Am I being overly sensitive or was this just plain rude?
So I have been in my stepkids lives (ages 12&14) since they were 5 and 7. We just got married in March of 2023. Things have been rocky from time to time due to crazy baby momma, but there is a high level of respect between the kids and me.
The way my husband and I split up expenses is that I purchase all of the groceries for the 4 of us (they are with us about 1/3 of the time), which is around $600/month. We split the mortgage 50/50 and my husband pays the rest of the bills.
Every year I do all the Christmas shopping for the kids because I genuinely enjoy picking out thoughtful gifts and I love the wrapping. I spend about a month doing so from Black Friday to Christmas Eve.
I understand that feeding your step children and giving them Christmas gifts is a pretty bare minimum thing, and I know they are grateful, but every year it is an issue because I think as a dad, my husband should be modeling picking out gifts for other people (not just their stepmom, but also grandparents, etc, but he does not). We've gotten in fights before about me being really hurt that he didn't buy them something for me to unwrap. It's not about the gift, it could be a $5 item, it's just the fact of showing appreciation and gratitude.
Going into this year, I know my husband understood that it is important to me that they "give" me something (I actually expect that he buys it), so last night he had his daughter "wrap 2 gifts" for him that were obviously from me. All the dozens of other gifts got opened today, but these 2 sat ignored under the tree all day. I knew they were from me but I wasn't going to grab them and start opening them.
Finally, at 8 PM, with no mention of them, I asked if I was supposed to open them. My husband said yeah, you haven't opened them all day. Wtf? I thought if someone got a gift for you, they would hand it to you to open? That makes it clear that he just asked them to wrap it without actually saying "here, I got this for you to give to your stepmom."
They all left with no mention of the presents, just obsessed with the hundreds I, my parents and siblings spent on them!!! They're still sitting under the tree wrapped. I don't even want them!
I feel very hurt. Is it divorced dad guilt that makes them not expect their kids to show basic manners to their new partner?! They have an absolutely batshit crazy mother who would never allow them to shop for gifts for me with her (which is fine, my husband should be the one modeling it), and in the past he's said he feels bad forcing them to gift me if their mom is going to give them shit for it. They get him a gift every year, of which they have no qualms having him open in front of me.
I'm extremely pissed. Why do I go out of my way to make playing Santa effortless and free for my husband if he is going to treat me like this, and send the message to the kids that I am not important enough?
Am I overreacting? I know I'm the adult and they wr just kids but we've had this discussion every year. I'm so sick of the thoughtlessness!
He's dropping them off now but when he gets back. I really want to curse him out. Perspective please!!!!!
Edit......Going into this
Edit......Going into this year, I know my husband understood that it is important to me that they "give" me something (I actually expect that he buys it), so last night he had his daughter "wrap 2 gifts" for him that were obviously from me....I meant to say he had his daughter wrap 2 gifts that were obviously FOR me.
I think you mean to say the
I think you mean to say the gifts were FOR you, not FROM you.
And I knew the two wrapped
And I knew the two wrapped gifts were FOR me, not from me.
It's a double-edged fail:
It's a double-edged fail:
1) A parenting fail, because your DH hasn't taught the skids thoughtful gifting. Also, it doesn't sound like he really even thinks of them, either. You do all the gifting. Would he even get them anything if you weren't there?
2) A husband fail. He knows this is important to you. He could have made more of an effort. I hope he actually made the effort to give you a gift from himself.
I feel your pain on this. Today, I got a gift for each of SO's sons. Neither liked their gift. My kids got me a gift and SO a gift. My kid who lives at home got SO's kids each a gift. SO's kids didn't get any gifts for anyone. SO got each of my kids a gift but not his own kids (though the gifts i got them were from Santa, which is assumed to mean both of us since his kids are teens and are past Santa age.) It's something that's taught. Or not. SO got me a nice gift, though, and I told him how much i appreciated it. I guess you may have to spell it out for him. "Next year i would be so happy if you did X." If he's just clueless and ill-mannered, but means well, he will listen. If not...well. You might have to stop playing Santa to those who deserve coal.
Not over sensitive at all.
Your feelings are valid and I would feel hurt too. You've made it known that something is important to you and he chose not to put effort in and make it special even though it wouldn't have took much on his end.
Same here
My DH86 wasnt a good gift giver, either. Like you, I put much effort into buying and wrapping nice gifts for everyone.
I finally realized the most important gift I could buy each year was for myself. It wasn't a perfect solution but it helped. Eventually, I realized that DH and I buy what we want during the year and don't exchange at Christmas.
In the early years, the SKs didn't buy for me and DH didn't help there. But as they got older, they did it themselves.
I'd be hurt, too. So hurt, in
I'd be hurt, too. So hurt, in fact, that I'd let SO do his own shopping and wrapping for his kids next year. My skids do get or make me gifts, and DH helps them. I think that's a minimal expectation - your SO is failing big here.
Your step kids are 12 and 14,
Your step kids are 12 and 14, more than old enough to have input into a gift for you and to actively help choose something (perhaps with some guidance from your husband).
Your husband has made a slight improvement on last year. You asked that his kids "give" you something. He did that in his eyes. He did not have the social nuance to realize that also means they should hand you the gift on Christmas Day and watch as you open it. Perhaps if they had input into choosing it they would be more keen on directly giving it to you.
