Wondering if I'm alone in this thought-postponing having children
My fiance and I have talked at length about having children together. We both want at least one together, if not two. There are many factors however, one of which being SD14.
Let me start by saying I love SD! She's a great kid, and I look forward to her visits very much. The three of us have a lot of fun together, but more than that, it's been great getting to know her, and forming my own bond with her. And in that vein, fiance and I have discussed waiting until she goes to college to have a baby together. We are trying to get full custody of SD, and if that happens, in fairness to her, we thought perhaps it would be better to let her be the only child for the next 4 years, focus all our energy and time on setting her up to achieve as much as she can, and then, after she is in school, having another child. And before you say it, I know when she goes to college that's not the end of the parenting, or the responsibility, but in terms of her living with us full time and then going to school, I think it would be an easier transition for all of us.
This is something BM hasn't thought about at all. SD was born when BM (and BF) were 17, and since then BM has married, divorced, and married again, and this time is intent on "doing things right" and has a 3 yr old, and is now pregnant again. Their family doesn't have the money to support the children they have, and yet they're busy having more. (SD said this in disgust). SD perceives her role in this new family as free maid and babysitter, and she hates it. her stepfather makes it VERY apparent that he's not her father, and not remotely responsible for her any time there's a question of that.
So my fiance and I are really sensitive to emotionally putting her in that same situation. When she's with us, we make it a point to put her first, in terms of her needs and the things we feel she needs to succeed. We want her to feel safe and secure with us, and her relationship in our family. We both are concerned that if we had a baby sooner, that she would again feel like an outsider, like she does at her mom's.
There's also a slew of practical reasons for waiting too, like as long as we're paying a ridiculous CS bill (aka paycheck to nonworking BM) every month, we can't really AFFORD a mortgage (we rent now), we need to save money for a downpayment, we're considering moving to another state depending on how things work out with SD, and my personal need to be able to rely upon my family for help with a baby, and right now we live too far from them to have that support.
So waiting seems like the logical thing to do for many reasons....
I am a bit concerned though. I just turned 32. That would mean we wouldn't start trying until I was 36. Not bad, I know, but not my preference either. I guess I'm wondering if it will even achieve what we hope, namely making sure SD knows how important she is, and how she's always going to be a part of our family.
We've had some talks with her about this, letting her know we do plan to have a child together someday, but that we plan on doing it right, and being in a position to support everyone in the family, including her, before jumping into that. She seems totally fine with it, and happy, but then, it's not real either.
Has anyone else done this? Put off having a child until SK is of age and had it be a benefit? Had things for SK worked out better b/c of it, or are we decieving ourselves into thinking that it'll make a difference, and somehow magically at 18 when she goes off to college she won't have a problem with us having a baby? I dont' know, just things I think about....
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I understand your need to make her feel she is your priority.
But just a couple of other points...
1. The four years before she goes away to college would also be the only time she will probably get to spend quality time with her new sibling, and it would be the perfect time for building a close bond between them.
2. Waiting until you are 36 is fine. Unless you have problems conceiving. I don't want to scare you, but if you do have problems getting pregnant for some reason, the older you are the harder it will be to fix. And keep in mind you want to have more than one child.
If she is totally OK with it I think you should try taking her out of the equation and make your decision based on the other factors you mention.
That's an excellent point,
That's an excellent point, and one I hadn't considered very much at all, namely her getting to know a younger sibling. I guess I put that aside b/c of how exasperated she seems to be with her BM's new child, how difficult it is for her to do her homework b/c her half sister is screaming, how she breaks her things, how SD is expected to watch her constantly, etc. But much of that is a reflection on parenting, not just on the existence of the sibling.
This is all just so unreal to me. For so long I never wanted children. Then I got married, and it became a possibility I wasn't ready to fully rule out. Then I got divorced b/c I wasn't ready to have children b/c of the problems in our relationship. Now I met my fiance, and I want children with him. Having SD in my life made me see what a great father he is, and be able to trust him to be there for me and his family. I am very close with my own father, and so I am able to support him 110% in being as big of a role in SD's life as possible, b/c I know the difference it made to me.
