Fedup3 is beyond fed up now!
Get ready for a long one because I'm about to blow! I haven't been on the site in a while because we were moving. Now that it's all said & done, it looks like I might be moving again...WITHOUT my husband and SD.
I've had it. PLEASE...if anyone out there has been to this point PLEASE let me know how you handled it because I'm really just ready to walk out the door with my 3-year old daughter and leave my husband & SD once and for all.
Long story short...whenever SD gets a bug up her butt, she decides she wants to live with the other parent. Her birth parents have allowed this to go on for the past 3 years or so. Most recently was last Christmas when she called daddy crying, saying that she wanted to live with us again because she couldn't stand it at her mom's house any more (Step Dad is abusive, but not physically, with my SD).
So we laid out the rules, which my husband stopped enforcing after week #2. We are now $8000 in the hole with lawyer bills. Her mother makes no effort to see her & has basically disowned her. My husband uses every excuse in the book for SD. No matter what she does wrong, Daddy comes to the rescue with an excuse.
I'm tired of being the fall guy for everything that's wrong in his life. I'm tired of being the one that SD projects her feelings of hatred towards her mother & step dad onto. Basically I'm tired of being shit on. I have begged & pleaded with my husband to stand by me and explain to SD that she must respect me. She is 13 years old. She knows better. When I ask this of him I get "you need to earn her respect." I'm sorry, did I hear that right?? Since WHEN does a 33 year old adult need to EARN the respect of a 13 year old smart-mouth brat?? In my book, NEVER.
SD has said things like "since when does SHE get to make rules?" She said it in front of me and all he said to her was "YO", as in "that's enough". YO? YO? That's all he could think of to tell her? If that were my kid there would be no doubt in her mind that she does not EVER question EITHER parents' authority. She loves to blatantly tell me "NO", especially in front of her friends. Such was the case yesterday that resulted in me telling her friend to go home. My husband does not want to be involved in any of these situations between SD and me, yet he does absolutely nothing to help me out with her. I've flat out asked for his help and he still insists that I need to earn her respect. And while all this goes on, my 3-year old sits there and observes it, soaking it up like the little sponge that she is. Now I have HER constantly telling me "NO". I realize three year olds do that, but lately it's happening all the time!
Keep in mind, I've been with my husband and SD since she was still 2 - just about to turn 3. So it's not like I'm new to this situation. I've been there through thick and thin. I sat on the bench in court BEFORE we were married to help him get custody of her when she was 5 years old. I've paid bills that were her mother's responsibility. I've done everything for my husband and SD and what do I get for it? SHIT ON!
So that's why I'm done. We started marriage counseling last week & I'm willing to go more, but he is just so stubborn I really don't know if he will ever meet me half way on this.
Any advice, before I have a nervous breakdown???
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Comments
Oh...my....God...
Your DH needs to lay down some hard core rules...and ENFORCE them! You don't need to earn her respect! You DESERVE her respect. I'm wondering if maybe her stepfather ISN'T abusive?! Is she telling you that or do you have proof of that? Kids who come from married parents do NOT have the choice to go back and forth. My SDs would do this too -- when everything didn't go perfectly at one house, they would pack up and leave. This behavior led to problem with roommates in college, etc. They never were forced to resolve problems in a calm, respectable manner. GOOD LUCK!
Yes,
SF is abusive. He used to be physically abusive to her when she was little, which is how we got custody in the first place. Now he's more mentally abusive and he's a hot-head. We've all seen him in action, so there's no doubt in my mind. However, SD has lied and manipulated so much that now I wonder exactly what is and isn't true about things that she told us had gone on at her mom's house.
You're DAMN right...I DESERVE her respect. And actually, I DESERVE my husban's respect!
I have no advice but wanted
I have no advice but wanted to send you a hug.. I am not sure where you live, but if you need help, and I am close.. let me know.
Also, if you need someone to talk to, pm me, and I will send you my phone number.
Again, hugs to you.
Thanks for the hug!
I'm close but not close enough - in PA. It's really sad that my husband can't see that I could use a hug. All he cares about is me "earning" respect. It makes me sick.
