Email communication with bm
How many of you communicate with bm through e-mails? And only take call in an emergency situations.
My dh is not good with standing up to bm to her face, alot of the time he just gives into her and he is not very good with comebacks to her. She belittles him in front of the kids and most of the time he just takes it, I can see what a toll it takes on his appearance of himself and it does affect our relationship. I think it would be easier for him to respond to her through emails and then the kids would not have to hear the way bm talks to him, she beat him down emotionally for so long and it is taking him a long time to realize that he is a good person and is only trying to do what is best for the kids. I don't think that he should have to go up to her house to pick them up, he goes at the same time so I think sd's should just watch for him and when he gets there they should come get in the car, then he would not have to worry about dealing with bm. SD's are 12 and 10. Any suggestions about it would be greatly appreciated. DH is trying hard to stand up to bm she is just making it extremely difficult and I am trying to help him figure out more positive ways to avoid her, and her wrath.
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What exactly
does he feel he needs to stand up about? Does he not have a court order? If she is trying to get around an order, there is nothing wrong with simply saying, I prefer we follow the court order for now.
I like email between ex's for a couple reason's...
1. Gives you a chance to think about what you want to say
2. Gives you the opportunity to take a moment to reflect on the situation before responding to something that has angered you
3. Paper trail
"The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change, So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding, and love." -Jennifer Edwards
I totally agree with your
I totally agree with your reasons for liking email those were my exact reasons too.
Yes they have a court order and we try to follow it word for word.I think our big problem is she tries to start problems in front of the kids and she tries to change the court order to her liking not what is truly written down. And what is agreeable by both parties as it states in the order.There is no extra time for my dh with sd's, she just flat refuses. I think my dh could stand up alot easier, he struggles with communcication and because he does I think if he had more time to respond then he would do it with more confidence.
Stop making people a priority in your life that only make you an option in theirs! author unknown
That's what we do.
Our BM has a tendency to go back on her word and to "misremember" entire conversations when it suits her. Plus, in the past when there have been reshufflings of the schedule, we've found that if we don't get that in writing so that we have proof of what was said, she can't be trusted to keep her word if something comes up that is in conflict with what was agreed upon.
- Paper trail
- Evidence of the horrible way she treats DH (rudeness, name calling, disrespectful behavior and downright lies) for future reference
- Evidence of conversations via email in which she flat out refuses to do things that are specifically mandated in the divorce decree, for future evidence
- She has a tendency to go apesh*t when she doesn't get her way, and she uses that to make DH back down. She knows that if he thinks she'll freak out and go ballistic, he'll be more likely to give in to avoid confrontation. Email takes that power away from her.
Plus, honestly, sometimes DH is too busy to contact her regarding a decision we've made regarding the kids (we discuss all decisions regarding them when it affects our home) so then, he just has me log onto his account and write her as though I'm him. If I wrote to her myself, she'd flip out, as apparently I'M the one who's impossible to deal with! :?
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
BM in our case is the same
BM in our case is the same and it would be easier if dh and I were able to discuss and then respond to her. Most likely it would be me responding like you said you do. I am much better at putting it on paper than him, but most of all she would not be able to twist our words and we would have proof of what she says.
Don't feel bad I am impossible to get along with too, yet my x and his wife and I get along very well and we work together for what is best for the kids. It is so sad that most bm's are so wrapped up in what is best for themselves not what is best for the kids.
My dh and I have been talking and I think we are going to try this and see how it goes. I just wanted some input from other sm's and how it works for them.
Stop making people a priority in your life that only make you an option in theirs! author unknown
Yes, but
BM refuses--REFUSES to respond to me in email or phone or admit that I exist!
I will write her an email about my stepkids and she'll ALWAYS respond to MY husband and sign it her name.
Ohhh and for the longest time, she'd sign the emails her first name and MY HUSBAND'S last name (MY last name)! Sooo tacky! After divorce, change back to maiden name--especially if your ex is re-married!!
But everything should be in email so you can prove it in court if need be. You'll be amazed how much you'll need to cover your butt!
Wouldn't hurt to have a camera during these rude times! The judge would want to see that.
That is part of the reason I
That is part of the reason I did not change my last name when i got married when my H divorced his ex she kept his last name!!Its hiliarious too because she always claims to hate him!Even better when the kids have home work they have to have a note book signed by whomever helped them.I help them on our days and the next day she will sign hers.Evey teacher in the school knows the kids and they know who the BM is and my H and me.(there has been alot of drama) She is so crazy though that after she signs her name with his lastname that she kept under that she writes the childs name name and mother so ex: jimmy mother..LOL I just have to laugh at her I have spoke to her a million times in front of councelors,the kids,my H I have told everyone I am not trying to be their mom.I am helping to raise them but I never planned on being a mom so she could just relax because im not tryin to steal her "babies"
Women like my skids BM need a hobby or just to plain get a life!!!
