I have been the custodial SM to two girls for nearly 12 years. This site was a fantastic resource for me early in my marriage. But I saw recently a blog asking about custodial SM's and how the situation is different. I was one of those. I had a BD but had never been married so like many SM's I tried to treat everyone equal. Did for all of them....A wise psychologist told me early in my marriage that I had two choices as a custodial stepmother. To fully engage and "parent" them all or to disengage and have DH do all the parenting for SD's. They were 4 and 8 when we married. I chose to "parent" and the counselor told me to prepare that I could one day get my heart broken. Little did I know it would happen twice.

It was a long road but I loved the girls and created rules and tried to instill all the values I had in my life growing up. We had house rules and such but DH wasn't supportive enough. We weren't raised the same way and he expected me to parent more over things like education etc... Over time, that created resentment all around from me and from his girls. As for the BM, parties were more important and she rarely saw them - every other weekend at first and no involvement in school or activities. As a side thing, she enjoyed leaving nasty messages and just messing with our lives in general both in and out of court.It's so hard when you parent more than either of their bio-parents. But I chose to do it anyway.

When my oldest SD turned 15, she decided she needed more BM time. Which I understood somewhat. So back to court we went because BM can't settle things normally. Only for money. So week on week off it was for SD 15 and not the other SD 11. It didn't take long before a big fight occurred and SD 15 left for good. We asked for her back several times but the "no rules, no curfew" life she liked better. It was heartbreaking but eventually we moved on with our life and saw her when we could. In the meantime BM moved in and married another guy, 4th try, and my youngest SD said he tried something with her so she wouldn't sleep over on EOW. This ended up in yet another lawsuit dragging out over 3 years. $25k later, my DH won but less than a year later she turned 15 and guess what? She had panic attacks and quit going to school and said she needed her mom, who is still with the same guy that made her uncomfortable! She was making good grades, following the rules....then started bringing home D's and F's. Well, she hadn't spent the night with BM in 3 years mind you... but she went to a party after a "Saturday" visitation and refused to tell DH where she was. Said she'd stay with BM. And that was in Nov and she's been there since.

I almost understood when my older SD left. However there were awful court testimony that "SM kicked her out"...easy to throw SM under the bus and that didn't happen. But younger SD had been in my life since she was 3. To say I'm heartbroken is an understatement, and she hasn't called at all. We also have a son BS7. They were so close and he's so confused. She hasn't reached out once. We had them over Christmas Eve and she acted fine (to get presents from us, my parents, DH's presents) then cried when she left saying she didn't know how it'd feel. I said your home is still here, door is open. Why are you upset? She still left with 3 more bags and didn't come back. DH has tried talking to BM but he's just shut down and upset seeing history repeat itself. I am so upset and don't know what to think. Youngest SD is now acting like we aren't welcoming her and telling school counselors that as well. I don't understand other that parent influence is strong! The same school is where I pay the tuition check for $8k/year but counselors won't talk or include me in anything. Unbelievable.

I'm not sure I'm looking for advice - but support would be great. It's been a long hard road and I've thought about just leaving it all so many times. DH was better at parenting with younger SD but the same thing happened. I'm broken and feel so used. She actually had her mom ask if her cell phone, laptop and other things she was grounded from could be brought to her and given back. WTF?? I should mention that this same BM just testified that she didn't want custody of SD in the other lawsuit we were in. Just wanted money and WE visitation.

As much as I love my BS, I'd never marry a man with kids especially with custody again. It's broken my heart.