Do not do this to yourself. I was 25 and childless when I met my DH.

You can find a man without a kid and share firsts together. Don't settle for less when you know this isn't right for you. It never gets better, never. There is always drama. Are you going to be leaving your house every weekend for the next 15 years?

You don't want anything to do with the child and don't want her in your life?
You don't really want to be a stepmom or have a blended family?
You think things won't change and will probably get more difficult as the kid gets older?
If this kid didn't exist there'd be no doubt about your relationship?

The child will be part of your life for ever- no doubt about that one.
You don't have to be a stepmom- you can choose to walk away.
Things won't change and they will get worse.
The kid exists- the child you speak of is entitled to have a loving relationship with both parents even if they are not together. I think for the sake of this child you should get out and find yourself someone who doesn't yet have children.

This dynamic will never change as they age, and even when they are adults (the nonbio with be coming right along to see dadddeeee too). It never ends.

You have no children and you are not dependent on this man. You will suffer miserably as long as you are with him. Get out while you can, you deserve much better and find a man with no children who will always put you first. Like one poster says, have your firsts with another person having firsts too!

When I was your age I dated a great guy. He made me laugh. I loved his friends. He treated me like gold. We had the best times ever. But he was divorced with a young daughter. I never met the daughter or the ex.

The guy wanted to marry me very, very much. But although I was crazy about him and loved dating him - I never once considered marrying him. I just did not want to marry a man with a child - so I didn't. I never regretted that decision.

1.The kid DOES exist. The Kid is REAL
2.There is no" perfect for eachother without the kid"-see above -accept above
3.If you love this man you will not put him in the heartwrenching position of having to choose between the woman he loves and the child he loves(if you were in his shoes what would you want?)
4. Read some of the blogs here for enlightenment(many of the peiple here started out wanting their family to function and accepting the skids)
5. I believe at 25(?) you can find a wonderfully perfect mate whose first children you would be happy to have
My advice: honor your wants and end the relationship.

"I want nothing to do with the child and don't want her in my life. I don't really want to be a step mom or have a blended family. It hurts me to see my soul mate be a dad to someone else's kid and I hate seeing him hold her or them cuddling. I don't want to be the second person he has children with either."

^^^
You have already answered your own question as to the nature of this relationship. You don't want to be in a relationship with this man, even though you love him. It is not going to work long term because you are either compromising things you want or hold dear, or you are blaming your SO because he can not rewrite history.

You are 25, in school and childfree. Why on earth do you want to saddle yourself with a man who can not give you what you want? (To be his first wife, to have a first child together, to also be childless like you?) It is already a bad start and will have a commonly sad ending: divorce or break up.

You can not wish away his child. Whether you or he wants this child is irrelevant: she exists. If you do not have the mental strength and maturity to deal with the baggage that comes with this man, then end it. Walk away - you already listed the reasons why this relationship is wrong for you. Why dont YOU believe YOU?

As to soul mates? You can believe this romanticised version of relationships if you wish. Please do know that your soul mate was the soul mate of someone else a few short years back... People can have successful relationships with many varied people if they are compatible on various levels. The idea of romanticised love is probably the least successful basis for this - and makes me question if you are ready to actually marry anyone at all, given this (unrealistic) way you are looking at your current relationship.

As to this man? He should actually be ashamed of himself. His ex "trapped" him, "poked holes in the condom"? Really?? What does the ex say about this because I sincerely doubt it is true. Ever heard her side of events? If SO didn't want to have children with his ex, he shouldn't have had sex with her in the first place. End of story. No excuses. No lies.
I doubt ex forced him or raped him, so this excuse of his is quite disgusting and should be tossed in the trash heap where it belongs. Also. he is not being punished by his ex on the child support issue. He is legally obligated to pay to maintain the living costs of the child. It isn't the ex being vengeful. This is the legal obligation of a parent towards a child - and it will be in place until the child is 18 (normally) unless modified. So add to your list that this man will have his pay cheque sliced to support a child you don't want to be around.

Please understand this, if nothing else: The problem (for you) is not the child or the ex. The "problem" is the choices and history of your SO.

You already have doubts about the fit of this relationship for you. There are factors you can not change. If you don't like it now, walk away. It takes more than love to make a relationship work. I love chocolate: I don't want to be married to it. You have a choice to find peace with what you can not change. Or you find the courage to walk away.

I don't believe the condom story either.

Why are you still in the picture? Are you secretly hoping he dumps his kid for you? If he did, he'd resent you for it.

Most of the women on here don't have any jealousy issues. We are on here for the real problems of stepparenting. You haven't' even gotten to the hard part yet, and you are already unhappy. The BS that is yet to come for you is already more than most of us can handle, the jealousy on top of all that is too much for anyone. Even if this kid were a perfect angel, you would resent her for having needs, being a financial drain, and intruding into your life. But she won't be an angel. Multiply the problems you will have by 100 if the ex is psycho (she sounds like it), and the child is a girl, which she is. The ex will cause drama in your life too.

Run. Run now. Do not pass go. Do it for the child's sake. Do it for yours.

You are not soul mates girl.... google the meanings of soul mate...

