and if you to decide to live together that you are not keen on the idea of ex having key. That if the children get locked out you will be more then happy to let them in.
Happy

" make sure you tell the people you love most EVERYDAY.. Its important not only for them to know but for you to tell.. Life is to short to be miserable..

before you even think about moving in with him. Speaking for my self, hell no. I wouldnot want her to have keys to the place, especially after you move it.

Good luck Jo

"May the forces of evil get confused on the way to your house." George Carlin

That wouldn't be enough for me, anyway. I would want the locks changed. All of them. You never, Ever, EVER let an ex have a key to your house. That's like Rule One of divorce etiquette. I don't care if he/she is the mother/father of your children. You NEVER let an ex keep a key to your home. Period. And you ESPECIALLY don't move in with a man who allows his ex to have a key to what is to become YOUR home. That is just an accident (or a lawsuit) waiting to happen. The biggest gripe most of us have is lack of boundaries. This is a good place for you to start. Her having a key crosses major boundary lines. If he cannot understand this, then you do NOT want to commit yourself to spending the rest of your life with him or uprooting yourself to be with him. It's a safety concern, for one thing, and it's also just not proper. If you value your "stuff," then don't move in until the locks have been changed. If he values your relationship, then there won't be any fighting about it. He'll understand and have it taken care of. If he doesn't and you move in, anyway, then be prepared for your wants and needs to continually be pushed aside for the rest of your life.

~ Anne ~

"Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after the other." -Walter Elliot

I have a slightly different take. If the EX is nutty--making your lives miserable, making HIS life miserable, etc., I would say no way should she hae access to the home. However, if they have a good relationship, and he trusts her, I think it's his call as it's his house--for the moment. If and when you move in, that would be the time to get the key back. You are right to discuss this now as you want to make it clear how you feel before you move in.

Also, how old are the kids? Are they old enough to be responsible for their own set of keys? I'd say if they are 12 and older, depending on their maturity levels, it might be a good idea for them to have a set of keys just in case. I always carried one for my parents' house (my mom didn't like it but my dad insisted and it never was a problem).

My advice would be to talk to BF and let him know that while you are living apart, you are not going to dictate what he does and doesn't do, but if it ever comes to pass that you move in, you WILL have a say as to who has access to your home. I can't see that it is hurting anyone for the time being though.

Most of us have had TERRIBLE times with the ex-wives/baby mamas, so we're on the defensive. But some exes are friends and make it work, and that might be the case right now. Again thought, once YOU move in, it's a totally different ballgame. I'll probably be the long ranger in this opinion, but I have learned that in these situations you need to choose your battles wisely. If you are not there and you are not affected by this right now, i don't see why you should waste your energy getting upset about it. I actually would be more concerned that he understands where you are coming from IF you do move in--he needs to know that you have some boundaries of your own. the old "this is how I've always done it, so you need to deal" is NOT an acceptable mantra, especially not when you make a major committment like moving away from your home for him.

Good luck!
Krissy

When BF moved in with me, we went through our keys. He picked out the key to BM's house and asked me what I wanted him to do with it.

"Throw it away. I don't want it in my house."

BM in my situation is a mess, she's psycho and she's a stalker. I would NEVER in a million years even think about letting her have a key to my house.

BUT

Like Krissy said, if the relationship is civil and on good terms, it would be no different than your friend or neighbor having the key.

HOWEVER

This lady seems to have some jealousy issues, and doesn't seem too keen on the idea of YOU. I'd be afraid, since she is obviously not opposed to going there when he's not there NOW, that after you moved in she would invite herself to snoop through YOUR STUFF!

I'd leave the situation alone for a while and bring it up later. Don't let it ruin your weekend, and maybe you'll be able think about a way to bring it up that won't cause an immediate fight.

*~So sayeth Nymh~*

The ladies are absolutely right. At the right time, make it clear that the locks must be changed when you move in. If he doesn't understand why, then there is work to do before you commit to a life with him. (aw, heck, there is always work in these situations. Roll up yer sleeves, get out some kleenex, join a gym (to get out frustration) and bookmark this site! )

In my opinion, the BM has "controlling BM syndrome" - wants to keep a wife's control over the ex. I think it rarely has anything to do with love or attraction and has everything to do with plain old power trips. People like to have people at their beck and call.

