When the mother-in-law weighs in....
Hi All,
I have just come back from my mum's house (or mom's) for those of you in the UK. 
My mother told me something that amazed me. She called my mother-in-law (MIL) today to check on her health (bad back) and she said to my mother - unsolicited.... "Just between you and me, I don't think SM and DH should have any more kids. They have one each and they can go out together and focus on their careers." My mother was a bit taken aback and said "Well that's up to them to decide on" to which my MIL replied "Oh yes, I know, but the kids can get sick, etc, etc" - obviously trying to temper what she said.
Mmmmmm, pity she didn't dole out the advice when DH was getting married and having a child with BM! She's obviously full of it now.
Honestly, I know she's entitled to her opinion, and I haven't decided yet about having more children, but I'm 38 and the clock is ticking. With the exception of the SD custody arrangements everything is fine between myself and DH and those issues are not going away any time soon. In fact, I predict the same issues will arise again and again. But is that a reason not to have another child together?
What this comment from MIL told me was that our marriage is not supported in the same way as a first marriage. There is a clear agenda that MILs can be waorried that their son will end up in the same situation as they did before - divorce and there is the fear that they may lose contact as a result with the grandchild.
I am not going to tell MIL or DH that I hold this information. After all, what would it achieve? But it just shows me that there is no support for moving on, making our own decisions.
Has anyone encountered something similar and if so, how did you deal with it?
It's funny how the jugsaw fits together when you piece together snippets of information. A few weeks ago when we were talking about children, I remember telling DH (naively and based on the positive feedback I had earlier had from his parents) that his parents would be really happy if we decided to add to the family. My DH replied at the time "do you really think so?" I didn't think too much about it at the time, but now I know the missing piece, it makes sense that she's in his ear about it.
I constantly feel like i'm on the defence about every decision we make in our marriage.
It's such a shame, becuase I can see that my relationship with SD is improving with my resolve to make more effort and thanks to the wonderful support on this website, I have taken on board advice from people like Gwen and Anne and BIOMOM and really tried to turn things around. It's not easy, but at every turn, I feel like I face a road block 
- Realist's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Oh Yes, But Much Worse
I had a horrible motherinlaw. I know its terrible to admit since shes deceased but in all honesty she was not a good person. From day one she wasn't real polite and then later on she would talk about me behind my back. Of course through other family members it would come back. I was 34 when I remarried and my husband was 40. I was probably the only decent woman he had really been with who had a degree and owned a nice home. His mother didn't like that and when I got pregnant before we announced our marriage she had a fit from what I understand. I guess she was hopeing I would go away or it was temporary. We didn't have a wedding but we also didn't get anything from her for that or when we had our child. (that was last straw) I mean this lady didn't have much class and she didn't raise the majority of her kids with any either. Lets just say her behavior or lack of etiquette was pretty shocking, but I just ended up ignoring her and really just cut her out of our lives. Life is too short to be around people like that, but it did create some problems between my husband and I. Especially around the holidays when I refused to go there. The worse thing about her was she would talk bad about me to my husband and she didn't even know me but somehow she managed to anyways. Oh well three years after we were married she passed away and it was like my husband was released from the death grip, I swear it was amazing how much better everything was. The biggest lesson I learned was there are dysfunctional people everywhere or families, and if their so toxic the only thing you can do is be rid of them because their like a bad fungus.
Good for you, Realist! I'm
Good for you, Realist! I'm so happy to hear that things with your SD are improving! You owe yourself a huge pat on the back!
I don't have any advice for dealing with a pain in the butt MIL, because I may just have the best MIL in the world. But your MIL sounds a lot like my own mother! I learned a long time ago to let whatever she says go in one ear and out the other, because she just doesn't care anything about US, it's all about HER. Don't let this woman irriate you. Your plans to reproduce or not is none of her business. As long as you and your DH are on the same page, who cares what the old bat thinks? BE HAPPY!
