Am I overreacting?
Tonight was the town Christmas parade. I stayed home not soley by choice but more for comfort.
The deal was DH was going to take SS along with his friend and mass amount of kids that are staying here which is a whole other sore subject as pretty much the hole hitch they have been here making me feel uncomfortable and wanting to stay in our bedroom which is out of the norm for me and I have got no time with DH as he is to busy with other shit with his buddy or something.
Anyways back to why I'm posting - BM ended up calling DH to see if we were going to the parade and who all would be going and DH told her everyone including myself. Well she ask "do you mind if we come by y'all so I can see SS" DH stuttered and said "I guess" after they got off the phone (was on speaker as he was expecting for her to ask to talk to SS) I told him I would no longer be going as it would be uncomfortable especially knowing BM is the type of person who would try to get me arrested for communicating even if I didn't (she caused issues about it last time we were all around at a drop off - and has a police ordered no communication thing against me).
Well I showered and came to our bedroom before everyone got back. I went outside to try to approach DH to see if he had fun and he was just standoffish because I guess I walked out during him and his buddies conversation - well I quickly came back in.
He just came to the bedroom to see if everything was okay and I told him that him doing that early bothered me and told me I made the choice for myself and I told him I felt like I had no choice because of knowing how BM is and not wanting drama and he responded he didn't think it would be a big deal and pretty much walked out.
I am now in tears because I feel last even to his buddy at this point. Our house is tiny and we have 11 humans here (his buddy has 6 kids) so there isn't much alone time. Ontop of this he has been so busy and a complete pushover for everyone but me during this time but I guess frustration has to be directed somewhere and pushing me away is how he is doing it and I hate crying.
Am I justified in being upset about the BM thing or am I overreacting?
The BM thing is the least of
The BM thing is the least of the issues IMHO. And no, you are not over reacting. DH should have without a seconds delay told BM that she filed the noncom order against you and if she gets within hearing distance of his family he will have her arrested for harrassment.
As for the buddy and his 6 spawn which are the even bigger 50,000lb elephant in the marriage, I would notify DH that you have scheduled a locksmith to come re-key the locks and the buddy, his 6 spawn and their crap had better be out of the house before the locksmith shows up.
Really? His buddy and 6 kids? WTF :jawdrop:
Listen, I fully understand
Listen, I fully understand how difficult it is to deal with bad blood between parents when it comes to skids. I can see two sides of this. Obviously, you aren't going to feel comfortable or safe even if BM is anywhere near you because of the order she herself went after. I also see it was a public Christmas event, and if she's asking if it's okay, she understands that she made it difficult for you to be anywhere near her. She put the responsibility of this decision on your DH, and with her being on speaker phone, (I assume SS was listening to this conversation), makes things even more tricky. You were right to stay home after the way this was handled.
In the future, 1) Try to record all communications, so DH can prove that he makes it very clear that you'll be there, so if she wants to start up drama, you can prove she was the one instigating. 2) DH should not invite BM to these events, or give the "okay" on them. She has a right to be there, and she has a right to see her son. All he should say is "SM will be there" so the decision is left on her shoulders. If she wants to start up drama, the first thing she'd be asked is "Why would you go if you know she's going?" 3)Don't use the speaker phone with BM anymore. There are things SS should not hear, and this was definitely one of them. You don't need to be villainized because BM got an order against you, and he should not be made aware of it further.
What I would do, is talk to DH about this, and tell him it's great that SS sees him and BM getting along so he can have his whole family there. But, you are also part of his family, and with the noncom order, you simply don't feel safe around her. So, in the future, if there's an event you're going to, that she wants to also attend, make sure it's recorded, leave the decision up to her and SS isn't within earshot. That way if she does ever pull anything, you'll be off the hook and you don't have to hide away at every public event.
When DH talks to BM typically
When DH talks to BM typically she isn't on speaker phone. However she had called to talk to SS about 30min earlier and he wasn't around so DH put it automatically on speaker thinking she was going to ask to talk to SS.
