and has been all along. This isn't my first arrival at that conclusion. Ahhhh, I'll try to shed some light. This weekend my husband was out of town on a fishing trip leaving me home with my SD, my 10 and 6 yr old bio and the 10 yr old had a friend over whose mom is a single mom newly dating a guy about 6 hours away. So we had a relatively good weekend. SD and I had one big blowup about some failing grades, but we worked through it mainly because she knows when I say something I am going to stick with it. My husband is a different story.

So yesterday I told SD to think of some ideas for activities she and I could share starting this weekend. She came to me late yesterday and said, "How about we start running together?" After recovering from laughter and wiping the tears from my face (my running days are so far hidden beneath 60 excess pounds), I said, "How about we start off walking and work up from there?" She replied, "Okay, maybe we can walk to get coffee on Saturday mornings?" I love this idea for 3 reasons: one I love coffee...love love love it; two, I am training for the breast cancer 3 day in November so any opportunity to log some miles is a blessing; and three, she really wants to do something with me. So I was really proud of her for coming up with the idea and embraced the modified version wholeheartedly.

Fast forward today we are talking as she helps me prepare dinner and I said, "You know Mother's Day is in a week or two. Do you want to go see your mom?" Mind you the child has not seen her mom since November. She said, "Not really. I mean it when I say I really don't give a rat's patootie about her." (That would take a lot of explaining but let's just say the child only found out about 8 or 9 months ago that my husband is not her biodad; that her mom had told her sisters that my husband raped her when they were married along with all of her brothers, her dad; that her mother physically assaulted her 18 yr old sister when she got pregnant which spurred a spontaneous abortion; that her mom left her in November on her birthday to run an errand and returned the next day...suffice it to say, she's been through a lot). So I said, "Just think about it, and if you change your mind let us know."

So she's lingering around and I can tell she wants to talk some more. The other kids are in their room playing so I ask her to spill the beans. And she tells me, "You know you're the reason I told my mom I wanted to stay with Dad, Angelia. You have done more for me in the 5 years I've known you than mom or dad ever did. And I know you think I'm a master manipulator, but I'm really serious. Can I tell you something that I've never told anybody and never thought I would?" Me thinking, oh God I just can't handle much more of these people's deep, dark secrets, but of course I said, "Of course."

"I have pretended so much and caused myself a mess of problems." I interrupt her at this point and say to her, "SD, you are not telling me anything I don't already know. I told H within a few months of meeting you all that you did not have a learning disability, that you were putting on to get attention and love." I went on to explain to her that the only true learning deficiency she has is a speech impediment (which H and her bio mom told her was b/c she was born in CT). She almost dropped a spoon. She said, "You know?" I nodded my head. And went on to explain to her that she had now created a big ole mess b/c she pretended which actually led to her not learning and actually falling behind in school. After about 45 minutes of conversation she admitted that when she was younger she recalls this starting during a vision test, when she purposely read the letters and numbers out of order to ensure she got glasses.

She went on to tell me that she found it near difficult to control certain impulses, that the only reason she wasn't doing some really crazy things is because she feared discipline from me. Finally she said to me, "I'm not going to lie, Angelia, when you are busting my chops I'm thinking this tough love stuff blows. But I know you do it because you love and believe in me. Dad on the other hand is so afraid of losing me that he caters to my every whim and it makes me so mad. Like the other night, you all were right to not allow me to stay afterschool without a note. But dad came into my room and was apologizing for sticking to the rules. I was so mad at him for that."

I could go on forever, but that's not even the moral of the story. More fast forward to H getting home. I help clean the crab and shrimp. We get the kids to bed and are in the bathroom. He asked me how the weekend went with the kids, and I told him relatively well. He asked when was Mom's Day which triggered the convo with SD. So I gave him a cursory overview.

Specifically I told him she did not want to visit her bio mom. I then said and we decided to start walking for coffee every Saturday morning. And he says to me, "Whose bright idea was that?" It crushed me. I was so hurt and angry. I said it was a mutual decision and he said, "Well that's not a very creative activity." I asked him what would he suggest since obviously we had to do what he wanted, and he says, "I didn't mean it that way I was just thinking freely out loud (which is always his cowardly fall back position). I clammed up and got dressed for bed angrily. I went on to ask him if he knew that I had actually called Friday and told SD she could stay after school regardless of lack of note and he said no. I informed him that I had in fact done so and that she had opted not to stay at school because it was against the rules. And this is what he said....

"Oh so you think that is a major accomplishment? Truth is, Angelia, if it was just my way she wouldn't even need a note to stay after school. I would let my girls do whatever they wanted to and I'd just choose to trust them even when they broke that trust and inspite of that."

To which I replied, "And that's exactly why the 18 and 16 yr old ended up so f*cked up b/c you refuse to grow up and be a father."

Full blown argument ensued during which he says, "Well, I hope SD knows what she is doing because she is betting on you against me and her bio mom." I replied, "Just shows she is as smart as I always knew she was because of the three of us, I am the best bet hands down."

And here I sit on the sofa instead of being in the arms of my husband whom I haven't seen since Friday morning...this blows. But I am so mad at him.

All along I have thought and said that he is the problem. He was the reason his EW was so pathetic (didn't ever get a job despite being highly educated), why his girls are so weak and dependent upon boys. He raised them all to be victims, to need him and rely on him. I am the polar opposite....I love him but I am no victim. I think for myself, and I want this marriage. But should it fail, the fact of the matter is that I know (from past heartbreak) that life just keeps right on rolling along.

Some additional context....my SD was in special ed until last year. She has been sped all her life until last year. When I met her, I started reading with her and forced her to enunciate when she spoke to me. She has a 90.4 gpa and is mainstreamed. My H says to me, "I know your children are MENSA smart, but SD isn't. So let's keep our expectations for her reasonable. If I can get her to become a teacher, that's a major feat." I told him that was a horrible view to have of SD, that he should set his expectations for her as high as he does for anyone else b/c she is capable of anything she sets her mind to. I tell her that all the time. I tell her not to allow anyone -- H, me, her bio mom, to dictate to her what her abilities are.

I am so mad I couldn't possibly sleep. I want to go thump H right in the temple, but of course that is not the solution. Alas, I do believe his enabling mentality is the problem. He is and was an ass tonight, and unfortunately this isn't the first nor shall it be the last time.

Sweet dreams, steptalkers.

Angeliabb