Sometimes we have to spell out these individual steps to our other half's. Either they have different customs in their families to what we are used to or they just miss the social sophistication to realize it for themselves.
This is not to say that you are wrong to feel ignored and used after all the efforts you went to. I would feel the same as you. And would have hoped that the kid actually handed me a gift or wanted to watch me open it.
Personally I have never bought the main gifts for my sd or the rest of my husband's family. I left it all to him, perhaps with some discussion of ideas but usually he just gets what he wants for them, usually they are labeled from "us". I might buy a small personal gift from me if I wanted or saw something appropriate.
I would step back from doing anything that doesn't bring you joy when it comes to gifting to his kids. The only reason I might continue to buy for them would be if you fear that he will overspend (beyond your budget) on them if left to his own divises.
It is a long time until next festive season, so you don't have to make a decision about it now. Think on things. See how the year goes.
While it would be NICE if
While it would be NICE if your stepkids wanted to give you a gift for all you do and provide for them, it shouldn't be mandatory. Gift gifting should be an extension of the relationship you have. But I do have to tell you that bio kids can also be thoughtless. My DS27 did not give me a Christmas gift this year. He's Autistic, but he knows better. I raised him properly.
I don't want a gift I have to demand, but I also don't like feeling resentful of other people, so I would STOP putting my time, energy and finances into making their Christmas special. Don't chew your spouse out. Calmly tell him that next Christmas is going to be different. He's 100% responsible for making Christmas special for his kids and you will focus on those who appreciate your efforts.
I promise you that the freedom from resentment gained by setting boundaries and not doing nice things for a$$holes is spectacular.
Was your name on them? Then I
Was your name on them? Then I assumed you would have opened them with everyone else gift opening... if not then you couldn't have known they were you for you right..
You're not being sensitive. It's hurtful. Our SO/DHs just don't get it.
My skids live with us 24/7 for 6 years and before that they were at BMs EOWE. They were 12,11, and 8 when I met SO. They are now 20,19, and 16. SD is more "giving" But I have never received a birthday or Xmas from SS20 or SS19. SO just didn't reach them. I tried to reach them something... I can only do so much.
"They" aka SD16 is the one that made them spilt a gift card to our favorite restaurant this year. She has gotten one for here before when she was much younger and had her friends mom bring her there. Now she drives.
I have no real advice but know your pain.
At that age
SK should pick out a gift for you. Depending on where you live , DH may have to take them to get it. Getting you a gift shows respect to you for what you are doing for them. You have no legal responsibility to them. If they were sitting in the street starving ..you could legally walk by, just like everybody else can.
I should add that to my gripes list
I stopped buying and doing presents for powersulk the past few years after her harrassment charges and cps threats. Shes never in the entire 10 years gotten me anything, even a card (even one from husband) so shes being taught to be a taker not a giver. Ive made peace with it.
Your DH is failing as a parent and as a husband. He needs more detailed instructions...a diagram and powerpoint presentation.
There's a bigger package to unwrap here.
And it isn't any gift under the Christmas tree. It's this comment by your husband:
"...he's said he feels bad forcing them to gift me if their mom is going to give them shit for it."
That crap needs to be called out for what it is - BM's malevolant manipulation of minor children and your chickensh!t husband's acquiesence to it.
Your DH needs to sit his kids down and tell them that YOU are his wife, and YOU are the one who makes their holiday at your house what it is. They should feel free to show their appreciation to you accordingly - no matter what their mother may say.
He needs to have a candid conversation and explain to them that they should never be ashamed of being nice to you, giving you a gift, or having a good relationship with you. If their mother has a problem with it, then it is indeed HER problem - because as far as he is concerned, you (and your family) are THEIR family, too.
If toxic BM "gives the kids sh!t" about what happens in their father's house, then father needs to confront her point-blank and tell her he will be reinforcing the message that IN HIS HOUSE his kids will learn about acceptance, gratitude, and being able to openly care for YOU, if that's how they feel.
Oh, and if he can't do this, then tell him your next gift to him will be a session with a marriage counselor.
Somehow i skipped over the
Somehow i skipped over the part about him not wanting the kids to get a gift out of fear of BM. It would be one thing if you only saw them now and then, but these kids are in OP's house a third of the time. A third of your life is too much to have a crazy BM have that much control. I wonder if the kids even knew the gifts were for OP. "Here, wrap these for me." Not quite the same as helping them give her a gift.
Exactly why a toxic X needs
Exactly why a toxic X needs to live with a foot constantly up their ass and kids need the facts including every bit of of garbage their toxic shit parent spews. The quality side of the kids's genepool and blended family needs to teach and hold the spawn to using manners .
Zero tolerance for crap works.
It shocked me reading that
It shocked me reading that you are the one spending your money and time buying their presents. I think that should be the BF responsability. I understand you enjoy it but when we do what other's should do I feel like boundaries get blurry, ppl expect more from us and you start serenting for doing so much and not receiving.
In the end is easier to control and change your part. So maybe next year your SO can spend his money and time in buying the present for his kids and you can take some time for yourself or maybe even buying youseld a niiiice present with that money you are saving