Does that mean if BM gets
Does that mean if BM gets there first, SM has to go home? If so, couldn't that be construed as BM trying to meddle and prevent SM from participating in family events that are at public places? Ugh....restraining orders make things so flippin difficult...mostly for the kids. I can't stand how easily some people can get them.
I concur.
I concur.
You are right it is not a RO
You are right it is not a RO just a no communication and I would not have talked to her if I went but she has a habit of in the past trying to start stuff and accuse me of talking or mean looks when he posse is around. So, why put a huge elephant knowing out there is a possibility of her starting shit and knowing she is going to be there so that everyone is tense? Or at least myself and DH I don't want a even to feel uncomfortable like that so I would rather take one and sit out rather than let everyone feel tension.
Then this DH's fault. If she
Then this DH's fault. If she is like this with you, he's obviously aware, and you were 100% correct in trying to avoid the drama. You simply cannot be in the same place at the same time. If he cannot accept that you were doing the mature thing here, he's the one who needs to grow up.
Today he has seemed a lot
Today he has seemed a lot more understanding. I think he was probably just so irritated with having to deal with her as he despises her and all the kids here. Because as I previously stated he normally stands up for me and my position.
I still go to drop offs but it is more of a convenience as the main time we drop off that doesn't involve school is when he leaves but at that time I can be on my phone window rolled up for no confusion. I honestly hate that she is like this especially as DH leaves either Tue/Wed and next week is the Christmas play so he's gonna have to depend on BM for pics most likely as like I said I hate feeling tense.
I mean I hated missing it but I don't like feeling tense and am already to the point of my shoulder going numb because of other stresses.
He still caused this whole
He still caused this whole fight, unnecessarily, and put you in a no-win situation. It's good that you were able to make up. As for pick-ups, why aren't they curbside? My DH and BM have an agreement that the kids come out of the house, they don't even see us. SF came to pick them up one day, and accused me of glaring at him through the window. I was like "That's impossible, it was dark outside, it was the wrong day, so I'd have no idea he was even there, and furthermore, I was giving piano lessons at the time. I think I saw some blinker lights flashing on the other side of my car, and I squinted my eyes out the door from where I was teaching to see what was going on, but that's it." Oh...cheers to those who prefer to live in angst.
In any case, I'm glad you and DH made up
Oh don't think I just forgave
Oh don't think I just forgave without having my own words and him not having any repercussions.
As for drop-offs most switches revolve around the school day where one parent will drop him off at school and the other will pick SS up. When DH leaves to go to work which this time will either be tonight or tomorrow night we will drop SS off at BM's house as we have a little routine of going to dinner so we can spend a little more time with SS and it has pretty much just become a tradition throughout the years. The drop-offs are pretty much curbside if BM isn't outside DH will hug SS and send him to the door but many times she is outside smoking and rather than letting the kid carry his own backpack will walk to about a foot and half from the car and take it from him but still DH gives him a hug and gets in the car as quickly as possible. Plus SS is 5 and so we will wait to make sure he gets in the house and stuff but drop-offs have drastically changed since she started drama as SS would come give me a hug after getting out of the car I'd open my door and we'd hug now we hug before he gets in the car from the restaurant. But drop-offs are pretty quick.
I am glad we made up too especially with him getting the call he may have to go to work a day early. I hate being mad.
This is how I feel. The thing
This is how I feel.
The thing though is like I said normally DH really stands up for me and BM normally doesn't know what we do. This was just a all around inconvenient situation.
I agree. BM asked if she
I agree. BM asked if she could go, and DH chose her feelings over his wife's. That's not ok. His "loyalty" should always side with his wife - particularly in this situation. You also need to be honest about what you need with your DH. Why is coming last bothering you? Is it that you are lonely? Feel unloved? etc. Let him know that piece so that it doesn't get into a pissing matching over the fact that he needs to spend time with his child.
I do think that you had a choice in the matter. Yes a difficult one - one with consequences either way - but a choice none-the-less. These are the consequences of the choice you made, and if you chose the other option, you would have been dealing with the consequences of that choice.
I'd try to be proactive. You know the things that are coming up. How can you plan with your DH for them ahead of time, so that you aren't left with such difficult options at the last minute.
