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The Stepmother Plague

Stepmom_C's picture

Submitted by Stepmom_C on Thu, 04/12/2007 - 9:58am

Well, I remember someone posting about it. The stepmom plague. I guess I got it last night for the first time at SD6's soccer game and let me tell you it feels like shit. I have 2 SDs (now 6 & 10) and 1 Bio-Daughter(14). Been together w/ DH close to 2 years and have full custody of all of them. I'm one that has the PSYCHO ex-wife to deal with. Haven't posted much about her but the ex is a nutcase. I just don't deal with her...he does.

For the past year I haven't attended any events (soccer, dance recital, etc.) if I knew the BM would be there. She flipped out several times over the course of the first 6 months of my marriage (THIS IS MY FIRST MARRIAGE). She tends to like the f* word and uses it frequently to scream at me and DH in front of her kids (and others)so...I had the breakdown, therapy and decided it was in my best interest as well as my daughter's best interest to stay away from her.

Fast forward to last night. The youngest SD has a soccer game and really wants me to go. I've gone to a LOT of her games in the past - BM doesn't like the sports. But last night she had the kids and I knew she was going to be there. So I decided to take a leap and just deal with it because my SD wanted me to go. Well SD6 handled it great. DH is the coach so he isn't near me, BM is on one side of the field and my daughter and me are on the other side of the field with our team parents. SD6 made her rounds...she'd come over to us some and over to her mom some. Well SD10 ignored us for the entire game. Granted her mom is a "show" mom...on the cell phone the entire game, laughing loud, picking up SD10 and twirling her around. Really making a scene for the other parents. Well, SD10 never said hello to me or my daughter, never came over, nothing. Until BM leaves...then she wants to ride with me and talk to me etc... WTF? DH doesn't understand because he has no Ex to deal with. My daughter respects him and he has no problems... I get no respect. I raise them, I spend my hard earned $ on them. And I have the "plague." HOW DO YOU GET PAST THE HURT???? DH won't get onto SD10 about it but won't listen to me when I'm upset. He just goes to sleep and thinks the problem will miraculously disappear in the morning. HOW DO I DEAL WITH THIS????

Comments

looneybin's picture

Submitted by looneybin on Thu, 04/12/2007 - 11:01am

I don't think it's a matter of the sd ignoring you. In my experience the stepchild just does'nt know how to act around both the bm and the sm, my sd glues herself to her bm and looks at her as though she is the madona herself. Then after mom is gone I'm great to shop with (that is our sport) or go have sushi with. It's not the sd does'nt love you, but maybe to go over to you would make her feel like a traitor (spelling?). Just remember at night when they are safe in bed, you are the rock, you remember the lunch money, you dish out the pepto bismal when they are sweaty and clammy with the stomach flu. When they are grown you will be the one they ask what works for a diaper rash. It's not glamourous.

Just a thought
DJ

whoami's picture

Submitted by whoami on Sat, 09/15/2007 - 12:15pm

i come from a divorced family myself and even though i absolutely think my stepmother is the best thing that ever happened to my father (and i totally adore her), i still have to have this allegance with my BM. she was and stil is emotionally unstable and when i was a child she made sure that i would feel horrible if i did not put her first in everything. i can't tell you how many times my mother would cry and throw herself pity parties. so i remember those days and now when i have been experiencing that same exact feeling you are at soccer games when the ss does not even come near me but sits with his bm when we are watching sd soccer game and my fiance coaching (yes he is also a soccer coach to sd's team)i just think back to those times when i had to deal with my crazy mohter and then i feel sorry for the kids. i know this woman does the same thing to them.

luvdagirl's picture

Submitted by luvdagirl on Sat, 09/15/2007 - 7:41pm

At first we had this problem, and I understand it although it did urk a little but I know if SD had acknowledged me she would have caught trash for it later- look at it that way and you realize its just another affirmation that you are the more respected of the two- SD doesn't do it out of respect for BM but fear and that is just sad.

There is no reaon where logic does not exist

ittakestwo's picture

Submitted by ittakestwo on Sat, 09/15/2007 - 10:23pm

but we have dealt with this as well and I didn't and still don't condone it. It is basic good manners and common courtesy to "acknowledge" someone you know. I don't expect any of the kids, his or mine, to hug the "step-parent" in public in front of the bio-parent, however they are expected to say "hello" or at the very least wave from across the field.

There may be more to the story and maybe she is afraid, I see nothing wrong with you at least discussing it with her and see. Is it fear or just a split loyalty thing? If it's fear, then you may have to deal with it until she gets a lil older. If it's just being uncomfortable, well, like I said, basic good manners and common courtesy. Just make sure she knows you don't expect her to hug you or show any public display of affection but at least a hello or a wave.

It is what it is...

QUINJAI3's picture

Submitted by QUINJAI3 on Sun, 09/16/2007 - 4:27am

fortunatly i have not had that experience of being ignored by sd when bms around sds very open with everyone, however hubby has had an issue when he attended his daughters dance performance and bm didn't tell sd that he was there so she didn't say hi or even know he was there until he told her and showed her pictures. which hurt both hubby and sd. i'm sorry to hear that there is such a thing as the step parent plague i pray it doesn't occur to me but that it doesn't last long for those who do have it...:)

Anne 8102's picture

Submitted by Anne 8102 on Sun, 09/16/2007 - 5:47am

That you are raising them and forking over your hard-earned money to them gives you the right to speak to her about her treatment of you. Forget DH. My DH - and apparently a lot of the other DH's with wives who post on this site - are clueless when it comes to stuff like this. It doesn't affect them, so they can't/don't/won't see it. And even if they do become aware of it, they are total idiots when it comes to finding a solution to the problem. So hey, take care of it yourself. Talk to your SD. Let her know that when she treats you like this, especially considering all YOU do for HER, that it really hurts your feelings. You can tell her that out of respect for her mother, you don't expect her to wallow all over you in front of her or anything, but a polite acknowledge of your existence, for her to not ignore you, is not only polite common courtesy, it's also nothing that should upset her mother. You are her family, too. That doesn't take anything away from the mother. That's how I've always tried to explain it to my skids' BM... my being a part of their lives doesn't take anything away from her, as their mother, it just adds a little something to the kids' lives with their dad.

~ Anne ~

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