DH trying to get me to re-engage
I need help.
Without writing a book..
I have been disengaged for about a year. Mostly due to SS7's behavior and personality and partially due to DH and his expiations.
DH has always wanted to have the perfect little family where we all play board games, eat fun meals and all hang out and have a great time. He for some reason can not accept that his fantasy will never be reality.. never!
SS is one of those difficult kids. No matter what is going SS will want to be the center of attention and call the shots. If he's not he will do whatever it takes to disrupt things and get all the attention.. negative or positive. SS has a very fake personality, very over the top at all times. He never shuts up.. basically a conversation with him is just being there saying "oh wow" or "that's so cool" or "that is awesome" whenever he pauses briefly from whatever he is talking about. It's exhausting having to listen to him for any length of time.
This isn't just me either, I see it with anyone that gets stuck in a 'conversation' with him. They all end saying the same "oh cool"'s etc and then try to change subject or whatever. Even DH does this. If you try to talk and speak your own mind with SS he just continues. Aside from being flat out rude and telling him to be quiet for a min there is nothing to do. And of course the only people who can (and should) guide the kid are parents.
Meal times are a joke. SS has every excuse to stop eating. Needs water, needs the bathroom, needs to blow his nose. He just simply can not sit and eat a meal without pulling a trick to get out of eating. The food doesn't matter, he does this with everything. He fidgets constantly. Drops his fork, napkin, food etc. Meal times for me are a nightmare. I can't relax and enjoy the meal with SS's antics and constant chatter.
I have been slowly interacting less and less. DH now has an issue with this and he wants us all to just be happy and enjoy life. He's making me feel like I am the whole problem and that if I would just be more involved everything with be just hunky dory.
I do not know how to tell DH to go take a jump. I do not want to be involved with SS again. SS is a chronic liar and he is frighteningly good at telling lies. He is also too over the top for my personality. I'm more calm and don't feel comfortable with crazy hyper people for too long.
I feel things were much better with me disengaged. I was blamed for less and took time to enjoy more peace and quiet. Now DH wants me back involved with the insanity. I just can't bring myself to be fake and pretend. I don't know how to stick my ground without telling DH exactly how I feel.
And we had an argument this morning about all this and I blurted out that if DH wanted to have a perfect little happy family he should have stayed with BM and made things work.. and not expect me to step in and be replacement mom for his kid.
That didn't go over well and I'm sure we'll have to talk through that later.
If DH wants you to re-engage,
If DH wants you to re-engage, it's not rocket science. He needs to address the behaviours of SS that drove you nuts. Sounds like they drive others nuts too - and if DH doesn't do something about this, SS in all likelihood will have no friends, because friendships are reciprocal. You could try suggesting that to DH. If he doesn't listen, or insists on his way or the highway, then I think it's basically the highway.
Truth.
Truth.
It is not possible to live up
It is not possible to live up to the picture of a 'perfect family' even for intact families. DH needs to chill and you can guys can build a happier life without measuring it to some impossible expectation of what a successful family is.
It is okay not to love or even like the skids, they can be annoying, gross, filthy, lazy, and sneaky this is hell when you have a Disney Dad who won't hear anything about The Precious. What you have to figure out is how to tolerate them and what can be done to support you and have your needs met as well. Communicate, discuss and create a fair agreement with DH to make it so. If DH gives attitude or doesn't meet his end of the bargain then disengage. Surely if he wants a happy family life then he will put in the effort to make it so.
"never shuts up.. basically a
"never shuts up.. basically a conversation with him is just being there saying "oh wow" or "that's so cool" or "that is awesome" whenever he pauses briefly from whatever he is talking about. It's exhausting having to listen to him for any length of time."
Oh, so someone else has a skid like this! I thought it was only me!
Sorry, that's not advice. It's just that I never met anyone who totally gets it quite like this. And therefore I also feel like I must disengage. Partly because if I were being honest about it, I'd say something like, "Guess what? Not every conversation needs to be about you!" or, "try asking a real question about someone or something else for a change and see what you learn." Or "not every thing you do is worthy of my praise and attention!"
But then she'd cry. Or my DH would be pissed at me, so I just paste this blasé look on my face and say, "Oh, that's so cool." Or "good job, honey!" and so does everyone else. But the faking- yes- it's exhausting. StepRightOff is totally right - we shouldn't HAVE to pretend, we should be able to express ourselves as real parents. When my kids act like idiots I don't clap for them or say, "That's SO GREAT, Sweetie!" - I tell them to stop interrupting or that's not very interesting.
You husband wants his idea of a perfect family but forgets that in "perfect families" ACTUAL parenting occurs.
The ball is in DH's court. He
The ball is in DH's court. He fixes his kids unacceptable behavior, steps up and parents, and once he proves his effectiveness as a decent parent... then and only then do you even consider re-engaging with his spawn. One violation and you are back on the disengagement throne.
At least that is how I would present the situation... no discussion. Just royal SParent decrees.
What exactly does he want you
What exactly does he want you to do with regards to re-engaging? Board games? - well you could try but the instant the brat acts up you stop and remove yourself. Meals together - same thing. Sit down and try but immediately get up if the behaviors are unacceptable.
Not that you need to keep doing that - but after 2-3 attempts you can just be done until your DH makes some changes. Not that one can ever expect a 7 year old to be perfectly behaved. That's just not realistic. But there needs to be some semblance of sanity.
I honestly don't know how one is supposed to just accept what is unacceptable.
No do not re-engage.... and
No do not re-engage.... and nothing wrong in telling DH , I'm not his mother Hon, I'm not a parent and thus not responsible for him..
The only reason DH wants you to re-engage is to take over as a parent so he can sit back and be the fun guy in the house, DH does not want to parent, he's not parenting at all, and he's not teaching his kid anything... he wants you to do it, remain disengage..
Tell Dh you will help him the day he gets his son to sit still at dinner table, stop talking so much and listen to other people as well, oh and SS should stop making up stories.....
"DH does not want to
"DH does not want to parent..."
EXACTLY.