New blogger
I have my DH and SS11 and SS13 and I have no children of my own. I have been living 1 week on 1 week off with these boys for the last 5 years. I have done everything with these boys from being my SS13 catcher for pitching practice(caught him so much my right arm actually dropped out of the socket), to school(been on fieldtrips, volunteering in class, reading with them) to social (taught my SS13 how to slow dance, stayed up with both of them when they had nightmares, ). Their BM does take care of roof over the head and feeding them but is lousy at parenting. Anyway my reason for wanting to vent is that my DH and I have been recently trying to get SS13 to do his homework. He has 15 missing assignments an F in History and C- in pretty much everything else except PE(A) and ART(B). He is reading at a 4th/5th grade level and refuses to do any reading. This is a child who was in honor roll in 6th Grade. My DH tried to call BM and ask for help to enforce him doing his work and her response was "He doesn't like to read and he doesn't like history." Also SS13 asked for a new bed for Christmas so we got him a brand new Pillow Top Double. He slept on it for one night and said he couldn't sleep he had nightmares so as of this last Monday SS13 has decided he is going to stay at BM's house during the week and only come see us on the weekends. SS13 never sat down and had a discussion with DH about and is telling BM that he is too scared to talk to DH even though DH never even raises his voice to his kids. DH is very mild mannered I am by far the loud mouth in the relationship. Any way I text my SS13 twice the day this was happening to tell him I love him and hoped he would change his mind and SS13 texted DH that he was pissed because I was trying to get him to change his mind. I am so angry and hurt and worried about him I want to scream. I am going to step back I just don't know how far. I can't call SS13 on the way he is acting because that will only drive him away but I am worried his is going to really start slacking now that he is staying at BM's house. Also SS11 is still choosing to stay with 1 week on 1 week off but I don't know how long that is going to last as I know he misses his big brother. I am not even sure we should let him do that. My DH is literally home sick from worrying he is losing SS13 as this is just the culmination of a lot of lying and being sneaky lately about school and social things. Any advice would be appreciated.
- tooyoungforthis's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Wait, let me get this straight...
Your SSs reason for NOT wanting to stay with you and your DH for the usual custody implementation of one week on/one week off is because he "doesn't like his new bed"?
And your DH is letting him get away with that crap?
I would say...tough beans, little BOY!!!
You are the CHILD. The custody agreement says you are with your father one week on- and one week off. PERIOD. And that is how it is going to stay.
He is clearly letting the "bed" be the excuse for something bigger here- like his falling grades. And your DH is letting him get away with it. He's 13 and he's clearly manipulating the situation...and obviously, doing a very good job at it.
At mom's house, it sounds like there's no rules, no homework. All fun. Who WOULDN'T want to be there ALL WEEK?
Your DH has to put his foot down and BE A PARENT!
Here we go again! Another dad with no backbone...
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
How do we...
Question how do we get him to come over when BM is trying to convince him to stay with her and holing him up in the house. We haven't done a police intervention for 4 years when she tried to keep the Skids on Valentines day saying that was a legal national holiday. I know my DH doesn't want to have to do that again. When DH went to pick SS13 up he wouldn't come out of the house and he won't answer his cell phone thus why we are texting him.
BM games
Obviously she's playing the games and there's a fair amount of PAS going on. If your DH has a legal custody agreement of the one week on/one week off and she is "convincing him to stay", she is basically violating the order and is in contempt.
Police intervention may be just what is necessary at this time. The beginning of the teen years are especially tricky and he's going to be very vulnerable to the mind-games and manipulation of BM at this point, which is why YOUR home and the stability it offers is even more important for your SS at this point!
I would not let your DH stand back and let his ex screw with his kids, especially when SSs grades are plummeting. He has too much to lose.
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
He must be at that age.
13 is a difficult age... and it'll only get harder...
Perhaps he feels that doing homework is uncool. Perhaps he is having serious problems understanding the material... it's really hard to understand until you talk to him. Problem is... half the time they don't want to talk.
I would probably stop trying to text him... I love to text... but when it's something as serious as this, you should talk to him face to face... and not just by yourself. You, DH, SS13, and even SS11 should sit down and talk it out... miscommunication will always be the enemy in families and marriages.
Let us know how things turn out... *hugs* good luck... and welcome!
I agree
with 5teens and secondwife. He is pulling typical teen crap and DH is in the best position to deal with it. Maybe talk to his school counselor? If he refuses to talk at home or at his BMs, maybe you could call him in for a meeting at school.
I agree with those above
He needs to keep coming to your house for his scheduled visitation. The new bed? Ridiculous reasoning. I would give SS 11 the new fancy bed and give SS 13 an old one.
And I would tell BM if she doesn't encourage him to come to your house, you will be back in court of PAS.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
I don't think she even needs to encourage him.
She (BM) DOES need to stop the PAS and tell both boys they have to go. We've gone down the police intervention route. It's not pretty. It affects the kids deeply. They'll remember it forever. It tore DH up to know that his kids would have to see their mother be arrested. But DH had to do it to enforce the court order, and he used it to help convince the judge that he should have custody. DH also accused BM of PAS in court and drew up the failing grades and discipline reports of the SDs in school and all the documentation he had of the times BM violated the court order. BM lost custody. I think that unless there is something really wrong going on at the non-custodial parent's home, the kids need to go and should be made to go even if they don't want to. DH had to force the SDs to come here EOW. Sometimes he had to drive to BMs and physically put them in the car. I was never there when that happened but I know it wasn't pretty. Kids need to know that the adults run the show, not them. My SDs have finally figured that out. I dreaded those weekends, but I knew he had to follow the court order and I knew it was in the best interest of the kids. I would also recommend counseling for her SS, because it can help "un-poison" the kids against their dad.
Well - first off welcome!
Your SS13 is obviously calling the shots here with his BM encouraging him every step of the way. I think he needs the shit scared out of him and if the visitation schedule says one week on one week with BM then your DH needs to grow a backbone and call the cops and have that kid brought back to your house pronto - let him sit in back of a cop car and see how he feels. If SS13 doesn't like it - you know what too bad - if your DH does not put his foot down now he is going to LOSE HIS SON. And by that I mean he will have a child that will be calling the shots vs him being a PARENT and being in charge. Your SS11 will then follow shortly. He doesn't like the bed -that is the biggest bunch of baloney I have ever heard - he is using that as an excuse not to be at your house because he does not want to own up to the fact that he is failing in school and your DH is going to call him out on it so he is going to avoid you guys at all costs. Good luck and please let us know what happens.
Call the Police and go collect the kid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A court order is a court order and a visitation judgement is a court order.
Let BM know that you are on the way over with the Sheriff and if she does not relinquish the kid per the judgement you will file kidnapping charges.
I would not put up the the crap you are seeing for a second if I was you DH.
As for the SS's grades....... LET HIM FAIL! if he is the oldest guy in his class next year they he will learn something.
BTW, we had exactly the same school performance issues with my SS (now 16) and his butt is now in Military School! I suggested it two years ago and my Wife was hesitant. After his 10th grade year even Mom had had enough of his lying and non performance in school and that was that.
Good luck and best regards,