The difference between an ex husband and ex wife

Now maybe it's me, but I don't see too many people on this site complaining about their ex husbands calling too much, stopping the children from seeing them, turning up at pick up and ranting, etc etc.

I just read Gwen's post about excessive BM communication - you know the BM's who call and call about nothing.

I got thinking, how many of us really impose on our new partners with ex husbands calling all the time, making unreasonable demands, invading the lives of our new husbands?

My ex is rarely if ever mentioned in this house.

His ex is raised regularly.

Have we got better strategies for dealing with our exes? Is it because men lean more on their new partners regarding child issues as a result of some stereotype?

What do you think?

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Good Observation...

My dh & I just had this conversation @ dinner. He is of the opinion that "when it's over, it's over" so no need to communicate and since his "feelings for her" have died, she or her presence does not bother him at all. Unlike me, who, when she is present, I hate it & it makes me very uncomfortable. When he does speak with EX (which is more often than I would like) he is civil & polite, there have NEVER been any raising of voices or threats, it's all been very amicable. They may not have always agreed on things, but they were very mature about it and did not allow it to affect the kids. I also think that the whole issue of children & who does what, etc, falls mostly to the women in the relationship(s). Whether they be BM or SM, the man in the picture may take responsibility for visitation of his children when dating a woman, but it seems like "we gals" just like to "step in" and begin to handle things for the guys. We start out cooking meals & next thing we know, we are picking them up at school, etc. We just can't seem to let the "boys" do their thing without participating. I not saying that's bad, I'm just saying that my DH only got involved with my son upon request, he never had an opinion & did not interfere. I would say that he exhibited a different level of day to day involvment than I think we as women demonstrate with SK's. Most men for some reason have a better feel for boundaries than women, or at least that has been my experience. In an attempt to get my DH to understand "why" his EX bugs me so much, I said "how would you feel if my EX just showed up at the door & came to visit without an invitation?" His caveman response was, he shrugged his shoulders and went "hmmm, whatever". They just don't get it. Men tend to "pigeon hole" their lives and one part usually doesn't, in their eyes, lap over into the next. Any flow over usually results in them shutting down & letting someone else deal with it. I once read a really good book about men & "triangulation"...when a man is emotionally torn between 2 people, i.e. his mother & his wife or his wife & his EX, his child & his new wife i.e. SM. They just don't emotionally know what to do, it's like how do I deal with having some form of emotion for more than one person at a time. They are very confused and frequently shut down. Oh, the book was "The Dance of Connection" by Harriet Lerner. A very good read...

Anyway, back to the point, I don't know why it is so different, all I know is that it can be very hard & difficult. I wish I had better answers but I don't. Right now, I'm in the mode of why do I let her get to me, when it doesn't seem to bother anyone else? So, I'm sorta' beating myself up right now, it's usually the step I take before I try to forgive her, DH & SK's for their choices & the hurt it has caused me and once again attempt to emotionally move on. I have obviously been down this road several times...go figure, will it ever end? I had to laugh when I read a recent groups of post's entitled "would you marry your spouse again if you knew what you know now"...one response was only if he was a widower!!!!

Fearless That is True

I am cracking up at your response. It is sooo true of most of the men I know including my DH. My poor husband does not want the drama his ex brings into our lives. Neither do I so we avoid her. He would love to be on amicable terms with his ex but she made that impossible.

I had a great relationship with my ex husband up until he got remarried. We have known each other since we were 14 years old. His new wife even though we have been divorced for about 25 years couldn't stand for us to talk or have anything to do with our grown sons. I stopped all contact with him. My sons are as nice as could be with them but sadly they limit their contact with their dad so not to cause any fights for him. It was like she wanted to blot his whole history out of his life. My sons now cannot stand her with good reason but they remain cordial with her for their dad's sake. I to this day if I see both of them will always be cordial. I don't know what he is telling her to make her jealous so I don't judge her. I know he used to throw other women in my face when we were married just to make me feel small and insignificant.

My DH's first ex wife calls him on occasion just to say hello. They have known each other since he was about 19 and it doesn't bother me a bit. As long as he is not talking about our relationship I am cool with it. I see her all the time at my grown SD's house and we talk. In divorce situations we all need to be adults about things. Some people are better off friends and didn't belong married to each other.

Again you GO GIRL..

