I showed my hand - a royal flush
Well, my holiday was bliss. That is because SD8 went to see her mom for the holidays. Yeah! So, now she is back, and I had a good outlook on life and was actually pretty cool for the first week, up until this weekend when the sh$t hit the fan. I guess I only have a week tolerance.
SD8 bascially all of a sudden had a breakdown and sat and told her dad how much I'm preventing her from playing with her half sister now 7 months. She also preceded in telling him that I was mean, and she didn't know how to talk to me.
Anyone knows that the door is always open when it comes to me. Now if you use it, is up to you.
Bascially after DH got upset and asked me and her to come in the room today and duke it out. After she stated her case, I basically told her what the problem actually was: she is constantly sick, and I won't allow her to be touching a baby when she is always sick, also she never wants to do her homework in time to have freetime, so that means, no other playtime, and also that I'm my daughters provider and will alwasy be there watching, you will never have unsupervised time.
Thinking that that would be enough for her to BACK OFF, she pushed me...so then I told her. In kinder words that "you lie, you cheat, you steal, you do not do your chores, and you are not being a great example for your sister - quite frankly, I'm not so happy with having her hang with you because of the fact that you are not trying hard to be a good person, you have a lot to work on".
With that said. Did I say to much. I was emotional, and I never want to give out to much for her to run to BM with for ammo. But I was tired of it and I showed her my cards. I really feel that her all of a sudden attachment to her half sister is a coverup for what the issue really is - her living with her mom. She just needs a scapegoat for the feelings that she is really having. I never ever tell her she can't talk to my daughter or to me, but she chooses to. Everytime we tell her to call her mom, she chooses not to - so there is a lot here - - not just her playing with a 7 mo old. Geez...
To my suprise or lack there of, after that she said she wanted to go live with her mom, and that her mom said that every little girl needs to live with their mom.
I wish I could just sign on the dotted line and have them come and take her - but me and DH signed up for the long haul. So if that means the drama and the exhaustion from her never being happy with life, so be it.
Trying to stay positive in 2009, but right now I'm a little behind.
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Hang in there...it will get better
SDs feelings are complicated and it might take a professional child counselor to help all of you (including her) work them out and get to the root of the problem.
We had similar issues with both of my SDs during the first year and a half they lived here. They wanted to go live with their mom again. When we couldn't take them to see their mom aside from their EOW with her, we offered to call her for them and put them on the phone, and they refused. I don't have children of my own, but I'm very close with my mom, and looking back, I think the SDs got jealous because they saw my mom and me interact and saw how a mother is supposed to show her daughter love, and their mother wasn't doing that for them.
The SDs are doing much better today but it took a professional child psychologist to help us all (including them) to get to the root of the problem and find healthy ways of dealing with it. There were definitely days when I just wanted to leave DH and throw in the towel. But like you, DH and I signed up for the long haul. The only advice I can give is to hang in there and get counseling for SD.
Hopefully
We are also thinking of doing counseling, but have to find the resources to actually do it. I'm sure it will help her out.
Groove, I learned a long time ago
that you shouldn't give a shit what SD, DH, or anyone else thinks of your rules with your baby! My BD was a preemie, only 4 lbs. I didn't let anyone, other than DH, touch her without me making sure they showered first. My own son, my DH's daughters, everyone. That's just the way it was. DH supported me in it. And to this day I will tell her what she can and can't do with my child. If she doesn't like it and runs back to Beast Bitch with it, who cares? Not you and certainly not your DH. She has no place in your home, especially telling you what you are and aren't allowed to do with your daughter. TO bad, SO sad.
My SD fussed and cried to DH, saying daddy you don't get it. That's your baby to and SHE'S MY SISTER. I should be able to hold her if and when I want to. To which DH replied, yes she is your sister, but she's JEN's DAUGHTER!!!!!!!! You have no say in this matter.
Stay positive, stay tough. You're her mom. Bottom Line.
Interesting...
According to your comment, by the same token, none of us should be upset about the rules that BM makes for the step-kids, right? "Yes, they are your step-children, but I'M THEIR MOM. Bottom line."
Who owns who, anyways?
My DH says that to her all of the time
He says that "That's her daughter, and my daughter and these are the rules". So, its great that me and DH are on the same page. Thanks for your reply. I am her mom and need to feel confident that I'm doing the right thing.
your kid=your rules
I don't have any children of my own, but my SDs used to be a lot like yours, and if I had babies when they (the SDs) were really bad, there's no way I would have let them touch my baby without me present. They had real behavioral problems at the time and were very violent.
But I think they were acting this way because they weren't taught how to express their feelings in a healthier way. They didn't have any boundaries. Seeing other mothers & daughters interact- my mom and me, their friends and their moms, DH's mom and his sisters, etc. helped them to see what REAL good moms do for their kids, and they started to realize they didn't have that. That was and is a very painful realization for them. Maybe your SD sees that with you and your daughter.
Counseling for the SDs was my lifesaver. I was seriously contemplating leaving DH. I couldn't handle the drama of the lousy BM and the SDs until DH put his foot down and put the kids in counseling. The counselor (who is an angel in disguise) got to the root of the problem with my SDs and maybe there are some underlying issues that counseling could address for your SD.
Her BM is not there at all
So, I can see how that would be painful for her to watch me and my BD's relationship grow strong. However, she did have a relationship with her BM in the begining as well. Also, I do try to spend time with her, but that ends up being no time at all when all you do is lie, cheat, steal, and lie and are on punishment all of the time....it gets to be ridiculous.
You hit it!
"She just needs a scapegoat for the feelings that she is really having."
Thats it. My SD9 does the same thing, when BM or my H does something she doesn't like she attacks me.