I'm being alienated.
Well now, after discussing issues with my SD8, hoping that everyone cleared the air on the expectations in the home and outside of the home with other family members, my SD8 continues to act the same. More specifically, SD8 proceeds to only talk DH on the way home from school. SD8 by DH's explanation is chatty telling him about everything that went down in school talking his ear off. As soon as they hit the house, she retreats. SD8 only says hello to me, and after that either takes her gameboy in the other room, or just sits on the couch watching t.v talking to herself or saying nothing. She says nothing to my BD 7mo. and she doesn't hold a conversation with me. SD8 only talks to her dad then if she needs to about homework, or to ask if she can do something, she'll approach her dad.
On the flipside, when I have to go out of town, SD8 always talks in and out of the home - she also tries to hold conversations with BD 7mo. what's missing in the equation? - ME.
With that said. I'll be damned if she try to make this about her, and not attempt to talk to me and alienate me out of her life. If she is going to do it to me - do it to my daughter to. I won't tolerate it. Now, DH did allow her to talk with my BD in once instance but he promised that he would not let her again, until she is capable of having conversations with all members of the family. I do not want my BD to be raised thinking ohh my sister only talks to dad, and not mom - what's up with that? Or maybe I should only talk to dad because my sister does....that won't fly. So, I'm off to continue to keep it strong and continue to let her know how it is going to work. Talk to everyone decently and respectfully and involve everyone - or talk to noone.
I'm open to comments. Am I too wrong for my feelings?
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I don't think you're wrong
I think he needs to make her at the very least make small talk with you when she gets home for a set amount of time. Say, 5 minutes. This is what my SDs therapist recommended in regards to them acknowledging me. If they don't acknowledge you, then there's a consequence. In your SD's case, it could be not talking to your daughter for the rest of the day, or that her gameboy is taken away until she can politely acknowledge you. Same goes for if she just says a quick hi then tries to bolt out or talks rudely. Your DH could give her some ideas of what to say, like "how was your day," "how is my sister," "did you have a good day," etc. and give her some examples of the civilized, polite tone of voice he expects her to use when talking to you.
I still say though, she sounds like she could use some counseling.
I would feel the same
Even though my 3 stepsons do not avoid me to this extent but there are times when they will exclude me and it's straight for dad. It's very upsetting and hurtful, you are definatley not wrong to be feeling like this.
I hope your stagteries work to fix this for you.
Let me know how you go.
Stupid IS genetic
When I would pick up my SS3, he would not talk to me in the car- 30min drive. When we would get home, he would go into his room and play until his dad got home. My husband bascially put the hammer down when I told him that no child 3 or 20 was going to run this house, he agreed and told my SS3 to stop being disrespectful. Your husband needs to step up to the plate and support you or your marriage in going to be in trouble.
"What you do to children; they will do to society." ~Karl Menninger
my question is why?
Why does this happen? Is it jealousy on the child's behalf OR on the BM's behalf? I'm sure it varies from situation to situation, but I wonder how often it's BM poisoning the kids against us? (By either saying nasty things about us or by putting a guilt trip on the kids, saying how hurt they'll be if they treat us nicely.) I'd like comments on this!
When I first started seeing my husband, the kids both really liked me. But after we got married, it started to change. With FSD11, though, not SD8. In our case it could be as simple as FSD11 feeling like she no longer belonged with us because she's not my husband's kid. But we did everything to let her know that this wasn't the case. Then over the last year, FSD11 pretty much ignored me. When she did talk to me, it was always comparing me to her mom or bragging about something her mom did. It became obvious that she was trying to freeze me out. SD8, however, continued to be happy & treat me the same as she always had. (And I hope that never changes!!!) We're 99% sure that BM poisoned FSD11 against me because this didn't start until after BM & I had an argument (I called her on a few issues & she was pissed about it. I didn't say anything that wasn't true; she just doesn't like hearing that someone has a problem with her selfish behavior.). In our case, we eventually had to have FSD11 stay with BM full-time. (Her freezing me out started to extend to freezing out my husband, my family, my husband's family, the daycare provider, etc. BM has even been trying for years to make FSD11 freeze out her BF. My husband KNOWS this from first-hand accounts.) BM is definitely trying to have FSD11 all to herself...emotionally, anyway. BM has made it clear that she doesn't want FSD11 living with her full-time because she needs her social life. Well then maybe BM shouldn't have done this to everyone! It's her own fault.
In your situation, I can only imagine how awful it is. I'll have to read some of your other posts because my question is if you know why SD is doing this to you. Sometimes I *wish* that my SD8 would leave me alone, but this would be an extreme! It's no way to live.
I HATE when my SDs do that
Call MY CELL, looking for their father. Ok, they've already called our house phone and didn't leave a message. They've called HIS phone and didn't leave a message. Obviously, HE'S BUSY Dumba$$es!!!
But instead of leaving a message (like NORMAL people), they'll just keep calling. And it's never important- they just want to talk to DADDY. So then they resort to calling my cell.
And sometimes, he'll be with me, but sometimes, he's in a business meeting or just plain old BUSY and doesn't WANT to talk to them.
And one time, he was with me (we were out having dinner), and they called my phone. And I answered it...
SD: "Is my dad there?"
5teens: "No, he's out on a date with his 'girlfriend'. Did you try his cell phone?"
SD16: (STUNNED SILENCE and then) "Ummmmmm.....Yes?"
5teens: "Well, is there an emergency?"
SD16: "Ummmmm.....No."
5teens: "Ok. I'll tell him you called. Bye."
She totally didn't get it. Maybe she ran and told her BM that he was out on a "date" with another woman! DH and I just laughed!
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
Thanks
I just changed it yesterday. Didn't think anyone would even notice
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
She keeps retreating
Yeah, we continue to talk to her about how she is acting, and she'll try for one day, but then resort back to her ways after that. Its really wierd because you wouldn't think she would be so smart as to act that way. But she does. I must say, that I'm not the "fake it to make it" stepmother. I just can't. But I always treat everyone with respect - but she knows if something pisses me off. Squeegie, I don't know why the little ones do it - they ultimately think that their destiny has been destroyed by you, so they feel as though if they don't talk to you they won't fall to "like" you or that you'll send them back to mommy packin'. Although I would like to do the latter option - I'm actually sticking around until she just does something that makes me send her home on a Greyhound lol...Biomom, I'm sure that she'll come around.......when she is 30. Until then, yeah - I'll stay consistent. You are right, she probalbly does find the fact that she has another sister - she is jealous or something, but we have assured her and assured her - yes, we've done one-on-one time with no thankfulness in return. I've taken her to see the High School Musical Play and - she did not say thank you, just wondered if her dad was coming - I even arranged for her to see it with a few other of her friends and their moms. So, that is the last time that I'm spending $80 a ticket on her ungrateful behind. Dealin with drama - I agree there is only one woman in my house - and no kids rule nothin'.
Groove
I think you are smart to not cater to this behavior. It is intended as and is, disrespectful to you as her elder, not to mention her dad's wife. It is a sort of power play to show YOU who is boss in your house, and in my opinion, the boss should be an adult!!
I would try to use 'behavioral' training, where you reward the behavior you want, and make certain NOT to reward the kind you don't, consistently. Your DH needs to enforce this with his child!!
And then to me doing your part would be to act completely gracious when she does behave and like you don't notice her when she doesn't.
Good luck I hope this works out but you must address it now or it will only get worse!! trust me honey! ha ha
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
They were never married
My husband had a short dysfunctional relationship with her BM, and never married.