Although I have to tell you recently my husband and I were in my neck of the woods. And this is what happened.. I moved to a town about 20 minutes away from my neck of the woods to be with my love.. SO when my dad passed away, we were in my neck of the woods which is very rare.. SO my mom's BF owns the bar where my dad was at with buddies after golf and just whenever, but my dad was also friends with a lot of people I went to high school with or watched there kids for them. So at any rate, he was around my peeps.. LOL He got jealous about the guys who were talking to me. Saying he's a dork, oh I was watching him look at you.. All this stuff. He even left me there to visit but he was upset when I arrived home, not mad just upset. So we didn't really talk to much, I was wore out. But the next day he talked to me and said that he was just watching the guys watch me, talk to me and stuff and he didn't like leaving me there around all of them. SO see men can be human and think like us woman. It actually made me feel good that he got a little jealous. It made me realise he is human and can see where I come from sometimes.. }:)
And yes Fearless, I still think that seriously I hate the fact that my husbands ex, has seen him and all the emotional stuff I feel for him she has felt and the fact that he loved her at all. Just pisses me off, but I also realise there isn't anything I can do about it. I hate the fact that she tries to make her stupid little digs still. Its like I know there are things I know that she never knew and I would love to just say really did you know? did you know? YOu know what I mean. She is nerving me to know end..
O'well eventually it will get better it has to right?
Anyways.. You are just such an awesome person.. Thank you for the many laughs..

Happy

" make sure you tell the people you love most EVERYDAY.. Its important not only for them to know but for you to tell.. Life is to short to be miserable..

thank you fearless

Fearless, I just wanted to thank you for your last post. It was like medicine for my soul. I am new to this sight and this is my first post. I forgot my password, so I am posting anonymously. I have been involved with my husabnd for almost four years now, married for two. We do not have any children together but each have two from our previous relationships. You really hit the nail on the head. I hate to admit it, but sometimes I just really hate that simple fact that he shares children with someone else. I guess I feel like we will always be disconnected or something. Not really sure. He has 50/50 custody with his ex, so she is a very large part of my life (unfortunately). I have never really been a jealous person, but boy, let me tell you I have felt extremely jealous, confused and very left out in a lot of situations. I can't say that I think that he would go back or anything because I really don't. We really have a great relationship. I think the whole thing just makes me uncomfortable and somtimes just a little empty inside. I am not always sure if there are boundaries there either and that also bugs me. My Dh and his ex get along just fine. A little too fine for my liking, but that is just the green-eyed monster in me rearing it's ugly head. I know it is much better for everyone involved if there are no major tensions to deal with. I get along with her fine as well. I am just not sure how to feel about things. I wonder how, or if you ever can, feel like a real family when there is so much to deal with. Any way just wanted to thank you. You are awesome!

Georgie Girl - this is me

Thanx...

Fearless, I couldn't agree with you more..but I want to add that I why I REALLY HATE having the EX around is this...she is so NICEY, NICEY, like we are one big happy friggin' family...TRUTH TOLD..she was screwing my husband's Captain when my husband was in command as a Colonel. A double slap to a guy, cheating & with a junior officer!! And, all in his command eventually knew about it as the Captain had a big mouth. DH is/was obviously clueless, wouldn't know it if it happened right before his eyes. And this wasn't the 1st time..apparently she had a long list of boy-toys over the years. And the B**** has the audacity to show her cheatin, sl*t face and act like she is the model of perfection b/c the 2 SK that give me the most heartburn DON'T KNOW ABOUT THEIR CHEATING mother!! So THEY think that DH was/is the problem, he's not perfect (don't we all know that), but he was a standup guy and took care of his family and NEVER cheated on her & treated her respectfully prior to, during & obviously AFTER the divorce. Hell, he is still friggin' nice to her.. he is in such denial!! Even M-I-L, who has called her the S word for years, suckes up to her...obviously whatever spell she is casting on all these people has not worked on me. So, I hate the hypocrisy of the situation. I come from a family of "straight shooters"...there are no secrets, no games & what you see is what you get. This crew is unbelievable. SS #1 left his wife (good decision), moved out & filed for divorce...NEVER told any of us, we found out 6 months after the divorce was FINAL. Too freakin' weird...too many smiles with a whole lot of crap behind them....so I guess the principle of the whole thing is what really grates me. How she can show her face, knowing what she did & act like some prima dona. So, we can chalk up our anger & frustration to many things..but what it comes down to as you said is living well is the best revenge. So, in the future, I plan to have the biggest damn smile on my face everytime I see her. I may have to take XANAX but I will be happy!!!

So Steve with the GUY perspective...

So how come you "Warrior/Protectors" like to protect & fight for everyone but the women they are with & are regularly crawling into bed with? Dr. Laura says you guys are simple, fed them & sex them...so how's come you don't know which side your bread is buttered on? You take up for the EX instead of the current woman in you life...you take up for your kids when they treat your current woman like dirt....all your talk makes sense in terms of how you handle & perceive relationships, but it still doesn't explain why you aka men walk all over the women they love. Is it b/c "we" let you? Should we have a major uprising of all women & toss all of you out of the bedroom & stop feeding you? Will this get your attention? So what is your response to a guy that disrespects his wife so the EX isn't offended or hurt? And before you say it's because of the kids, BS!!! I don't buy that, my DH's kids are adults with a good relationship with their Dad. So why does he take up for her instead of me?