Personally, I'd let the laundry thing go. You have to pick your battles, and that wouldn't be mine. But others may put a higher priority on it. You should decide what matters most to you.

My DH said lots of things like that "I'll never . . ." during the first discussion of an issue. It came from a reaction to me asserting myself (he felt told what to do) and a knee-jerk (and misguided) protective reaction re: any topic touching on his kids. I've found it takes time for an idea to sink in and eventually it's like he never said "never"--usually a 180 "well of course that's the thing to do"!! Sheesh.

My DH was dumb enough to go into his ex's house once when she was not home, when he promised to drop off some stuffed animal or something. He had just moved out of the house, and she had moved back in (after two years of being gone), because she "won" the house in the settlement. And duh, after living there nearly 6 years you'd think he'd remember there's an alarm system, and that he no longer knows the code. Alarm went off, police came. After I was done being annoyed that he felt like he had some right to go in there (he was sheepish and said he didn't have the right, he didn't know what he was thinking) -- I laughed my a** off.

...

I didn't read everyone elses posts, but ... I agree with Anne - change the locks, screw getting the key back. I wouldn't go for it at all. In fact when DH was cleaning the last of his things out of BM's house ... it felt so weird to be in her house when she wasn't around (I was helping him) - even he felt weird. Anyway, I wouldn't be happy with the situation and woudl tell him if the real reason for his EX to have the key is incase the kids get locked out, get one of those fake rocks and put it in the back yard with a key in it, or leave the key with a neighbor or something ... BM doesn't need a key!!!

~ Katrina

If I could do my relstionship over, I would have nipped all the things that didn't make logical sense in the bud.....u r right she doesn't need a key....if they get locked out, let the kids stay at her house until he gets home...that makes sense....u need to sit with your boyfriend and set boundsries before u move...and unlike I did, u need 2 make certain he is following through with whatever u 2 decide....like Oprah...this is something I know 4 sure.....and if your boyfriend doesn't agree with u...beware...when there's too much loyalty 2 the ex...be careful....not trying to be negative....but I've been where u are....stay firm and good luck....

Usually a spare key is left with a nearby neighbour....or hidden somewhere....or the kids have a spare. She lives 5 miles away..that doesn't make sense.

Take Care
Lovin-life

My BF doesn't want his ex to be in his house if he's not home. He doesn't even want her in his front door. He won't even give the kids a key because he knows if they go there, she will go along and snoop. There are just things you don't want her to see or know. And there are things she has no right to see or know. I wouldn't move in until you get this one straightened out.

We have a keyless pad that both boys know the code for & where the key is hidden. That way if they have left something at our house & they need to pick it up they can get in. DH swore them to secrecy on it, however both boys gave the code to grandma ( my mom) when she snuck down & surprised us with a visit on the day they work from home with me.

When DH asked them about it they were like it's sweetthings mom, she might have to get in when the baby comes to let out the dog.I told DH that was smart thinking on their part because it is a real possibility and it is a # that pertains to me that my mom would know.

I think we have a key to BM's house from about a year ago when she was out of town & we took care of her garbage & her mail and she used to have one of ours & actually had to come let us in once when we got locked out. We got new doors with new locks during our remodel & figured this was a better plan.

Our relationship with BM goes back & forth, however she is not a criminal nor crazy so I am not worried about waking up with her by my bedside or wearing my jewels.

I agree, why give her the benefit of being SHITTY, because if the KEY is for IF and WHEN the kids get locked out of the house, then technically the KEY should not have been used the NEXT day after you left HIS home, unless the kids were locked out of the house. If it smells like shit it's shit. So BF's theory of WHY EX has a key doesn't make sense. So therefore GET the locks changed of course with his permission BEFORE you move in. He hasn't seen her CRAZY side until you move in, and believe me YOU'RE ONLY at the starting line, ask any one on this site.

The Green Eyed Monster!!!! AKA JEALOUSY!!!!!
Jealousy - "the green eyed monster" - is not one basic emotion, but a compound of many-grief, love, anger, greed, hatred and envy.