And now here I am, and I feel like I'm running out of time! Oh the irony.... If it turned out that I couldn't have children, it would certainly make me sad, but unlike many, it was never my life dream to be a mommy, it came on as a result of meeting my fiance, so although I would be disappointed, I would feel blessed b/c I still have a great SD....
My thoughts
First of all you have a really heartfelt post. You really care deeply for your SD and I commend you for being such a great stepmom! My thoughts are to meet somewhere in the middle with how long to wait.
I married my DH when I was 33. We had so many issues with BM and SD's that we postponed having children together. I am now 36...and having trouble getting pregnant. I've come to accept it and I do have a daughter that's 15 that I'm so very thankful for. It's just funny how life turns out - hers was an accidental pregnancy with my college boyfriend (he's not involved) and now that I want to get pregnant, I can't. Been trying well over a year.
I guess my point is not to rush it or postpone. Do what's right for your family - your entire family, not just SD. Another thought is your SD in her last few years of high school will be going out with friends so much you won't see her a lot. I think if you do it right (not make her babysit like her BM does, things like that) then she'll be accepting. Good luck to you
Stepmom_C
First, I am so sorry to hear you are having difficulty
and wish you much luck for success in your future. I have watched friends go through similiar challenges who are younger than I am now, and that is part of my concern, though like you, if it does turn out that I am not meant to have children of my own, it will only make me love the child already in our family all the more, whether she's mine or not.
I do think you're right about the last few years of high school. Right now it seems like it's not possible, she comes over every weekend, hardly ever misses, and if she does, it's not to be with her friends. She doesn't call them on our phone, or have them over, or ask us to take her to their houses, whatever, she enjoys hanging out with us, talking, watching movies, playing games, going out, etc. I think her BM has turned their home into Barney/Disney Princess hell, so SD is just grateful to be around adults who act like adults, and talk about things that interest her. It's hard to imagine her being out a lot as a result, but I know you're right, especially if she comes and lives with us full time and it's not such a treat to be here, and it's more status quo.
I guess the only thing to do is to wait it out and see what happens with the custody, and reevaluate everything in light of that outcome...
Caution
It is a commendable thought to always 'put SD first', but it doesn't always work out to their benefit. I feel you should also consider what you need. Only children get siblings all the time, we had a very full house, and that is the way life is. Most people don't get several adults supporting them full time and while it could be good, it could also set up an unrealistic expectation for your SD, that she needs this special attention to survive.
If you have a good relationship with your DH and you know you want kids eventually, I would not postpone having your own kids due to your age and the fact that anything can happen. To me (44 years old childless because of waiting for a good relationship), the younger you are for your B-child the better I think, especially if it does take a while. Your SD will be fine even if she does have a new sibling and you will have your dream of a child with your DH.
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
Thank you for responding! I
Thank you for responding! I guess I see it a bit differently, b/c I'm an only child. I actually hated being an only, but SD is different b/c she isn't the only at BMs, so I think she appreciates it more than I ever did.
I'm also a bit gun shy of the teenage years. She's been a GREAT kid thusfar, but I was a terror. So many evil SDs described on this site remind me of myself. I think I would be at my wits end with some of the stuff I put my family through AND a newborn baby....
Have a baby...
My H and I are trying now to have a baby. I am 31. I have a SS 7. I see your side of all the points that you made but like others have commented if you have a baby now then your SD will have time to bond with and love that child. At her moms house you said she feels like an outsider and that is probably because there is no love and closeness like there is with you, her and H. It is same way with me, H and SS. Just the other day SS said you know me you and dad love one another so much just think how much love we are going to give our baby when you have one. Having a baby could tie you all together so much more than you could ever imagine. You SD's BM sounds like she does not know how to treat her children fairly and seems as though she has married a man who does not care for her daughter and that is a NO NO. A good friend of mine and mother of 3 told me in my struggling to decide if I was ready to have a baby that if I waited till all pieces were in place to have a baby then I would never have one. I am firm believer that the love you and your H and SD have like me and my H and SS have can be incredible stuff and tie you all that much closer to each other and that baby. However in the end you have to do what you feel is right for you. Like I stated we are trying to have a baby but still right now I am worried to death about it but I know the love that we all have will make it OK!