Girl, I know it!! I took a
Girl, I know it!!
I took a while to change my last name and hubby kept after me about it. I told him, there can and WILL only be ONE Mrs. ____ _____ and until your crazy ex drops it, I won't be signing my name as her replacement. I mean more than that and I have a little pride left (not much, but a tad I'm holding onto. HA!)
So, I wrote the child support checks from MY account (she hated that-the troll) and I wrote it out to MS. first name & her MAIDEN name!! Hahahaha....it only took 2 checks like that and she changed her name back! Small victory for me, but it meant a lot. *Score for the evil stepmom!!!* Crowd cheering!!!
What a loser! As if getting huge and stretch marks aren't enough to remind us as moms that we ARE our kids' parent, we have to sign the kids' schoolwork as such?? Nope, I'm not gonna. My kids' step mom would sign their homework book, and I was like....Awesome! She helped with their homework and now I get a night off!! Wooo-who! Wanna do Thursday nights, too?? hahah
Lord, have mercy. And what's wrong with you wanting to be a mother (A mother-not THE mother)to your sson when he's with you?? Geeze, Mary Poppins was a much better mother than any of us could be and I'd love for HER to be their new stepmom! Hahahaha. I've learned to put my selfishness aside and truly want who and what's best for my kids. Sometimes I thought that their step mom WAS better with them, and I'd have my pity party. But I realized that we all mother differently and it's good for my kids to have balanced parents no matter which weekened it is.
Try This it may help
OK so your situation is the same as mine.My H cant stand up to BM and she tears him up. So I have changed things for them. First written communication is best via txt msg or email.
Next if she likes to make a scene perhaps you should change your drop off/pick up location to a public place.This usually will keep Unruly BM's in there place because the are busy portraying the perfect parent!!If she happens to call you on a night when you have the kids and she wants to talk about something other than the kids. Have your H say I am sorry but unless it has to do with our kids The conversation is over and hang up.When/if she drops them off at your home and starts yelling send the kids inside.Tell BM that until she can control her self you will not argue with her and calmly close the door on her.If she continues to rant after your inside call the police and have her removed for harassment!!When your H goes to pick up the kids he should go to the door and walk the kids to the car.(Thats just out caring for the kids)If she starts yelling he should not answer her and get the kids and walk away. If she keeps going and does it in front of the kids he needs to calmy say we should not talk about this in front of our children.This is not easy for a man to do once he has been beaten down,but he needs to try. She is looking for the fight because she wants his attention even if its negative. Try very hard not to give her what she wants and after a while she may back down a bit. I will warn you though ours was pretty peeved when this started but it has brought things down on the intensity scale after a couple weeks! So it was worth it!Good Luck to you both
Setting up boundaries is always a GREAT thing
Your H needs to set up boundaries with this woman ASAP. There is no reason for him to sit on the phone and take this woman's abuse. The BM that I had to deal with is nuts. SD is 16 and for all of those years (the were not together since BM was 2 mths preggo) she got to call my FH whenever she wanted supposedly about "their" daughter but it was at the point when I got together with him 3 years ago that she was calling 60 times a mth and that was just his cell not even his home and work so who knows how many other calls there were! With that being said I busted him trying to hide all this.
This is what he told BM after we went to counseling so he could grow some balls:
He told her that her phone calls were too much at that she could not call unless there was an emergency situation or a medical issue about SD. Anything that was IMPORTANT she could send an email and he would reply. Anything that was just abuse or not important that he could talk to his kid about would not be answered period.
Of course that lasted about six months and she was so pissed because he finally set up boundaries she is taking him back to court for more CS but at this point we don't even care because it will all be a wash when things are said and done and we still get want we want no contact from BM. Trust me your DH will feel so much better. No man should have to sit there and take abuse from a BM just because they have a child together. That's BS.
I love email
because you can create a paper trail on BM. Also, you don't have to look at the caller ID and shudder at the sight of her name as nearly as much. I'm all for the NCP and skids communicating via phone, email or both ways daily, but with BM calling all the time? Nope!
We don't email at all, and
We don't email at all, and am a like glad we don't. In my situation I think email would make BM contact us MORE. My H only speaks to her when SD has lied about me or if there is a switch in schedule (usually just in the summer time and the conversation is less than 1 min long).
So this makes it a 1 min call every few months. We live 5 mins apart but have not seen BM since August. SD runs in and out of the house--we do not exit car--BM does not come outside.
BUT for a lot of people email is the way to go.
love email
that way we have record of things she has said/ asked for. And she has freak outs fairly often, so this keeps it all available for taking to court.
DH tries to not talk to her, but she will corner him at the kids dance class every once in a while or will call from a number we don't know, because she has a new one every few weeks. But all in all, we keep communication as limited as possible.