he was 4 he's been filling his head with crap about me. It's stupid, uncalled for, and you can take her to court for this mess. She's starting PAS. Watch out, it is a messy road.

I don't know how you can explaine this to her. And I wouldn't. Not at this age, not if she's immature. Take her to thearpy. They can help this situation without you coming out on the wrong end of this stick.

PAS parents tend to fill the kid's head with crap about the other parent. when the other parent tries to defend themselves and tell the kid the TRUTH, they come out looking like the idiot liars. Watch out....

That she was nervous and thought she was in trouble. Even though she is ten, and even if she thinks at a 10 year old's capacity, when a child is "Sat down" to talk it is intimidating. That's not to say it shouldn't be done, but it's probably even more intimidating with two people. Maybe you should try talking to her one on one and just asking questions in an inconspicuous manner. If she is afraid of dad for whatever reason just ask her things like "would you feel more comfortable talking to me?" Just don't make it seem like you're trying to get anyone in trouble or like she HAS to tell you anything. Maybe try drawing with her and ask her to draw something she's afraid of, then something that she likes to do, and i know it might sound silly but it can open up alot of not only comfort for her with you, but also ideas and opportunities for you to ask her "What is this?" or "This is what scares me" or things like that and you might get to see why she's so uncomfortable.

"Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege"

we could write a book couldnt we LOL. I am really shocked that SD can not remember the events that occurred with BM. It hasnt been that long ago has it. Maybe she choses to not remember or maybe BM has told her to not talk about it.

How old is old enough to explain? Thats a hard question because I think it does depend on the situation and the child. I feel I can talk to BD15 about anything but BD12 I cant. But BD12 has been through some recent tradgic events that has caused alot of friction with her dad. ANd I have been very honest with BD12 and she also is old enough to see what is taking place.

I dont bad mouth her father well maybe I have a time or time and called him a name or two, when I should not have. lol

But your BM has been very immature for years about parenting and handling things with your DH therefore causing consitant drama. I wish you luck and I pray for you.

Also Thank you for being there for me. Your the bestest!!

I wouldn't tell her yet. I think letting her know "something" happened was more than enough.

Let her know that BM should not be showing those things to her, that people say mean things when they get angry sometimes. I would try to explain why people get nasty, how to handle it or how it could be handled better next time.

Your H should be careful of his texts now---but I am sure he is now that he knows what BM is setting him up for.

Do you guys think there's ever a good time to explain to a skid about the manipulation going on with their Bioparent? I wonder about this a lot. One of my SDs is 15, she's adopted, she has tons of issues like PTSD, she's in a group home, and her mom hates her. She gets along much better with her dad and me. But last weekend, for example, DH called her at the group home to see how she was, and she refused to come to the phone, saying "We're fighting." (she and her dad). We hadn't seen her since her last home visit with her mom, and DH had no idea there was anything wrong. So we think that BM said something bad about DH (and probably me) to score points with SD15, probably so that the people at the group home would hear about it and think BM was the hero and we are awful.

BM and DH's parenting agreement says they will not speak ill of each other to either of their daughters, but we're pretty sure BM violates this regularly. So, my question is, how do you judge when explaining BM manipulation is okay, and when it's "speaking ill" of the other person?

BB

- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)

My take is, it is never our place to "explain" to the children in plain english that what their other parent does is wrong. Instead, we use those things as a learning experience. "Sometimes people get angry with each other and say things they shouldn't. Have you ever said something when you were angry that you regretted?" "Sometimes when you say something to someone, they might take it completely differently from how they intended. Have you ever said something to someone who didn't understand what you were trying to say? How did that make you feel?"

I think that now would be a good time for your DH to realize what is going on and keep all communication professional and emotionless with BM from now on. We all know that these things shouldn't be shared with a 10 year old, but if she's already doing it, you don't need to give her more ammunition.

I am in TN too and we were told that unless BM was beating SS or putting him in overt physical danger, nothing could be done about her parenting and we would never get full custody. Unfortunately our court system is so biased toward BM's that they are allowed to keep the children when every evidence points to them not being fit or capable to raise and take care of them healthfully and properly. Though I am suprised with the history of physical abuse, that custody was not taken away from your SD's BM. Maybe the courts are even more biased than I thought.

*~So sayeth Nymh~*

Talk on the phone and record your calls. We have not had written communication with BioDad in more than a decade except for specific demands or letters written by our Attorneys.

For calls you cannot record keep a Call Log that tracks dates, times, topics and comments made by you and the Blended Family opposition. The key here is to keep your cool and not let them get you to blow your top. Learn to use key wording like "When you can call me back and discuss this as a rational adult. Until then, this conversation is over" CLICK! Then write the Call Log entry in your magic court journal.

It has worked for us and has come in very handy in front of a Judge on more than one occasion. It is the difference in who the Judges believes in a He Said/She Said situation.

The Journal, court reporter minutes and taped telephone calls also help an older Skid gain clarity on the facts of the situation. "Here, read and listen for yourself and form your own opinion" is much healthier for the kid you and your marriage than "Well, do you know what your Mom/Dad said" or "That's a lie this is what was said ......."

But for absolutely sure you don't want to loose your cool in a written or verbal communication. It can come back to bite you with your (S)kids, XW/XW and with the court.

Best regards,