Partner favours his own kids over mine
Hi all! Found this site in my desperate quest for some answers i.e. am I going mad here?!
Met my fiance 2 years ago & we have bought a house together, causing resentment from both sets of kids really, as all have moved out from their home areas.
Currently his 2 kids 19 & 16 live here with us - v resentful of me for the move & general upset to their easy going lives. Son of 19 has only recently got a job & refuses to do anything at all around the house 'for her'. His daughter is ok although she does side with her brother. And my fiance sides entirely with them! If they don't want to do anything they don't have to!
On top of all this, he is even paying his son's mobile phone bills as well as having free board etc, and will soon be buying his daughter a new car (as he has done everything for his son, this is fair to them).
My problem is that I cannot give my kids anything like he gives his. My son is paying for his accom to finish Uni, as well as having a part time job to help him run his old banger - which needs urgent repairs. My partner just says it's mine & my ex's problem. But my ex only lives in a 2 bed flat & struggles so I know he can't do any more than he is doing.
I cannot see his kids getting everything when my kids are treated as outsiders to him. Surely we should be treating the kids equally?
It is causing an enormous amount of resentment here and I am on the verge of asking to sell up so that I can see my kids treated fairly if not as well as his!
Ny advice would be appreciated, as I can't see a way out of this.
Thanks for reading - I feel a little better just to know that I'm not alone out there!
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Comments
You are not alone!
If you take some time to read these blogs, you'll find a lot of women here have the same complaint. In general, it is easier to favor your own children, hence, the reason why your BF isn't making things easier on you or your children. We all know the frustration of having to pull two loads - our own and the baggage that comes along with SKs. That probably won't change.
You need to do what's best for you and your children, end of story. If you think it's selling out to help your kids, then do it. He's worried about himself and his kids, not you or yours. Do what's best for you!
Thanks for your help - I am
Thanks for your help - I am drawing to this conclusion, only after 6 months of living together, don't want to give up on this wonderful man - he is just misplacing overbearing love for his kids to the extent of excluding all others. Since his wife died 5 years ago, he seems to be over protective and spoiling them to the extent that he doesn't let anyone else in on his little world. Thought I was there, but obviously not.
Thanks again, I'm gaining strength from knowing I'm not alone.
It's really hard. At first
It's really hard. At first I had to deal with the same thing, but my H and I have come to terms on everything. I hope that everything works out in the end but faith is right do what is best for your kids. Don't let you children feel less important than the other children.
When do you call it a day?
Thanks, glad you've managed to overcome this in your relationship, I can only guess that your man was willing to look at things more rationally than mine!
Seems I am not tactful enough and I guess I make things worse, but I have gotten really tired of me having to compromise for his kids bad manners and that he ALWAYS seen to be on their side, even when they are blatantly lying.
Guess you must be one of the lucky ones!
Stay lucky! x
I guess I am lucky that I
I guess I am lucky that I have a husband that stands beside me but not so lucky that he has an ex which is the devil. I hope everything works out for you. Sounds like at this time you need to look out for you and the kids
The children.....ALL of the
The children.....ALL of the children, need to be treated equally, period. If his are getting more than yours or vice versa, the time will come when it all blows up. You will start to feel resentment towards him and towards his kids. Your kids will start to feel resentment towards him and towards his kids. His kids will start to feel resentment....and on it goes. It needs to stop and stop now. You two are a team, you need to be united and the kids need to see that they are loved equally. If you have talked to him and he still feels that your kids are not his problem, I wouldn't waste any more time. I am in a similar situation myself however, I have recently ended my relationship. The one thing I kept thinking about was "what message am I sending to my kids?" That his kids are better? That his kids are loved more? Deserve more? No, I chose to not continue sending that message and feel that we are better off because of it. Can I buy them lots of toys and gadgets? No I can't.....but they know I love them and will do what I can for them.
All the children
Thank you. I think that is exactly what I need to hear. He has come home tonight, blaming me that his eldest has moved out with his girlfriend - he would never have done this if I wasn't so evil. Yet he hasn't noticed that my youngest (only 14) has decided now to spend more time with her father because of what's going on here. I am heartbroken. I cannot live here where I am hated, but have no money to do anything else .... for the time being. I know what must be done. We need to get the house sold and get back to our own families.
Thank you so much for giving me the answer I know I knew, but needed to hear.
God bless.
Its never equal
I have simila issues except my DH pay 1000 a month for one kid to his ex. At the same time I have three kids that live with us that have never seen a dime from thier own father. So they see that my SS has two loving Bio parents and her gets to go to the bahamas for his freshman year field trip. It will never end until the kids grwo up and leave.
My SS is our only child so I don't have to struggle
with blending the yours and mine kids.
However, I think I would just start an accounting ledger on how much is spent on each or the kids from your joint incomes. Don't count what the kids get from the other parents only what you and your F spend on them out of your combined income.
Once you can show him the inequities you should be able to put your foot down and hold him accountable for treating all children in the home in a similar fashion.
You may not be able to stop him from favoring his own children over yours but you should be able to prevent him from giving more to them than you both contribute to yours.
And by the way, welcome to the community. I hope you find it a good place to vent, contribute and pick up some useful perspectives and suggestions.
Good luck and best regards,