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I believe bio mom is making sd hate me

bonusmom's picture

Submitted by bonusmom on Thu, 10/05/2006 - 6:25pm

Well today I got home and hubby was not home from work yet so I checked cid and saw that sd called but did not leave message which is a little strange she usually leaves 3 or 4 in a row...anyway I spoke to hubby and he will not be home for awhile so I took it upon myself to call sd to make sure everything was ok and to let her know that I would have her dad call her when he got home...Ofcourse biomom answered she said "whats up" I said "not much is sd around" she replied in snotty way "she wanted to talk to her dad" I paused then she said "is he going to her school thing tomorrow?" I said "yes, but he isn't home right now, I will have him call her" she then put sd on the phone and its a really odd thing as I've mentioned before I used to be the one who dealt with biomom most of the time b/c her and my hubby don't get along, I also used to talk to sd pretty regularly on the phone she would say "I love you" when she hung up now talking to her is like pulling teeth, she clearly doesn't want to speak to me she only wants to talk to her dad which wouldn't bother me if it wasn't an all of the sudden thing...She even used to ask to talk to me when she was talking to her dad I can't recall the last time she did that, and if I answer the phone when she calls she is real short "IS MY DAD THERE?" real snotty, This is really bothering me b/c I believe her mother is filling her head with useless crap, the last weekend sd was here hubby had to work all day so it was just me, my son and sd all day and she said to me that when we move we are gonna forget about her and when we have another baby we will really forget about her...I reassured her the best that I could, but I honestly think her mother has said somethings to the affect of well now that your dad is married he doesn't care about you anymore, or maybe she has told her that I don't want her around, I'm not sure what the deal is but I find it strange that out of nowhere I have become someone that sd and biomom clearly don't want to speak to in any situation, I don't care about biomom all though its strange Im really concerned with sd treating me different and my hubby just thinks Im crazy has anyone else had to deal with this and if so how should I deal, Should I just give up and back off???
Bonusmom

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sheila's picture

Submitted by sheila on Thu, 10/05/2006 - 7:39pm

I;m sure you are right in that biomom is telling stories. My adult stepson was 12 when his father and I married. SS and I got along great. He enjoyed spending time with just me. We shopped, he helped me cook, we teased his dad together :o), talked about everything. He wanted to come and live with us but did not want to put his mother thru the court process. She was not a good example to him and he knew it. Anyway, all of a sudden he stopped talking to us. He would not come over, would not have anything to do with us. We asked what was wrong and he would never tell us. He just kept saying "nothing". Well, wnen he was 16 and gis g/f got pregnant, she and I met. She was real short with my husband and I and finally one day i got her to open up. Apparently biomom was upset that ss and i got along and put a stop to it. She told him that we did not want him around and i was just nice to him because I "had to be". This was sooooooooooo not true but that poor kid believed that we did not want him around. He is now 32 and it still drives me crazy that she put him through that. Needless to say, he turned into an adult and has made his own choices. He has had a very difficult time with her and pretty much has nothing to do with her.

Good Luck and DON't back down....IMHO. Talk to SD....assure her she can open up to you and if someone has said something bad, that you want to know. It sucks that people use their children to pay back the spouse. It really does render lifelong effects.

Hang in there

OldTimer's picture

Submitted by OldTimer on Fri, 10/06/2006 - 1:03am

It could easily be that BM might be 'tampering' with the views, thoughts and feelings of SD, and I agree with Sheila's post and your own thoughts, but I also wonder if perhaps she might be afraid to get attached?

For one thing, sometimes, when children warm up to a stranger, and then the sense the reactions of their own Bioparent, then all of a sudden they 'catch' themselves and try to correct it. They get insecure about it, so naturally they may gravitate to their own Bioparent. Of course, it doesn't help when the Bioparent tells them conflicting information.

So, it could be two fold here. She could be getting mixed views from her mother, and then she could also be afraid to get attached to you. Often children of seperated parents often feel in the middle. When someone new comes along the way and they feel for that person, they may feel that if they love too much, that person will disappear. So, they push themselves away. I am dealing with that myself. My SS is afraid that if he shows me any affection that it is taking away from his BM, and his BM is insanely jealous, and insecure. So, naturally, he picks up on that. The best thing to do is just ignore the reactions and focus on your relationship with her. No matter what the struggle, find a connection with her that only you and her can share.

You'll be building more confidence in her, and if she is getting fed bad info, she'll realize it. Also, assure her that she's okay, you're okay, and you're not going anyway. Perhaps open the door by discussing your fears about something when you were little/her age, and how you solved it, etc. This will give her an avenue to see that you are sharing something personal with her. Give her the oppertunity to talk and really listen to her, and repeat what you hear (in your own words) to validate her feelings, letting her know that you are listening to her and you are aware of her feelings. If she doesn't want to talk, then don't push her, just let her know you're there, and then maybe just bubbly ask her to help solve a shopping delimma, or cooking delimma, get her involved with you again. Let her think you have a real issue that only she can solve- no one else. She'll come around again. It's work but the payoff will be worth it.