Fork in the road
Well folks, it's been a busy month & I haven't written or commented in a while, but today I just needed to log on & spill my guts. If I don't I think I'm going to explode.
I'm now at a point where I need to decide whether to stay or go, and the worst part is we've just sold our house & are buying a new one. The timing couldn't be WORSE.
My husband continues to cater to my 13 year old SD. He undermines me constantly. She literally gets whatever she wants, and acts like a royal bitch if she does NOT get her way. And God forbid you ask her to do something. I could go on & on with examples, but this blog would never end if I did, so we'll just leave it at that.
Most recently, 2 Fridays ago I decided to take our 3-year old & stay at my Aunt's house for the night because I was ready to divorce him. I'm so sick & tired of a 13 year old controlling everything we do. She is consuming our lives & I can't live like this any more. But our 3-year old loves her daddy too, and I don't want her to grow up resenting me for leaving him.
My husband & I talked things over (that night that I was at my Aunt's house) and we concluded that I need to chill out about certain things & he needs to crack down on certain things. I thought we had an agreement to do just that. But it's been over a week and I've seen absolutely NO change in him whatsoever.
I really want to keep this marriage together, and I see no other way than to go to marriage counseling. He is really against it -he thinks it's a complete waste of time and money. So I'm asking all of you who have gone to marriage counseling - is it really helpful?
At this point I'm desperate & this is my last, only hope. If things continue, my SD is going to end up a train wreck, as she's already on her way. And I'm not about to have my 3-year old learning by SD's example. But I do love my husband and just wish we could get along like we used to, without him letting her control our lives.
ANY suggestions anyone can give would help me out tremendously. I just don't know what else to do.....
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Comments
you can work this out...
you said two things that you need to pay attention to:
a) you still love your husband
b) your three year old loves and needs her daddy.
marriage counselling can do wonders. i would know. please get him to agree to go and tackle this guilt-parenting style he has going on and how it's affecting yoru marriage and your family. i know you guys can beat this. my DH is the same way as yours and even though our SS doesn't live with us (thank God), when he visits, it's very hard on the family dynamics. when you fall in love with a man with kids from someone else, we have to know that it's going to be tough at times. but if you love him, which i think you do, you have to fight for it. there are also many good books outthere about 'blended families' and he should educate himself on how to be a better parent before his daughter grows up to be a selfish, needy, narcissistic, materialistic and miserable young woman. he's not going anyone any favours by caving so often and creating alot of hard feelings between you and him. he has guilt. he has to deal with it and get some help before it destroys everything he cares about. good luck.
Just trying to be a Stepmom without getting Stepped On.
I hope so...
Thanks unknown. You seem to know how I'm feeling. He definitely guilt-parents and it definitely affects our marriage. SD came to live with us full-time at the end of December and it has just progressively gotten worse & worse. She hasn't spent ANY time with her mother ever since, so I've had NO break from any of this. My husband keeps telling me to put myself in HIS shoes, and put myself in SD's shoes. Well I'm tired of it. It's time he puts himself in MY shoes & see what it's like to have to sit here & deal with all of this. I have no say in my own home and it SUCKS. Half the time I can't even be mad at SD for acting the way she does, because my husband allows it to continue! He even creates it! He is destroying this family, and I'm not one to point fingers, but right now it is what it is. I'm going to take Anne's advice. If that doesn't work it's on to counseling. And if that doesn't work, then I guess there's no more hope. At least if it gets that far I'll be able to tell my daughter that I did everything I could to hold it together.
Put it in writing and sign a contract.
Tell him you'll forgo counseling FOR NOW if he will agree to put everything in writing. Write down what he will do, write down what you will do and make that a private contract between the two of you. Then write down rules, regulations and punishments; put it all in a contract and both of you sign it, then present it to SD to let her know the times are a'changing before posting it on the fridge. Give it a week or two for everyone to develop a comfort level working within the guidelines of the contract and don't be afraid to use it to keep each other honest. Tell him that if everyone sticks to the contract, then counseling may not be needed. But if everyone does not stick to the contract, let him know it's counseling or the door.
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ANNE 8102 ♥ GEORGIA
Why didn't I think of that?
Excellent idea, Anne! Thank you so much! And the mention of this not being as emotional as counseling might be the key to making it work. That, and the fact that this way my husband won't have the fear of listening to someone tell him what he's doing wrong. I think that's the reason why he REALLY doesn't want to go through counseling.
I also like Sarahbernheart's suggestion of having him read about guilt parenting. I should be able to find one with his face on the front cover, as he is the poster child (ha ha, just kidding - well, not really). I actually already do have a step-parenting book. Honestly, though, I haven't finished it yet - shame on me. I'll make it a point to do that.
Anne, I've seen some of your feedback to others on this site & I can't help but wonder - what is your occupation? You seem very level-headed and in-tune to what people are thinking & feeling as they're spilling their guts here.
Chief cook and bottle washer, lol!
I'm a stay-at-home mom these days, but prior to that I was a paralegal in Virginia.
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ANNE 8102 ♥ GEORGIA
Great for you!!
I am envious!!
Ohhh Anne!
I love it!
I second that Anne!
Men (not to offend) love tasks..a contract gives them something concrete something to perform..(not based on pure emotion)
also get a book on parenting with guilt and see if he will read it if you read one on blended families.
i dont think it is too late if he is willing to work on it as much as you are!
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
Excellent
advice. Also, points A & B in Unknown's Post are well taken.
Anne is suggesting clarity & commitment & consequences/accountability. Outstanding!
A good book for you
Your DH (and you) may want to read this book as a start:
http://www.atmysistershouse.com/book.php
I ordered the book and it was great! I made my DH read it too.
OMG!
I have to print this & show it to my husband. What website is this from??? I swear to you, he does every single thing on this list!! It's really sad, & I've lost a lot of respect for him because of it.
Forget it - I just read the comment above yours & went to the site. I leave work in 16 minutes. I am picking my daughter up from daycare & heading straight to Borders to buy this book! I can't wait to start reading it!!!
i love anne's contract idea
and i am going to USE it should SS ever move in with us. God help us all if he does....
Just trying to be a Stepmom without getting Stepped On.
Maybe it's just stress?
This situation sounds so familiar with what happened to my husband and I three years ago. We had our house on the market (the one he lived in with BM and she decorated). We got in a big fight, and I mentioned divorce. You know, he was so miserable with me, he didn't know why he married me in the first place, that sort of thing.
So, what does he say to me? "Well, if we're going to get a divorce you'd better let me know so I can take this house off the market." What?! Not "I love you, we'll work this out." Just "I don't want to sell MY house." Moron.
So then what happened?
How did you two work it out?