Thank you for your
Thank you for your incredibly positive post
I've heard that statement, if you wait for all the pieces to be in place it'll never happen before, and it is something to think about. I think if I get most of the rest lined up, closer to my family, own a home, I'll feel better about both providing for SD but also for bringing another addition into our family. One step at a time 
if your SD was a BD would your feelings be the same?
honestly, i see what youre saying, and i think you sound like a wonderful stepmom AND MOM, BUT you and DH have to do whats best for U and SD will handle it. im all for making the kids an integral part of the relationship, but unless your child has special needs and would suffer care from the birth of a new baby, i just dont think its rite to base the decision around them. Plus, like u mentioned, if u wait and have trouble conceiving and god forbid never get to have a babdue to age or whatever, dont u think u may start to harbor ill-will toward SD for the sacrifices u made for her?
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
I agree with what others said....
I am pregnant right now (I'm due in less than 10 days! eeeeeek!!!) and have an SD11.
SD11, made it perfectly clear that if given the choice I would never be having this child. The thing is, its not her choice. This is something that should be between you and DH. Certainly considering the feelings of your SD is a good thing, and I absolutely commend you for that.
But think about it....if there was no "step" in the equation, would you be waiting? And your intentions are wonderful, but if things don't go as planned, and you end up having trouble conceiving later, you will likely have significant resentment towards SD.
I recommend having a baby when YOU'RE ready, not waiting for SD to leave. (And I recommend that despite having spent the past 9 months hearing about how I'm ruining my SD's life by having a baby!
)
ugh, that can't be easy. SD
ugh, that can't be easy. SD has always been positive about us having a child, and really not negative even about the existence of her BM's latest child, more just that they can't provide and BM doesn't discipline or be responsible for her kids, and leaves it up to SD to watch and care for them.
SD is a great kid, and I'm sure she'd be okay with it. If SD weren't in the equation, we would wait until our finances were better or at least lived closer to my family so I could entrust my parents to watch my baby while I worked if I couldn't stay home, and we owned a home. But b/c of SD and CS, we can't do either of those things as it stands right now. We can't move closer to my family w/o abandoning her, and we can't afford to buy here with the CS F has to pay...
Something will give I guess eventually, even if it's not until she turns 18...
I agree with Jess
have a baby when and if your ready. I have a friend that is 38 that is just now having her first child. My SD's have asked me several times why I don't want a child of my own. I just simply think having a baby because every wants you to is a horrible idea. I know I could not handle a baby right now, or where the baby would even fit in to the situation, some serious changes would have to made in the house. I do however give women with SK's huge props for having kids of their own. Good luck
I personally think that putting
SD above all else, is kind of dangerous to her psyche. She can't be led to believe she is the "only one". I agree with what someone else said about the closeness of the siblings, they deserve a relationship before she leaves for college. Also, I do believe that you would raise her differently than her BM, so the sibling experience would be completely different. I say go for it! Don't let BM's past behaviors dictate your furture!
Thank you Sia for more
Thank you Sia for more positive input! I take having a child REALLY SERIOUSLY. I know it's a huge responsibility, and I, personality wise, am a planner, contingency planner, back up plan obsessor, yeah, I don't rush into things!
So because I take it so seriously, I like to consider every option. You're right about the relationship with a possible sibling, as others said, that's something I hadn't considered. Does a 16 yr old bond with a baby brother? I don't know. Sibling stuff is kind of a mystery to me, being an only child, so I don't know what to expect.
And well, in terms of putting her first, it's what my dad always did for me. At the expense of his relationship with my mom actually, which is one thing I don't want to emulate. This doesn't mean she gets her way all the time, or that she calls all that shots, that's not the case at all, but it does mean that her dad and I do most things with consideration of how it will impact her life, and make decisions that are in her best long term interests, whether she sees it short term or not. Luckily for us, at this point, she generally agrees, and it's never a fight with her to get her to see our rationale for the things we do and the decisions we make. Part of putting her first even constitutes knowing when to put US first. We can have the best of intentions in the world, but if her dad and I aren't strong together, it doesn't mean anything. WE have to be the foundation of a solid family by our commitment and love, and that takes investment and time too.
