Wow.. guilt parenting actually extends to guilt grandparenting!!
So... as most my know, my dh and I have been trying to get pregnant for over a year. We still have not had much luck, but keep planning as if it will happen.
The plans I am referring to are 1) start training the skids now so that the baby is not blamed and 2) get the house as ready as possible, since it was a fixer upper.
This weekend my inlaws were visiting from out of state. We had the skids and the inlaws in my house. My house is not huge, but is a good size for my dh and I. The previous owners had 3 boys in my ss9's bedroom and 1 daughter in what is now our bedroom, and the parents had my sd9's room. During the weekend, I expressed to my DH the need to get the things the skids dont use anymore and that are no longer age appropriate out of their rooms. That we need to get them used to putting every piece away and not leaving out pieces that a baby could put in their mouths and choke on. I mentioned the pairing down in front of my inlaws.. figuring, they were parents once, and could relate... WRONG.. my fil made a face and sighed at my suggestion that we pair down their rooms.
Last night, my MIL decides to help the skids clean their bedrooms, I go and help, as I felt guilty w/just her helping (even though I had worked all day and cleaned up after supper.. but I digress).. We get the skids cleaning and get stuff put away properly.. the Skids disappear, leaving my MIL and me in one of the rooms.
MIL: "wow.. this is great, now all their toys fit"..
Me: "yes, but they cant maintain this and we need to pair down the room, in the future I dont want it to be that their rooms are being paired down because of a baby.. I want it to be part of their routine".
MIL: "You'll just have to get a bigger house"
(NO JOKE PEOPLE!!)
Me: " ummm.. no.. we cant afford a bigger house, these skids are here 48 days a year, I think they can learn to share"
I just want to scream.. WTF is wrong w/these people... I am sure this would NOT be the reaction should this have been coming from his first wife and they were still an intact family.. but because I (god forbid) want to get them into a routine (to consider their feelings, and help them adjust in the future to a possible new sibling) I am just being mean and unfair to the precious skids.
Good grief. Those kids are lucky to have a bedroom dedicated to them in my house as it stands now. Its MY house.. not theirs.. they have a home... In the future one or both of those bedrooms will become my future children's rooms, and they will have to share w/the skids, but it will be those children's bedrooms.. not the other way around. This isnt their primary residence..
Why does everything have to be such a battle!?!?!?
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Comments
Amazing
This is incredibly similar to a situation I had about 25 years ago when my stepkids were in grade school. DH and I came into a little windfall we used for a down payment on a house. We had really never thought we could afford to buy our own house, but yay, we could...a very small house, but we were totally excited. But could my MIL be happy for us? Oooh, nooo....she was so annoyed that we couldn't afford a bigger house and she fussed and fussed about it. Then when we actually moved and had to get rid of the bunk beds the stepkids used she about blew a gasket. It was the same deal, they spent about 60 days a year with us, and I just couldn't see buying a bigger house, pay more money, higher taxes, etc., etc., just to provide them with their own rooms.
Ah, well....long story, but she still manages to get in her digs about it after all these years. Good luck with all this. Wish I could tell you that everything gets all better with the passing of time, however.....not so much.
WOW
How can your MIL tell you to get a bigger house? That's just nuts. Whether you can afford to or not, its your decision and kids can share rooms. We are planning to move into a 4 bedroom home from a 3 bedroom duplex. My daughters (12 & 7) have shared a room since the youngest was 2. Both girls have been told if they cannot maintain a clean room then they will not get their own rooms in the new house. If they get their own rooms, BD7 will have to share some of her room with FSS 4 months when he comes to visit.
I come from a family of 19 and yes we shared rooms. I have only had my own room for a short part of my adult life after moving out of my parents home. I had to share a dorm room with a stranger, shared apartments in college with strangers. This is life. You should not have to rearrange your stuff and your future child for people who do not actually reside in your home.
Sorry your in-laws just don't get it.
Guilt and grandparents
I totally agree with Frustrated. My mil adds to the spoiling of the skids. She acts as if they are so mistreated. See my blog about a recent e-mail exchange with her. So, once again the magic "d" word.
The funny thing is that you think she would be happy that I treat the kids well and am not the evil step mother. Oh well, whatever.
Georgie
mother guilt
(does things for his mom out of the guilt - whatever you call that)
Its called Mother's guilt - its the gift that keeps on giving, whether you want the gift or not!
I just thought it was
I just thought it was insane.. Now.. last night.. before they left, she tells me how the ex (bm) is a nice person!!! UMMMMM.. HUH??? Since when?? I said.. she is kissing your @ss hoping you forget all the hurtful things she said to you and WROTE to you in a letter.. She is trying to rewrite history. I guess its working.
Needless to say.. I was in a funk the rest of the evening.
I forgot to add....
...that the MIL is big pals with my husband's ex. So in all her frustration over not being able to control us on the size of our house, then she started laying it on thick about the ex's house...how nice it was, they got a new hottub, etc., etc. I refused to react, which is what she was going for. So then she started going on and on about poor little ex, she had "the hardest job in the world" and guess what, she did get a reaction on that one! Let's see, she worked at the post office at the front counter....not to denigrate anyone with that job, but I don't think it is all that hard compared with me having to work three different shifts in 5 days, in a jail and all that entails. I'm here to tell you, it went downhill from there. I could write volumes!!! And here I am 25 years later and it has never gotten better, only worse. So if you have a BM you're trying to deal with and your own MIL is in her corner....holy baloney, you're in for it. I wish I had had a crystal ball all those years ago....I would never have gotten involved in all this. My husband is kind and generous to a fault, but I would not have married him had I foreseen all that has transpired over 25+ years.
mil's
I get that too. Oh, poor ex maybe she will realize what she lost (referring to dh). Oh poor ex, she changed so much. We just LOVED the old ex; she is such a smart woman. Oh poor ex this and poor ex that. Blech. :sick:
MY INLAWS SPOIL MY SD SO
MY INLAWS SPOIL MY SD SO MUCH BY ASKING MY H TO LET THEM HAVE HER STAY OVER AND BUY HER WHAT SHE WANTS, LET HER EAT JUNK FOOD, CLEAN UP AFTER HER AND THE ONE I HATE THE MOST IS TALKING TO HER AS IF SHE WAS A BABY AND THEY NEVER GET AFTER HER FOR DOING WRONG. THEIR REASON FOR DOING THIS IS "IF WE GET AFTER HER SHE MIGHT NOT WANT TO COME BACK TO YOU (HUS)". SO THEY WALK ON EGGSHELLS FOR HER AND THAT PISSES ME OF CAUSE THIS 8 YEAR OLD STILL DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO DRESS PROPERLY ON HER OWN, EAT, CLEAN HERSELF AFTER POTTY AND TALKS LIKE A BABY...
Sometimes I wonder if my
Sometimes I wonder if my inlaws would rather he still be w/the ex, or get back together w/her for the sake of the children..
She now has a child w/her new dh.. wonder if they would be more accepting of that child, than any I can provide.
There are days when I feel that I bit off more than I can chew.