No vacay souvenir for stepmom
So I have been with my husband for seven years (only married in March) and have been around his kids since they were 5&7....now they are 12 and 14. Baby mom will NOT acknowledge me whatsoever other than to talk crap, it's very volatile (not on my part, she is mentally ill)
So stepkids come home after vacation to Disney with mom. Telling us all about it...they had some stuff so I asked if they got any souvenirs........SD14 said yes, for people in her family She shared they got dad a shirt that said "I am your father" or something ....of course I got nothing, she even mentioned she had money left over....
I'm so upset...am I not part of her family?! I think it's downright rude. Whatever, her mom might have an influence on her but that comment and me blatantly being left out really stung, especially when I 100% take care of all the Christmas, birthday and Easter gifts (which I really enjoy doing)....maybe I'm too sensitive...but I do a LOT for them!!!
Am I right to be annoyed?
They are hell spawned by a toxic BM. Do not give them space in
your head.
smh
It just makes me so resentful
It just makes me so resentful of all the things I do for them!!!! It's definitely time to disengage
Long past time.
Long past time.
Being a SM is a thankless job
Being a SM is a thankless job; you do a lot of work for no reward or recognition. SMs have it the worst and if BM alienates against you, it makes it 10x harder. Take this as evidence that skids don't care or like you and respond accordingly. If they don't value you, don't value them - stop helping with Christmas, Birthdays, and Easter. Don't take them to do things. Don't pay for things for them. Act like they don't exist. Leave all of it to DH and if he fails to do it, oh well. These kids don't get the benefit of a SM if they can't be respectful and view you as part of the family. And DH should be calling out their shitty games, but even if he does it doesn't mean it'll change anything.
Best advice.
Now is the time to begin disengagement. Read up on that thread for ways to do it.
Most important: You do not have to make some grand pronouncement that you are stepping out of the fray, Just quietly stop doing things. Don't shop. Don't make special meals, Don't remind DH of skid birthdays. Don't do any kind of driving/shuttling skids to their after school activities or other social events.
Begin to have other things to do when skids are visiting - you need to work, need to visit a sick friend, etc. Find a way to get out of the house and spend that time in a way you enjoy. If you can't get out of the house, then do a polite/cordial hello when the kids arrive and then retreat to your bedroom with a headache. Binge watch your favorite TV shows, read a book, surf the net.
Leave ALL of skid support for your DH to do.
As you've identified, the BM hates your guts and has blamed you for her marriage demise, so there is NO WAY these kids will ever genuinely feel any closeness or caring for you. That's the truth. It will always be the truth. You will not make headway in the tug of war with their mother.
I've been in the game for almost 20 years with a SD who is enmeshed with her mother. It hasn't changed a bit and it never will. When we must see each other, we are distantly polite and that's it. And that's just the way I will keep it.
In fairness…
I think it's safe to assume based on your description of the BM's behavior that your SK's would not be able to admit that they are buying you something on a trip with their mom. I wouldn't take this too personally... the BM has made it clear that she can't deal with your existence so the kids not buying you a gift makes sense.
They are caught up in a
They are caught up in a loyalty bond. Kids always run to the weakest parent. The mental illness requires it if them. The best thing you can do is back off and not aggravate the skids in Choosing. That was my decision and I just aimed at giving my YSD a pressure free environment with her father. I didn't give YSD anything to take back to HCBM that would cause her to act up. She is now 23, graduated college and is now reaching out to me. I'm proceeding carefully but she's been showing up for her half sister. Her father also started using critical thinking questions with her around 12/13 and I think it helped a lot in the long run. ( who, what , why, how questions). She also got a degree in psychology.
Remember, getting extras
Remember, getting extras/gifts in the stepworld is a two way street.
absolutely this. look..
absolutely this. look.. anything we do for the skids is voluntary.. now.. it may be in the familial dynamic that you are the "gift procurrer" and do that on behalf of your DH.. and you enjoy that ... so you do get something out of it in the end.. even if it is your own satisfaction.
Given their mom's feelings towards you... and your own relationship with the kids (per prior posts.. not all rosy all the time".. I'm not sure that I would be expecting them to get me things.. but.. you also don't have to continue to go out of your way for them either.
You know where you stand
That will never change. Only will get worse if you allow it to. Disengage, totally, DH wants to see his kids ,wants visitation. Then he cooks cleans take care of everything. You want to do something because us fun. Then do it The money you save you can buy yourself a gift. Who would want a crappie BM gift ?
Could they have easily bought something for you while on
Could they have easily bought something for you while on vacation with their Mom? Depending on how controlling or nosey she is, they might not have felt comfortable buying something for you while they were with her. Do they get you anything for Christmas or your birthday?
So sorry you have been hurt
So sorry you have been hurt