"1.
a person with whom one has a strong affinity, shared values and tastes, and often a romantic bond: "

1 : a person who is perfectly suited to another in temperament
2 : a person who strongly resembles another in attitudes or beliefs

ideological soul mates

1 : a person who is perfectly suited to another in temperament
2 : a person who strongly resembles another in attitudes or beliefs

ideological soul mates

The 10 Elements of a Soulmate:

It’s something inside
Flashbacks. If your partner is your soulmate, chances are he or she has been present in your past lives
You just get each other. Ever met two people who finsh each other’s sentences
You fall in love with his (or her) flaws
It’s intense.
You two against the world.
You’re mentally inseparable
You can’t imagine your life without him (or her
You look each other in the eye.

see you do not love his flaws, he's not protecting you.... so please stop saying you are soul mates, you are not, you lowered your values for some guy.. why??

And another thing. Take it from someone who wasted her youth on the wrong guy:

You will be at least 40 when this child launches, and yet still this child will be in your life forever. You will look back and wonder why you wasted your youth on someone else's problems. You will regret wasting those years. Then you will look forward and know that all events, all future Christmases, will be shared with this child and her future spawn, with BM playing her games all along, the the energizer bunny of psychos, these women never get tired of their BS. SD's future family may very well be hostile towards you. Your man may attend these events without you, leaving you and your children to celebrate without him. If you have a child with him and divorce, you will spend half your holidays with your own children.

Think on that.

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

Even if he did dump his kid he's still responsible for her. He'll be paying child support for at least 15 more years and maybe through college. Some men say they are *dumping* their kids and then sneak off and see them in secret. If anything happens to BM he either has to take her on full time or put her in a foster home.

You love him, he's probably great in bed but your lifestyles do not mesh at all. You have different goals and values. He'll never be just dad to your child he's going to be dad to sd and her sibling as well. I'm a few decades older than you so let my experience save you some pain. This relationship will only bring you heartache. You'll always be unhappy and regret your choice if you choose to stay with him and attempt to blend.

He may have been duped or he may be lying and didn't use protection while sleeping w/her. Either way he has a kid thats real and that will be around for a long time.

Picture this - fast forward 10 years and the brat is now a mini wife lounging on her dad and competing with you in every way for attention. Stealing your clothes and make up, leaving her food and garbage all over the house, lying...

Ex wife, non stop texting your "soul mate" about something you said to the little princess that she didn't like.

I have 3 SDs, GET OUT NOW!!!

Where the heck do you live that "everyone" has kids at 25-30? I would bet most in at your law school do not, and isn't that who you associate with mostly?

Regardless, there are 40+ guys out there without kids. I know, because I dated plenty of them after I left.

You really need to break this off, nothing but unpleasant daily life (pretty much) in your future if you don't.

I remember that Friday late afternoon feeling *shudder*

Please do yourself the best favor you ever could and leave this relationship, you won't even barely remember their names in a few years

Searching... You are a young woman with a full life ahead of her. Do not saddle yourself with a man with kids. If you have to leave every weekend that the child is there, it is definitely not the right situation for you. Find a man that can devote himself to you and you alone. That is what I would have told my younger self because it isn't worth the heartache.

It will be hard to leave but you must. For yourself and his child.

Go back and re-read your original post then make the decision on whether or not this guy is your "soul mate". Hint: He's not! And you aren't his either.

If he were your soul mate and your equity life partner he would make you and his relationship with you his only top priority. And you would do the same. Equity life partnership includes being equity parents to any children in your home regardless of kid biology. Each other and the relationship are the unequivocal top priority. Children are the top relationship responsibility but never the top priority.

Things in a blended family marriage don't just get better or fix themselves. It takes considered and concerted action to fix things and keep them on track. If you and Mr. Wonderful Soul Mate are not equity life partners then you are completely right. Things wont work out, get better, etc... even if both of you work on it. Only if you commit and focus on your equity life partnership including being equity parents to SD and any future children you have together will this work.

Not that a blended family marriage can't be a wonderful thing. It can. But.... it is more work than is imaginable by anyone who has not lived it. So, are you ready to go all in and be your Mr SoulMate's equity life partner? Of equal importance.... are you confident that he is ready to go all in and put you and your relationship first above all else including his XW and her manipulative crap, the SD and all she entails, and don't forget... are you capable of being a mother to your SD, providing and protecting her best interests when she is in your home and with you, and are you willing to compromise your "core values" and have children with someone who has "been there and done that" before and without you.

So... whatcha gonna do?

Good luck.

No way in this world that you should consider staying with a man when you despise his child of 3 years old.

You are young enough that you can find a better match. He has a responsibility to that life he created (no matter whether he was trapped or not... which is often a line fed to the step parent btw). He could potentially have full custody at some point. If you can't be a part of this kid's life, do everyone a favor and move on.

I know there are some on here that live separate from their spouse due to Skid issues. Personally, I wouldn't live that way. If my spouse couldn't ensure I was welcome in our marital home... I wouldn't consider that person a good spouse for me. Every situation is different, so I am not judging those people and in fact, it may work well for some. But... going into this at 25 with a toddler in the mix. Nope.