SD16, tomorrow 17
Tomorrow is SD16's birthday. Six months ago we were counting down the months of CS until June 2009 when she would be graduating. After she moved in with us and wouldn't put forth any effort we knew that she probably would not graduate on time. She has been gone for 3 months next week and the alternative education teachers have told us she will not graduate next year or maybe not ever as she doesn't go to class some of the time. SD had mentioned plans to go to court and become emancipated when she turned 17. She has been living with her 20 year old boyfriend since moving home. We are still paying CS to BM and I have asked DH to request 50% of the money back. BM is not paying for any food, housing or clothing for SD and since the child HAS to be living with the custodial parent to collect we figure she is getting a good deal by collecting $250 a month for doing nothing. DH is very nervous to ask her for the money though he mentioned sometime ago that she had no right to the money per the divorce agreement and custody papers. BM acknowledged that she knew this. Whenever I bring this up DH gets nervous and upset. He is very worried about SD and sent her a birthday card with a Subway gift card for a small amount. BM told DH that SD has gained alot of weight, her skin is broken out and she is neglecting her appearance. She only wears sweatpants and doesn't wear makeup or do her hair anymore. We have good insurance that would pay for counseling but SD refuses to go. Maybe I shouldn't push the 50% thing but I can't see paying that witch for the next 2 1/2 years which is the longest possible time. Should I let it go?
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no
No, I would not let it go. I would follow up and see if you can give it to the child instead of BM. Or at least if not give it to the child spend the money on her; food, medicine or whatever she needs.
I agree
That money should be going to the child. Since your SD's appearance has gone down hill, she could be doing drugs. That is one of the first signs, not taking care of yourself.
In the words of Judge Judy - the money is for the child not the parent.
It's his call.
His kid, his money, his problem, his decision. I say let him make it. If you've already expressed your opinion, then I'd let it go.
♥ Georgia ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)
I wouldn't let it go
Every payment that BM gets that she is not entitled to means less disposable income for you and your husband - you guys are one unit so I don't think it is acceptable to say his kid, his money, his problem. If you guys share finances it is very much an issue that affects you both - anyone worth their salt would tell you that allowing this woman to collect this money when she is not entitled to it shows that your DH is allowing this woman to have emotional control over him and indirectly over your marriage. It is not unreasonable to withhold the money if the child does not live with the BM. What you do with the money is up to you - it's effectively your (as in both of you) money.
Salt. LOL!
MY position is that it is HIS problem to deal with and HE should be the one to do it, not his wife. That just puts her needlessly in the way of the whole BM/SD fiasco. It also puts her in the position of making him angry with HER over something that has nothing to do with her. And entitlement doesn't mean squat. It is ILLEGAL to stop the CS payments without a change in the court order. BM may not be morally entitled to the money, but the father is not legally entitled to it, either, unless or until the court order changes. What happens to the CS money is decided by a court order, not by the whims of the stepparent or the NCP. Right, wrong or indifferent, it's a matter of law. There's no decision to be made, unless it's the father choosing, as only HE can, to go back and try to get a modification. If he's successful, then he can stop paying. But not until then.
The person who is ordered to pay the support - the father, in this case - must pay it until the court order is changed. His wife has two choices... nag him until he's pissed off at her about it or express her opinion and then let him deal with it himself however he decides to deal with it. If he decides to request a modification, great. If he doesn't, well, then he'll just have to keep paying. But to tell a stepparent "what you do with the money is up to you" is just irresponsible. It's not the stepparent's money. It's not the father's money. It's not even the child's money. It's the mother's money, payable to her for benefit of the child unless or until a court order states otherwise. To advise someone to stop paying because they think or even know the child isn't benefitting from it only sets the paying parent up for a truckload of legal problems when CSE decides to garnish his wages and have is driver's license revoked for non-payment.
No, the father shouldn't have to pay the mother for a child she is not supporting and who doesn't live with her, but that's not his, his wife's or any anonymous commenter's decision to make. My advice to the father would be to
report the kid as a runaway and have her taken into custody and returned to him; (b) file an emergency petition for sole legal and physical custody to be placed in the father due to the mother's neglect; (c) call the cops and have this "boyfriend" arrested for sex with a minor and THEN (d) contact the Division of Child Support Enforcement (or my attorney, if there's a court case already filed) to see what to do about stopping CS payments TO the mother and arranging CS payments FROM the mother once the change in custody has been established.
♥ Georgia, the un-stepmom ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)
I agree with Georgia..
The LAST thing he should do is stop paying his obligation.
I would definitely discuss the emancipation issue with the SD. Maybe encourage her to take courses to obtain her GED.
I'm just at a loss as to why BM thinks it's acceptable that DH continues to pay the CS. DH might approach it as just a question instead of any kind of argument. Maybe she would agree to giving the money to SD for the time being or even in some sort of bank account to let SD use at a later time.
Also, I really wonder if SD's "appearance" is due to depression or if it has to do with drugs. Usually a deteriorating appearance and lack of motivation are tell tale signs.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Call CSE. If the BM is not
Call CSE. If the BM is not responsible for the SD ("she's living with her 20 yo bf") then the BM should not get support for her. I do not know how to handle support directly to the child or who keeps her coverage with insurance, but the BM doesn't need to recieve it.
Let me know if you can get out of this
I will file that knowledge away for future reference as I expect the same situation from our SD/BM! thanks
"In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer." -Albert Camus
I based my view on
the extract of the original post detailed below:
"DH is very nervous to ask her for the money though he mentioned sometime ago that she had no right to the money per the divorce agreement and custody papers. BM acknowledged that she knew this"
Perhaps I was wrong in my interpretation but I read it to mean that he was not court ordered to pay this amount and therefore under no legal obligation to do so, which is why I concluded that he was under some form of emotional obligation.
Georgia, I knew as soon as I hit the post button that the "salt" comment would be seen as a slant against your previous comment and honestly it was not how I intended. I was speaking from my own experiences whereby my DH has also been drained financially by the BM when he is under no obligation to do so. It has taken 3 years and a therapist to help him realise that he continues to allow this woman to have an emotional drain over him and consequently our relationship. My view on this is that, as you said above, any court ordered amounts must be paid over until a modification dictates otherwise but any voluntary amounts can and should be withheld if the impact affects the marriage and the finances of DH and current spouse as I personally believe any money spent over and above the court ordered amount should be at the agreement of both husband and wife.
Sorry if I offended you - never my intention - I guess the topic is a little too close to home for me - oh and I am not anonymous - I put AnonCindy since I didn't want to exit and log on again.