SD
I also had SD that wanted to move in and out. I got that stopped when I told her I didn't care where she lived, but if she moved to her moms house she had to stay there for 1 year before she could come back. As far as earning her respect it would be a cold day in hell before I entertained that idea.
I'm to the point
of telling both of them that she can live wherever the hell she wants but the next time she leaves she's gone for good. And I've NEVER been that kind of person with her. But she has pushed me way beyond the threshold of what I'm willing to tolerate. And he's worse for allowing it.
Respect...
Isn't that a two-way street? If you have to earn her respect then shouldn't she have to earn yours? What would your DH say to that?
Lots of luck,
-M
fedup3, Boy that sounds
fedup3,
Boy that sounds really frustrating; sorry to hear of your situation. I am considering living separately from my dh right now, just because I'm not comfortable living with his kids. They are not horrible, just not many boundaries set, and it's totally different from how I've raised my BD. My husband doesn't want to set boundaries, he thinks he can just talk to them....but they don't listen to him. My SD17 rolls in between midnight and 2 or so in the a.m. and there are no consequences. She is traveling from her boyfriend's about 20-30 minutes away and it makes me really nervous something could happen to her (besides the fact that she smokes pot with this boyfriend regularly). My dh wants to keep talking to her and said he won't punish her (I suggested taking her car keys away for only a day or two, he said he'd never do that). Ugh. Again, sorry for your situation....you need to honor your marriage, but you need to honor yourself and not put your or your BD's needs ahead of your husbands.
The respect thing...
As an adult, you do NOT have to earn her respect. You are the adult, it's your home. Your home, your rules. What the hell is your DH thinking? What a slap in the face.
Steve, I was hoping you would respond
I've been reading some of your posts & it seems like we're probably around the same age & grew up with the same values (I grew up here in PA). I'm also glad to have a guy's point of view on this. I'm with you 100% and your points are the exact points I've been trying to make with DH.
These freakin' kids today think that they can do or say whatever the hell they want because society has (somewhere along the way) taught them that their parents can't discipline them any more. And God forbid we lay a hand on them. I got spanked as a kid (not all that often, but when I was bad enough that I deserved it), and I'm not scarred for life! And all of these divorced parents keep making excuse after excuse for their kids & the situation they've been put in, which makes it even worse. It's just downright scary to me.
Well, the 3 of us sat down last night & hashed it out - hopefully. SD is willing to separate the feelings she has towards her SF from me and try to think before she speaks. I guess time will tell. The problem is that there was absolutely NO respect for anyone or anything at BM's house, so now it's up to us to somehow fix that and it sucks! I think that step-parenting is the WORSE job anyone can have - talk about having to eat shit! I just really hope & pray that all of these SK's one day realize what we've done for them and that we're not the bad guys.
Everyone sitting down and
Everyone sitting down and talking is a good start, implementation is always the hard part but at least it's all out on the table. You should show your husband the "how to make an evil step-mother" post, maybe he'll get the idea a little. Good luck - I think we all just kind of take it day to day with these kids, especially the teenagers who weren't raised like we would have raised them (I read your reply to my post so I know you have the same frustrations). Seriously, it wouldn't even have occurred to me at that age to behave the way these kids do, down to just little things like getting up from the dinner table clearly expecting that the adults will be cleaning up the mess. It's impossible not to be frustrated by that but if your husband will at least step up and back you up then you have a chance - was that part of last night's discussion too? Again, good luck, it seems like it's mostly up to your husband now.
Funny you said that...
because I already printed out the "how to make an evil step-mother" post for him to read. I don't want to start another argument with him, but I think it clearly illustrates how behavior like his makes me feel! He and I need to work on him backing me up. That's not something I wanted to discuss in front of SD. He and I have our 2nd marriage counseling session on Thursday, so I've been saving that topic for then. I'm sure this will get worse before it gets better. But I think that now he knows I'm very serious about leaving if SD doesn't shape up.
Don't hold your breath...
They may never realize it, but hang in there. Steve said it best!