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
Sounds Familiar
My mother in law from my first marriage is wonderful. She and I have a mother daughter relationship in our own right that has continued after myself and her son divorce..The mother in law from my current marriage??? YUK...I hate her guts..I have only been in her presence four times in the past 7 years...
She was very upset when she found out I was pregnant with mine and Dh's son..Why? The Golden Child of course! (My step daughter)..With my Dh's family EVERYTHING is always "all about the Golden Child". She was concerned about the Golden Child havint to share HER daddy and his attention..
Is it possible that your mother in law has those concerns also???
let the eye rolling begin!
I have not experienced this type of problem, non-support from family (thank my lucky stars a thousand times a day for not-so-small-favors), so I'm not much help except to say that you just do whatever you think in your heart is right without reference to MIL's opinion! If she is a good person she will love any baby that may come along; if she is not, well, her opinion matters that much less, right?
I do (constantly) feel the distinction of being second on other levels (perhaps too much, but it's my first marriage dangggg it *whine*). Lots of ladies have said great things on other posts about why second is good, and I think I need to learn to just hang on to those things and laugh off the rest. When it comes down to it, some people are just habitually nosing around in other people's business--kinda like the mom on everyone loves raymond--and when i run into them i try to roll my eyes and move on. Is MIL someone you really respect otherwise? If not, let the eye rollin' begin!
Realist, I am really glad to hear that things are improving, and you sound so strong! ("didja think i'd crumble, didja think i'd lie down and die. no, not i, i will survive! hey hey!") Anne's right -- take a moment to feel proud of yourself! It's so good to hear good things from you.
-G
Hawaii
Just got back from Hawaii and it was the most incredible holiday. It was sooooooooo good to have time to ourselves without the constant pressures. I think we basically fell in love all over again.
Thanks for all of your comments about my blog post. I have decided to take your advice and let it be water off a duck's back. I firmly believe that mother in law is not ill-intentioned, just very keen to set her own agenda which is to push what she considers to be the interests of her grandchild (SD). However, what she also needs to consider are the things she is completely unable to understand and this is where her opinions need to be taken as a bit of fluff. I class her comments about us not having more children as no different to her telling SD that she would come and live with us when she turns 12 with no thought to SD's BM or to my husband or to me.
Yesterday we went down to see SD (staying at grandparents for school holdidays). I kept my mouth firmly shut on any topic involving our personal decision-making. That way, our business is our business. You could tell that she was itching to ask things but wouldn't and that's just how I want it
Off to read a few other's blogs,
It's always nice to come back to this site,
Realist
Damn MIL's
My MIL keeps offering to get my DH a visectomy so he doesn't have anymore kids. How is that fair to me? He has 4 kids all total. 3 are my SS's and 1 is ours together. He is only 9 months and I am not in a hurry to have another but I am young and may want one in the future. What right does she have to take that choice away from me? We live 20 min away and she barely sees her GK now. Besides, it's me birthing them and raising them and my SS's. SHe can go to hell for all I care. The day she decides if I can have anymore kids is the day I'll find another man who isn't so tied to his mommy's apron strings. So far DH has been just as angry about it and even told her that if she didn't stop, he would ahve 6 more kids just to spite her. That's funny, sure, but seriously, I have the MIL deciding we don't need anymore kids and DH trying to make me into a baby making factory. HELLO?? Don't I get a say in something so life altering? Love all my kids.
m_n_lloyd your MIL sounds like a troll
You sound remarkably patient to me.
Just block her. Don't see her. Why should you make any time for a woman who is so manipulative and rude?
LOL
You have no idea how on target you are. She very well could be a troll as she is only 4 "11", has a dumpy body and a face that would remind you of one. I blocked her yesterday. I had thaings to do, even though I knew she wanted to come over, I told her I was busy, she came anyway but I wasn't here. Thank you, that made my day.
IF IT WAS EASY, EVERYONE WOULD DO IT.