If you can I would try to ignore this for the ridiculousness it is. I do like your rule though and would try to go with this new rule going forward. BM is probably excited to get a rise out of you. Don't give her the satisfaction!

"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin

I know she really didn't call you Honeybeez... but you writing it that way just gave me a total pic in my head of her pouring some over the top fake sounding charm onto it.

Oh Honeybeez!

I can just hear it in my head.

Anyway... we have dilemmas of all sorts, but mostly electronic gadgets.

BM does supply SD with a ton of stupid make-up/hair products etc. I hate it b/c it's wasteful more than anything. However, I let my kids take whatever personal bathroom products to their room they want Mostly b/c SD is a slob about her stuff and the less she has in the bathroom the less she has to trash the bathroom with. SD also takes things (BD's hair stuff/barrettes/ties/no more tears soap) so I keep that in my bathroom (though SD still helps herself in there when I'm not home.

I do wish that most things the other parents buy, especially junk food BM gives SD, or inappropriate clothing AND very toxic and obnoxious perfumy crap, would stay at BMs.

OH yeah. And BM's nasty old Adidas sandles that she gave SD. I took them away not knowing who SD took them from (she has quite a collection of other people's clothing.) So SD told me she NEEDED them back b/c her mom wanted them (they were in the back of my closet for MONTHS so I was pretty sure SD just wanted them back.) So I give them to her. The next day she wears them home from school (it's WINTER.) So I ask her why they're back. "BM doesn't mind if I use them." So I tell her they need to go back there. She demands them back from me the next week to take back. I give them. Then the next day they are in her bedroom again. So

I throw them away.

I don't care if BM buys SD her own things, as long as their appropriate. But I already still live in the home BM picked out for them, I don't want to see her nasty old pool shoes in our home!

"When you take charge of your life, there is no longer need to ask permission of other people or society at large. When you ask permission, you give someone veto power over your life." ~Geoffrey F. Abert

I don't know what it is that makes BMs think they have ANY control over OUR homes!

Honeybees, I don't how long you've been married to DH, but I put my foot down with BM on day one. She's a total psycho nut case. She thinks when she says jump everyone should bow and ask how high. DH used to do that until I told him that he could chose to continue jumping at her every whim but he would do it alone. It took a bit, but he learned that he could in fact stand up to her and that guess what, the only thing that happened when she didn't get her way was to throw a temper tantrum. When it quit working with him, she moved on to me and realized that I won't even sit there and argue with her.

I've posted this comment a few times, but I think it's worth repeating. I told her and the oldest SS. This is MY house, anyone living in it or coming onto my property will go by MY rules! There's no negotiating, there's no compromise. (I tried that with her at first and she is an irrational person and a completely gross and nasty person.) I used to get so nervous when she would drop the kids off b/c I knew she would start a fight, start using profanity, and just disrupting my life in general.

I gave her ONE warning. I told her that these are the rules of my house, they are not negotiable. When the kids are here they will be expected to go by them, regardless of your wishes or wants. I also told her that if she ever steps foot on my property and starts this ridiculous behavior (she seriously acts like she should be on Jerry Springer) that I will not hesitate to call the police on her. I also told her if she starts the behavior on the times when I have to pick up the children, that I will call the police because I'm not willing to deal with her nonsense!

She found out that I was not kidding! In the last six months I've called CPS on her twice and the police once.

Guess what -- she still hates me, but she no longer sticks her nose into things that don't concern her!

And the kids have learned that they can't play one side against the other. The little ones are awesome, but the oldest one was a total nightmare! He has learned that being respectful to others is the path of least resistance and he adheres to the rules.

This is your life and your home! You have the right to have peace and to live in peace. I seriously have hung up on her, walked away from her, shut the door in her face etc. I never do it with malice or anger. I just calmly say, "You know the rules if you want to talk to me. You aren't following them, so the conversation is over." It took about 5 times of doing this and the lunatic gave up. She tries every once in a while, but she meets the same response each time. I even went as far as to email her the rules of our house and what I expect from her and the children.

I have learned one thing those, these crazy BMs delight in getting us worked up. They glory in destroying the peace in our homes. The best revenge to have on them is to not engage in their crazy making lifestyle. It seriously makes them seethe with anger. It took me a long time to realize this, but I FINALLY realized that you cannot rationalize with an irrational person.

If the kids bring crap from her I would take it, put it in a bag/box whatever and have it ready for her when she comes for a visit with them. I would tell the kids you expect them to leave the stuff she buys at her house. I have even gone as far as to make my oldest SS sign the rules paper. (He used to argue that he didn't know the rules. Now if tries to pull that card, I can just pull out the rule sheet.)

Best of luck to you! Be strong and don't let this loon control your home!

DON'T let BM control your home. Maybe you and DH should meet with her and the skids and give them all copies of the house rules at your house, and let her (and the kids) know they're non-negotiable.

I would also send her an email letting her know that if she continues to behave like this then her kids will suffer (which is unfortunate but they also know the rules too), and tell her that because she's their mom and loves them, you know she doesn't want that. Also remind her that you and DH don't try to control what goes on in her home, so she needs to stop trying to control what goes on in yours.

You might want to consider doing skid pickups/dropoffs at a neutral place so then maybe she won't be as tempted to try to weasel stuff into your house.

The more I tried to control what BM sent here with SD (inappropriate clothes, gadgets, BM's own stuff) the more it got to me and was occupying my mind. I just wanted to say LEAVE the stuff you buy her at YOUR house! But BM and SD are both oppositional people. So the more we sent back, the more she sent/bought/encouraged.

So I started throwing away things I had asked SD not to have here. SD gets peeved. But I tell HER DH and my house our rules. BM can try to help SD break them all she wants. BM doesn't live here. But SD breaks them, and rationalizes we can't dispose of something b/c it's BM's or BM bought it? Then we simply say yes we can b/c we told you ahead of time to stop bringing it here. We don't address any of it through BM anymore b/c she was somewhat thriving on an opportunity to accuse me of needing therapy for my obsessions with SD's "underwear."

Ummm....BM? THEY WERE YOUR LINGERIE I FOUND IN MY LAUNDRY! No sane exW sends her own underwear (that were larger than mine and obviously outgrown by BM and handed down to SD) TO HER EX'S HOUSE!!!!

Anyway, we just address it through SD now. Hate to tell SD too, but when she earns her own money and tries to by trashy revealing clothes? We can STILL throw them away!

"When you take charge of your life, there is no longer need to ask permission of other people or society at large. When you ask permission, you give someone veto power over your life." ~Geoffrey F. Abert

don't let BM control YOUR house. That is a phrase that I repeat over and over again to my SD. We only have her wed and EOW but that does not mean BM gets to make the rules in our home. I tell SD "this is my house, not your moms--if she doesn't like it I really don't care"

My SDs BM would also tell SD to put things in certain places, after my son was born. I run my house, it will go where I tell her to put it--if she doesn't like it take it back to BMs.

BMs always say that we treat our kids great and skids differently. But why do they go out of their way to try and make the kids feel different from one another?

After the sadness my BS2 felt when SD got a v-day gift delivered to her I won't even let BM do this kind of stuff on holidays--they can wait till their custody time--in thier own home.