Adult SD contacts DH after almost 3 years and Im pissed- So predictable
SD is emancipated in 3 months and my DH has planned to drop her from insurance. I had written about it in a past post. She and her mother have bad mouthed me, my DH and my kids to DHs family and friends for the past 3 years-said hes a deadbeat, bad father.None of it is true.
I predicted SD would try to manipulate DH at the very end to keep her insurance going.
BM has a live in BF that she calls Dad that shes known for only a few years. She has been severely PASed and is severely enmeshed with her mother. She tried texting both my kids in the past few months and my older daughter told her off for all the horrible things shes said and done to her. My younger one just ignored the text.Now my DH just got a long text about how much she misses him and loves him and she hopes that he doesnt hate her like my kids do.
So far he has said he is not responding and he feels its a manipulative move to keep her on the insurance. It wont cost a dime to keep her on but she abuses the hell out of it and doesnt pay her copays most of the time. She has sucked every dime out of us she could and we have been hurting financially for years.
DHs family has started to reach out alittle in the past couple of weeks and my DH was so happy but I had said I feel this is a "trap" and has something to do with SD. My MIL hasnt seen us or asked for my kids in 2 years and all of a sudden she asked when we were coming and that she missed my kids. Sadly Ive become VERY cynical.
With the holidays coming I feel shes going to keep trying and Im pissed. My DH is on antidepressants and has started getting high blood pressure from all this crap. I dont know know what I want to happen.I know my husband... Hes always been a pushover and right now hes talking tough but I feel hes going to give in and it will be like none of this ever happened. She did and said some horrible things to me and my kids all out of jealousy when she has more and always will. Forget BM. Shes a nasty manipulative person and has BPD and bipolar.
I dont know what advice Im even looking for but I cant do this again. Its been 18 years of torture and the last few have been sad but I was getting used to having holidays with just us, birthdays etc. Now she wants back in becasue she might lose something from DH.
SD doesnt know anything from DHS side of why divorce and all the fighting happened with DH and BM. BM has made herself an abused housewife and that I broke up their marriage. I didnt even know DH when they divorced and BM cheated on DH all through their marriage and left DH for his best friend and there is a huge question of paternity for SD. BM has attacked me and DH physically over the years and we have police reports showing it all. She knows none of this because DH felt it wasnt for her to know and took the high road and thought SD would see who caused all the issues over the years and who didnt. BM changes history all the time and actually believes it.
Just venting I guess. I dont see either outcome going good. If he talks to her again me and my DH will have problems because he cant be fair to my kids when shes around and if he doesnt talk to her DH will probably stay in this funk hes been in these past few years.I wish she would have left us all alone...
She hasnt said anything about me but has been trained to hate me since she was 3. Wasnt even allowed to say my name is their house so shes got a chip on her shoulder when it comes to me.Should he ignore her? Talk to her? Tell her about the past so she can see the other side of the story?
In Laws know and saw most of
In Laws know and saw most of it. They are just swayed by pretty words basically. BM and SD know how to pile on the manure and flatter the hell out of people. SD is almost 22 and I have copies of everything. DH is always wishy washy though. Thats how things got so bad.
They watched BM call us 5 times in a row fighting and showing up to yell and scream at DH at anything having to do with my kids,birth of my kids, christenings, birthdays. They said we were immature and would roll their eyes when we would explain why we wanted minimal contact with BM. Because BM would call them and say I just want the best for SD. He loves his other 2 kids more and pushes her aside. Meanwhile Life stopped when SD wasnt here and DH revolved everything around her.
I dont know why they believe her when they saw it all.
Thanks for the advice.
Maybe. Kind of hard to excuse
Maybe. Kind of hard to excuse someone coming to a church for a christening for MY child and screaming about stupid crap. Seems Im the one in pictures with red eyes from crying.
And I guess she was right when my youngest was being born that she yelled and screamed and called my inlaws because my DH wouldnt take SD for visitation becasue I was in labor. Sorry to inconvenience her.
Or at a party for my DD BM insisting DH bring SD home regular time to be spiteful so he would have to leave for an hour during the party and getting my inlaws involved and when DH asked them to take SD home they said no and he had to leave. It was 7 at night and she was being spiteful
Or when she attacked me when I was 8 months pregnant because DH has been waiting for SD to come out for visitation for 30 minutes and he had to nerve to tell her to have her ready on time.I was wrong for just sitting in the car and being pregnant. That was enough to piss her off.
Telling SD that my DH is an asshole right in front of us when she was 8.Having every boyfriend be called Daddy.
Sure. Thats one of a hundred things.
Does DH really think there is
Does DH really think there is a good chance his daughter is not his? If it were me, I would want to know the truth. Not being ugly to SD, she is old enough to know. Her true family health history might be important factor to know when she gets older. I am sure DH loves her and truly does not want to know. If it comes back, he is her father...he will be the low life dog. If he truly is not her father, it will sure be an eye opening for BM and SD.
They hasnt had sex for 3
They hasnt had sex for 3 years and BM threw herself at him one random night. SD was 4 weeks early and a normal weight. Decent chance but was too hard to get one back then and he never wanted to know. DHs family knew and said its just a baby and it doesnt matter cuz shes beautiful and you love her. They knew who she cheated with and what was going on.
DHs family doesnt believe in divorce no matter what so that was always an issue.
".Should he ignore her? Talk
".Should he ignore her? Talk to her? Tell her about the past so she can see the other side of the story?"
What DH does regarding his daughter is on him. Not you. He's a big boy now and he can make or break his relationship with his daughter without you making up his mind whether he should do this or that. The health insurance is his problem to say yes or no to...unless it is indeed your insurance benefit through your own employment. Does he have to cover her? No. Should he have a sense of obligation to a 22yr old woman? It's up to him, but as she won't pay her co-pays and leaves her father in a pinch to then acquire his own meds, he certainly shouldn't feel guilty if he does drop her.
Let him make these decisions. Speaking to her does not mean he has to open his front door wide for her and welcome her back with open arms. This young lady has caused a lot of damage not only in your household but with his extended family also. He can have an occasional lunch out with her and see if the two of them are capable of having some form of adult daughter and father relationship , but again that doesn't mean he has to do that either. What he does need to be able to do is make his own decision without feeling pressure from you or that in any way he can come back and say 'wife, you made me do this or that'.
I told him to make his own
I told him to make his own decision and thats what he said. What I posted above. I told him I dont want more than a hi bye thing with her if he talks to her. SD lives hours away and doesnt work or drive so its just a phone relationship for now if it ever happens.
I dont control him at all. He asked me what I thought about it all and I told him. Weve been married for 18 years. We talk about things. He knew it was coming anyway with the insurance ending.
This is one of the parts of
This is one of the parts of steplife that aggravates me the most. You endure years of abuse & trauma/drama, finally get to a place of peace, and then the crazy tries to get back in. Just keep reminding yourself, you didn't make her or break her, and it's nothing to do with you.
I have SDs that treat us poorly, & in-laws that pressure us to bend over and take it because they are happiest being unhealthy. What works for me is distance. I leave all issues pertaining to his kids & relatives up to DH. This frees me from the negativity, & if his sibs never see him because he's socially retarded, oh well, not my fault.
And you bet my DH dropped his kid from our insurance. She had moved out while we were at work & lied about attending community college. Her choice, her consequence.
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Haha Told my husband. He
Haha Told my husband. He laughed. That was a good one!