oh DH...SMH....labels again?
DH mood swings are giving me whiplash. I swear. I think I'm going nuts. This isn't a bad thing, and is very surprising.
Last night DH was all worked up wrapping SS Christmas gifts. This job normally fell on me (I used to love Christmas) so DH doesn't have a lot of gift-wrapping experience. This year I have left everything to him after his gift splurge on SS.
I almost died laughing. He posted himself smack in the middle of our living room floor with 6 rolls of paper, three packs of tape, empty boxes from work, etc....(DH said we can't just "wrap the gift itself" it has to be in a box so SS doesn't know what it is)...after 20 minutes of "failed attempts" (paper wouldn't go all the way across on one side after ends folded, paper wouldn't overlap in the middle, etc) DH actually googled "how to wrap a Christmas Gift".
As he was trying (and trying, and trying) to wrap gifts, he was actually talking to me. He wanted to know if he could put "from Dad and Step-mom" on the gifts instead of "dad and iamlosingit". DH has never used the label "SM" on me before to SS. He says SS isn't stupid and we've been together for years and it's about time he started to recognize it. He also said he realizes he hasn't been very good at including me on decisions regarding SS and HE APOLOGIZED. He said the break up with BM was harder than he thought and strongly effected his interactions with SS, and it unintentionally made him not include/involve me in a lot and he sees it now and wants us to be more of a "family unit". I must have made a face when he said this because he laughed and said "See? I am trying. I really am." He then counted the gifts and pulled two aside to be "from Santa". I warned him he's never done a "Santa" gift for SS before and it might confuse him, and he asked "I haven't?" I reminded him that every time he had SS on Christmas day he would give him gifts "from dad" because he wanted SS to know who the gifts came from. DH shook his head and said "wow, I must have been really bitter....well these two are going to be from Santa".
I don't know if there is something in the water or what is going on. I've disengaged a lot before, but maybe DH is finally realizing everything I actually do??
What are your thoughts on the Christmas gift labeling? I think it might be too late.
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Hmmm. I wonder if he's
Hmmm. I wonder if he's getting a whiff of how fed up you are and worried that you will leave him. I find it hard to believe that he has suddenly changed. Maybe for a short period, but once he gets you content again, things will go back to the way they were.
I would not set aside your plans for a new year, a new life.
no worries
I completely agree, and no I am not setting aside my plans. But it is a nice change. Maybe he will change? Who knows. Not hopeful, but not going to ignore his efforts either. Also not going to be a pushover. We'll see how long this lasts.
My DH actually DID wake up
My DH actually DID wake up completely on his own and changed his entire tune nearly overnight. After several YEARS of me trying to get him to consider my perspective and give me more consideration...years of hurt and anger and frustration on my part...he literally overnight started having these "epiphanies" about marriage and his relationship that were essentially verbatim all the things I'd been telling him...but months after I'd stopped trying or brning anything to his attention.
It was like the blinders fell off his eyes about his kids. He started seeing that they were coddled, immature and unable to do things for themselves that they should be doing. He started seeing what OSD was really like...and setting boundaries, rules, and chores for them. He started saying things like: "I think my job as a dad is to raise productive kids and help them launch and leave...but I'm building a life with you." and "I realized recently that I've been horrible with your family and I think it was out of guilt from my own failed marriage. But you shouldn't miss out on your close-knit family just because my family is broken and complicated."
So...yes. They can change but they have to see it for themselves and make the effort, in my experience.
Unfortunately, I'm still considering leaving and living on my own after the New Year...because it was too much for too long and I feel unsupported in other ways, specifically in wanting to have a child and in our finances.
My SO actually did change as
My SO actually did change as well. He used to never include me in skid-related decisions, would just tell them they can have sleepovers, bring friends to the lake with us, etc, without even asking me. We had it out about it a few times, and he just didn't get it. Then one day, it clicked. He checks with me every time now before he allows them to have friends sleep over or come with. He also used to get mad at me any time I showed the slightest bit of irritation towards skids. Of course it took a few fights about it, but he finally realized that I'm human, and it's unfair to be asked to not have frustrations or feelings when I'm around these kids that are not mine ALL the time (we have majority custody).
It sounds like your DH did do some thinking and perhaps had a little breakthrough- I hope it really does stick!
Regarding the labeling, I would put whatever YOU feel most comfortable with. I couldn't imagine writing anything on the labels except "Dad and Step-girlfriend", even if we were married, but that's up to you. If he's never done Santa before though, not sure I'd start now....
I only put the kid’s name
I only put the kid’s name that the present is for and leave off the from category. The kids already know that every gift under our tree is from me and their dad/step dad. This is our 7th Christmas together.
^^This is what we do.
^^This is what we do.
DH may be the one forking over money, but I'm the one who does the cooking and sets up everything for the skid invasion so he considers everything to be from the two of us.
well now. i guess you'll
well now. i guess you'll just have to wait and see if this particular shade of enlightenment is permanent or not!
i am also uncomfortable with referring to myself as their stepmother. they KNOW that that is my position in the family, but it doesn't change the fact that i'm just "tuff" and will always be "tuff". like jlb and aniki above, i have never filled out the 'from' part of the gift tags cuz they know who it's from (well, i used to put 'santa' on a few when they were REAAAAALY little). any birthday cards and stuff that i've filled out for them, i've always put "love, daddy and tuff". when referring to dh and i, they use the phrase "my parents", or on the rare occasion speaking to others and they have to refer to my role, they will use the word stepmom (as in "my stepmom will be dropping me off") but it's still kind of a weird label, it's just not very comfortable for me or them to use.
Meh
my gifts always came from "Dad and SM Name". We didn't need to shine that turd, we all knew who she was because she had dinner on the table every night and if I stepped out of line with her, my dad jerked a knot in my tail. She was and is stepmom but most people assume she's my actual mom cause the kids call her grandma. She still just goes by her name with me.
When my SD11 asked what she
When my SD11 asked what she should call me after DH and I got married, I said, well, what do you want to call me? You've always called me Riverlark, why should that change? and she agreed, and then decided that she'd call me her Stepmom when she was describing me, and my name when addressing me. Which suits me fine, because I like to be called by my name.