Here is the thing it was the
Here is the thing it was the town parade nothing kid specific...and honestly we didn't even realize it was this weekend or though about going until his buddy was going to take his kids and it would be unfair not to talk SS. I am also not sting I should have a right to go over BM. Heck if she would have just said she wanted to see SS after but not sit by them I probably would have gone.
What bothered me was the disregard that I would be there and giving SS the chance to feel like a happy family as when SS first came over he asked DH why him and BM weren't together and we know BM wants DH back so SS has been going through more distant patches towards me. Though I try to be understanding as she did-1 put him in a tricky position asking especially knowing most likely she would be on speaker phone. We put her one speaker phone because she will try to tell SS stuff or ask inappropriate/irrelevant questions about our house and stuff like that if she wants to know she can wait until she gets SS back. SS was across the room and heard her which I see put DH in a difficult position so I'm just more or less just irritated of how it all went down. DH has defended not being by us at the last event which I ended up not attending anyways due to me getting ill and he has brought up that she is the one who made it difficult by filing the order just because she got mad at me defending myself during a argument when prior to this like a week before she had tried to be buddy buddy and wanting to confide in me about her break up which I didn't let happen.
The order is a no communication order not restraining so I can be around her but knowing her and past events even if I keep my mouth shut and look forward she had caused issues with DH that I was giving her dirty looks and made a mean comment to her which DH knew wasn't true as I had left his side once to go pee and the restroom was the opposite way of BM. This is why especially with the order in place I didn't feel comfortable. I mean I am willing to sit in the actual vehicle if DH wants to stop so she can SS or whatever as I can have the window up and focus on my phone or and there can be no mistake of me keeping to myself but in a more open environment especially with BMs while posse there I can see her trying to cause issues.
As for his friend and kids they were here last week for thanksgiving during the week it was only his buddy and then they came back for the weekend and it drives me nuts. The house is a rental but EVERYTHING is in soley my name due to credit issues DH had when we moved. He had asked me if they could come and I said yes thinking it was for a few days - turned out to be waaaay longer. DH is a people pleaser and so he does a lot for everyone even his friend no matter the irritation though like I said it got focused towards me. I am hoping when DH leaves to go to work maybe his friend will leave too as I don't feel comfortable with just him here even though I have other fears as there was a recent break in in our neighborhood.
I will say I do feel lonely and it is a very emotional time anyways. DH leaves Wed and this is marking our first Christmas apart and though I am excited to see my family it is sad knowing I won't get to see DH for the holiday. Between him leaving and alone time has been severely limited though him and I did get to go out of town for a few days it was for both of our business. So, between that and feeling like though he was in a difficult position my feelings were disregarded I just feel down.
I will say lastnight DH was a little sweeter when he came to bed and did wake me up by loving on me and rubbing my back something which never happens and was very nice. He has been sweet this morning too I think he may realize that I wasn't so out of line but I'm just ready for a clean house, and silence with DH before he leaves as I am not ready for him to go.
Honestly I don't think he is
Honestly I don't think he is playing games. I think with we on speaker phone he froze and said okay. In the past even with her playing games he has always stood by me and defended my side. He had been much sweeter since he went to bed and even this morning.
Whoops...
Whoops...
This is even more reason why
This is even more reason why you two should have an action plan ready in case this happens again. And if she has her mind set on him, and she likes to rile up drama, it will happen again and again. He has to draw a boundary with her.
We have talked about things,
We have talked about things, and the fact he should only put it on speaker after she ask to talk to SS, and even she has anything to discus leaving it to the basics and that she doesn't need details of what exactly is going on. I think he got his dose of uncomfortable-ness without me their and sees that he doesn't like being in the position with his wife not by his side.
I think she more or less just
I think she more or less just wanted to baby SS and try to act like a happy family.
DH says he tried to still distance himself from her even with her in the proximity. As I've said above I feel like he just kind of froze especially with her on speaker phone. Normally he makes sure to sit as far away as possible even at the school open house he stood next to the wall while SS was showing his work rather than be close to her who was sitting a his desk. He normally really does try and seems to be more sympathetic today.