I've even thought about moving out of town to be away from my husband's ex. She's came over to the house and threw tantrums in our yard, stopped in the street to yell and carry on, she's just embarrassing and insane. There is nothing wrong with the way you are feeling. You and your husband have your own life now, and I think these crazy exes just have a hard time swallowing that. When we had custody of my skids for a while, my crazy BM would want to just come hang out and have dinner with us. Then would have the nerve to ask my husband in front of me why things didn't work out with them! Women like these need to just be put away, and stripped of parenting rights. Some people just don't have tact, or common sense. I put my foot down though, and we told her it was just too awkward for her to hang around. She even asked if she could stay the night! LOL...I almost fainted. Really? I mean really? I hate even having to deal with this woman. You sound like you are in a very similar boat, my best advice is to get your hubby involved and have him talk to her about invading your personal space. You could talk to her yourself, but if she is anything like the one I have to deal with, it won't mean much coming from you. So yeah, that's what I did. We almost had to get an EPO on her, because she would cause such a scene sometimes, for no reason. You are not by ANY means a failure, you just have a low tolerance for crazy, as do many of us on this site. The best of luck to you!

I have come to the conclusion that you can't be nice to these women. Diplomacy only makes them behave more inappropriately. It's like they just don't get that they impose or either they don't care. Probably a little of both, lol...The more nice I was to my husbands ex, the more she would want to just "hang". And I know she was only doing it to make me uncomfortable. I think they just want that kind of power, because they don't have any say so anymore over your husband/their former husband. So look at it as jealousy or envy. The less I let mine bother me, the more she backs off, so really it's just a power trip I think. They want to make us squirm, because apparently their lives are so lack luster they have to stir up ours.

If this situation were happening to me I would feel upset. Does not make much sense that the step kids mom would want to hang out with other children on days that she is child free.

She is sitting at the pool, under the guise that she is hanging out with a friend that lives there. She is well aware that what she is doing is making herself present to undermine your authority and family schedule. It becomes very difficult to run your own household when mom is a matter of feet away. Of course the children are going to go running off to be with her. And calling them back makes you the bad guy.

I would be tempted to make it uncomfortable for her and a convenience for myself. Have you considered walking down to her with the children, telling her since she is there for the day that you will be leaving them with her. Then just go off and do what you want. Lock the door. Her good friend can entertain them all and let them into her house. A few times of this will not only put a damper on their friendship but also leave mom feeling that she is getting used.