I dunno, I probably overanalyze these things, I just wish a lot of people (present company excluded of course!) took having children more seriously, and thought it through. I'd hate to be guilty of that myself....
It has to be your choice.
My skids were extremely positive when I got pregnant with their sister and they immediately accepted my son from my previous marriage as their "brother" with no muss and no fuss. I don't remember either DH or I asking them if they approved of the extra siblings, but they were very welcoming nonetheless. There will be sibling rivalry and all that, and I think all kids go through that "you love _____ more" phase. There really is no such thing as perfect timing, although I have to say that having my firstborn at 27 was easier in some ways than having my second child at 32. I'm 38 now and I have no idea how women in their later thirties or beyond do it. Babies take so much energy! Once you make the decision to do it, you prepare as much as you can and hope for the best. The more involved you allow your SD to be, the more accepting she will be. You just cannot possibly plan for every single eventuality. You have to live your life in a way that makes you happy and everything will fall into place one way or another.
♥ ANNE 8102 ♥
"I know why families were created with all their imperfections. They humanize you. They are made to make you forget yourself occasionally, so that the beautiful balance of life is not destroyed." ~ Anais Nin
I completely understand
what you are going through. I am a stepmom to 2 kids and I have no bio children of my own. I am in my thirties and I feel as if I should also wait so that my bio children will have everything that they need. What makes my situation more difficult is I am having problems with infertility and I feel alone because DH has not idea what I am going through. This has actually caused me to go into a depression.
We too are also paying too much in CS so that BM can be a stay at home mom with her new baby (she recently remarried). We struggle and cannot afford to buy a home let alone for me to take time off to have a child. I feel a little anger and resentment that my dreams are on the backburner. Like you, waiting just seems responsible although my family tells me nothing is ever perfect.
Thank you for sharing this because being a stepmother is so hard and to add not having any children of my own really makes it that much harder I feel. Its nice to know I'm not alone.
Don't let SD stop you from having your own
I debated this MANY MANY MANY times. I'm glad you get along with your SD. I get along with mine, but I still have issues with DH knocking some woman up when he was a kid (20) and her taking him to court for almost everything...that's another story. I've debated on waiting until the kid is 18 to have my own. By that time, I'd be 38. I decided to NOT let my present and future be put on hold just because of this obligation. I'm debating very much on our second kid. DH wants it in two years, but by that time, SD will only be 14...that means 4 more years of child support and with the amount he pays (based on bm's bogus income), I don't thikn we can afford it. I'm VERY tempted to wait until the kid turns 18, but I'll be 37/38 - who knows, but it's an emotional decision as well.
I'm putting off my wedding
I'm putting off my wedding by a year and having babies by two years because of my situation. I hate it, and it's hard for me to not resent the skids because of that. FH and I worry about the financial aspect of it. One thing that works in our favor, though, is that when we have kids, CS gets reduced because where we are, all kids are supposed to get equal support. It tempts me to go have ten kids.... But, then I'd have the world's largest hips, knowing my genes.
To every thing there is a season.
Delaying Having Kids For The Benefit Of Your SD
While it's commendable you want to postpone having kids for your SD, your first priority really should be what's best for you and your spouse. Consider, for example, that many doctors seem to report the
chances of conceiving diminish as you get older. One reason for this is many women develop endiometricis as they age. Another is your eggs may not be as viable. Yet another is one never knows for sure whether one may develop some other disease that may prevent your chances of conception. My best friend, for example, developed cancer at age 36, and had to have a hysterectomy. If she had waited just one more year, she never would've had a child. And finally, the older one gets, the greater the odds are the child will have Down's syndrome or some other genetic defect. While I'm not saying you would love such a child any the less, I am saying the demands of special needs children can be greater at a time when your energy is starting to diminish.