How do you get over the anger??
It's been a long time since I've posted. I lurk occasionally to see what is up with everyone. My SD ran away last March or April after DH and I reunited and her drug/alcohol abuse was uncovered. The counselor said she tested one step below drug addiction... Her BM ended up moving to our town (her job let her work remotely) to get SD through school. DH was sure she was going to come back and we have maintained her room and car insurance all these months... even though she couldn't drive after he found out she was drinking and driving. So, I finally cleaned out her room this last week - I couldn't stand having this memorial room... and also brought up the point that if she did move in, she needed to start over. DH finally felt it was time. She hasn't called him once all summer - just a quick call on Father's Day and when she needed some stuff out of her room. He hasn't called her either though. His birthday is tomorrow - we'll see what happens.
While cleaning out the room, I found two bags of narcotics - hydrocodone, oxycodone, and some other blue pill called Balacet - another narcotic. Two bags!! I felt sad and angry and disgusted. She really had a pretty darn good life with people who loved her and THIS is where she decided to go! After raising her for 9 years, it is hard to imagine the hatred she has/had for me. As my dad used to say, "no good deed goes unpunished."
Anyway, life has been pretty darn peaceful around here except I haven't been able to get over this anger towards her. DH won't even say a word about her ever - it's like she has just vanished from our lives. I know the hurt was deep and it really ticks me off that she has just quit contact with her dad. She's gone, but the awful part of her is still here through this anger. When I see her friends or their parents, I just feel pissed. I'm going to paint the room and get rid of anything remotely related to her in there, but how long does this take? Any ideas stepparent's out there? Any similar experiences?
If I had this to do over again, I would run so fast, I'd look like a cartoon roadrunner! She was great as a kid, it's the teenager that has been a holy terror. Of course, she is telling anyone who will listen that her life has been terrible ever since she stepped foot in our house. So, thanks for understanding. This site is so good to just get it out. Thanks for a place to vent.
Hope the weekend goes well for all.
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Comments
I understand where you are
I understand where you are coming from. To hear my sd tell it, her life was miserable in our home. She had more than I ever had when I was her age. She was great before she was a teenager. Than she became a holy terror too. I was able to get to a point where I forgave her for what she did. However, things have come to a point now where she is holding the past against me again and I am not going to apologize for what she created. I guess I've reached a point where my "give a damn is busted"!!!! I don't feel anger towards her. I just don't care anymore. I don't know if that helps you or not, but I think eventually the anger does go away. Be grateful that you don't have to deal with her at all!!!! I wish I could be you!
Thanks
Thanks for those words. It's hard to imagine it could be like this, isn't it? They are pissed off because their mom & dad split and it really goes into full-fledged misplaced anger in their teens. All I've tried to do is take care of her and love her and I am the most evil person in the universe now. Of course, as part of taking care of and loving her - I busted her. Being a teenage drug abuser is a rough start in life. I'm glad to hear you got over your anger. It is not how I want to live. And I don't have to deal with her for a while - at least who she is now. Do you think they will ever get a clue? Maybe when they have their own kids or become a stepparent or something. I adore my stepmom now.
I've been pissed since March...
I don't know how long it takes...I know it's not healthy to be this angry at something you can't control...it's hard. i don't have a good answer
Roslin..
My SD has been gone now since Jan 22. I am glad, don't get me wrong..with all of the crap that she put us and our kids..I do feel guilt in my part that I participated in, but they do need to grow up. Sometimes they just need to hit rock bottom, to find out what life is all about. I hate the aftermess that is left for us to deal with.
Remember, that your DH while is probably hurting, he is hurting in a different manner that us women feel. Most men are black/white..that's what my DH said...
I also cleared her room....Since it is upstairs, I don't have a constant daily reminder that it is empty. I agree with you to change it up. She will never live with us again..Fool me one shame on you....Since I was made the fool the second time...Well, That was it.
I continually find myself questioning my actions...but everything to date has been nothing but validation. Keep your chin up....
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!
She's Back...
It has been nearly a year since I posted last. A peaceful, calm year for the most part. SD18 moved in with her mom in April '08 after we busted her for drug & alcohol abuse, drinking and driving, parties at the house when we weren't home, etc. She left saying she didn't want to live with us anymore or have anything to do with the family because "she doesn't like to be judged." Her mom actually moved to our town and worked remotely so SD could finish high school here. She graduated and her mom moved back to Idaho. Now she's back on the scene and separating the family again. I've lost 45 pounds since she left, my health improved, and my relationship with DH definitely improved as has my relationship with SS and DIL. She's been back in contact for two weeks with everyone in the family but me, and I'm falling into all my old stress patterns - overeating, I've been sick for 10 days and DH and I are already arguing.
The family managed to miss her high school graduation the weekend before last and decided to have a dinner for her as a "do over." DH went for a hike with her yesterday and on the way home called to say, with her in the car, that it was better if I didn't come. Someone wise said it is fruitless to be angry at something I can't control. True. But I am hurt and angry that she decides to be part of the family again and it means divide and conquer. I never intended for her to be out of our lives completely, but she left and I am an easy target for her blame. I don't think I can deal with this again. I'm trying to be an adult about it and I do want her to have a relationship with her family, but why is it always on her terms? She is the kid. Can't DH grow a pair and be a parent instead of her friend?
Any advice, experiences, admonishments, etc. are welcome. It is all fresh and I feel raw and hurt and angry all over again. I raised her since she was 9 and we actually had a decent relationship for many years. It's hard to imagine she can hate me so much now.
Roselin, I know this was a
Roselin, I know this was a long time ago but I'm wondering how you are. You were very kind in a post to my blog.