Hi All,

Any feedback on this you feel like giving would be appreciated.

My SO of 4-1/2 years has a BS11 who lives with BM and we see him EOW. Also SS17 living with BM (not SO's bio-kid) who we see often too.
BM had SS11 put on ADHD drugs a few years ago, even though we had not seen any need for it and he seemed like a normal energetic kid.

BM & her new husband of 3-1/2 years are both working from 6am-6pm Monday thru Saturday, have been on that schedule for the entire last school year and it is not likely to change in the near future (1-2 years). SS11 is being left at home during the time they are gone.
SS17 works almost full-time and is not at home much, so SS11 is unsupervised for most of the week.

BM has a very long history of not disciplining the kids - or waffling / backing down and they know she is inconsistent.
Her new husband does not parent the kids either, deferring all to her. She coddles SS11 and greatly ignores/resents SS17.

In the last couple of months, SS11 behavior has been escalating.... and I am getting worried that it is only a matter of time before he hurts himself or someone else. He has done damage to BM's house (melting the tips of Nerf gun darts with a lighter & shooting them at the walls of the dining room & living room - damage to the point that the walls need to be re-surfaced & re-painted, for example). He has repeatedly stolen money from SS17's room - taking $30 and walking almost a mile out of BM's neighborhood on a busy highway to buy candy at a convenience store).

SS17 texted my SO on Thursday morning to report that he had been woken up by the sound of the smoke alarms going off and discovered SS11 lighting papers on fire in his room! When SO texted me to tell me about an hour later, it was all I could do to keep my hand off the phone from calling CPS to report BM for neglect for the amount of time SS11 is being left unsupervised. My own son, who is now 21, was never left alone for more than an hour at that age, and he wasn't ADHD. I do not respect BM or her lack of interest in parenting.

BM then calls my SO, asking him to be the heavy and to punish SS11 - which makes no sense since SS11 does not live with us and BM does not enforce ANY punishments anyway. SO told her that she & new hubby needed to step up and figure out how to parent before the house ends up being burned down or SS11 hurts himself badly. BM goes into self-pity mode "Well, it's really hard to enforce punishments when we aren't here!" That infuriates me. BM & new hubby are working 6 days a week for a government agency and are collecting lots of overtime, plus getting nearly $1000 from my SO in CS monthly for the two kids. SS11 should be in some kind of day camp or at the very least there should be a hired babysitter at the house so that he is not left on his own. They also have several extended family members who could assist, but BM does what she wants, then cries pity-me when something happens.

SS17 stopped by our house the day after the fire incident, and said that SS11 lied to BM telling her that he had started the fire with "flint rocks" that he had brought home from an outing with us the weekend before. BM believed SS11 and called my SO to imply that it was OUR fault that SS11 had started the fire. When challenged, BM then claimed that SS11 did it because "he didn't take his medication" (her 2nd favorite excuse) - and WHY had he not taken his medication? Because SHE doesn't make him - even before she goes to work.

SS17 said that when he asked SS11 to show him how he had made fire with the rocks, he couldn't...and it made marks, that were not on the area of the fire. SS17 then went to the "secret" drawer in BM's bedroom where the only lighter in the house is, and even though he knew it had been purchased in the last 2 weeks and not used more than 1*2 times, it was nearly empty. We told SS17 to tell BM as soon as he got home & show her the lighter. SS17 then said that he had seen SS11 with another bag of candy and then went to his own room and discovered another $20 missing from his savings. He confronted SS11, who denied taking it.

Sorry for the length of this post!

I'd like to get opinions - is this enough for CPS to get involved? BM is obviously neglecting SS11 by leaving him unsupervised so much, and he is acting out in more & more dangerous ways. We don't know if it is the ADHD or just a HUGE cry for someone to give him some attention, but BM will not listen to us or let us help (other than tell SS11 "No" by phone). We do not have any issues with SS11 when he is here on our weekend visitations, it seems to be something about being at home that he cannot handle.

I feel like I am a 3rd wheel in this. Not my kids, not my decision to make how it is handled.
It's just hard watching this escalate when I care so much about both SS's.

Thanks in advance.

Update: 08/18/13

My SO just informed me that he called CPS & initiated a report yesterday (Saturday).

He had mulled it over since Thursday when the latest incident happened and decided that there is an increasing pattern of neglect and behavior that warranted at least a report being made. Speaking to BM has not worked in the past as she believes that it is her right and hers alone to make all decisions regarding the children, so he knew that calling her would bring about no changes if coming from him.

He did not take this lightly and his (and my) priority all along has been the safety & well-being of each of our kids. We are not trying to take custody away, nor do we intend to start any process to do so. If the result of the CPS investigation or follow-up ends up with CPS (or even BM) suggesting that either SS resides with us, we are open to it and can provide a much more stable & safe environment than BM is interested or able to provide for them.

So now we sit & wait....