Scared To Be Comapred...Second Hand Feelings
Something has been making my stomach sick for the past few days and although it should be filled with happy thoughts I can't seem to get the idea out of my head. My BF and I of almost two years have had the most perfect relationship anyone could ask for, our kids get along perfectly as well as our families and we just recently had a baby of our own to complete our family. Lately talk about getting married has popped up here and there and although I have never been married before he has. Although it will be special for both of us, what goes through my head is he already had that moment with someone else, and I feel like its all going to be second hand feelings.
He already promised to love someone, and that they were soul-mates and all those special thoughts & feelings were already bestoed to someone. He already proposed to someone and is hesitant to even walk by the spot he did it at( he doesn't make it obvious but I can tell ) and I feel that it runs through his head when someone even mentions getting married.
Im so sad with the idea that Ill be at the chapel and all thats going to be going through his head is what his last wedding was like and that the vows he'll give to me will be second hand.
Its really hard to think about marrying him, because when I do all I get is that feeling again, as if its not going to mean as much or be as powerful or memorable as his first relationship & marriage was.
His Ex tothis day still makes an effort to say that she was his first wife and that her and their son are still a family ( she has not let go yet ) so I feel as i I am on the backburner when it comes to handling this.
Im sure that most of the members can relate to this, but what do you do to get past this and try to look onto the happy feelings that should come with such a big moment in someones life?
Not necessarily so.
This is my first marriage and DHs 3rd. His 1st two were courthouse weddings with no friends or family there. He and I had a beautiful wedding, which to this day almost 8 years later, people still talk about when someone mentions marriage. When DH got his first glance of me at the beginning of the aisle he cried and all you could hear through the mic were his sniffles and emotion. This set me off on a crying fit (what a mess I was). Ours was an emotional and fun wedding. If you asked him, he would say that yes he travelled the path, but somehow this road is different. Neither of the first two marriages lasted past 3 years, he and I are coming up on 8.
If he truly loves you and things are great, he will actually cherish you even more because he knows the bitter side. I'm not saying that there won't be bumps in the road, but for me they were worth it to experience what DH and I have. So, don't feel second rate, you are actually better than the previous ones because you can see and accept him with all of his baggage and flaws. A good man appreciates the woman that he KNOWS has his back. Don't put limits on your relationship or love for one another. Just communicate, communicate, communicate and love each other to pieces.
Step Mother's Motto this week is:
You don't have to LOVE me, you don't even have to LIKE me... But you will RESPECT me.
Just because...
you're not the first doesn't mean you're not the BEST.
I 'dare to compare' all the time and you know who always makes me feel better? Me. I have him LAST even though I didn't have him FIRST.
Think of it like your first kiss. Sure it was your first kiss and all the hooplah that goes with it....but nothing compares to the kiss that will last forever.
Make your life about YOU not compare it to a past one that he obviuosly left behind.
Hugs to you. I know it's hard.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Think of it like buying a house...
... she was the "starter wife:, and now he's moved on up to the "estate" model!! I believe I heard that from someone on this site, and now I use it all the time (works for FH and my EXH as well!).
And truely, since his marriage to bm went down like the Titanic, if he IS comparing the two of you, he's probably thinking more along the lines of "thank God AngelCakes isn't like bm", 'cause if that's what he wanted, he would have stayed with her.
Hang in there!!
I understand....
when my now DH started talking about marriage, we had BOTH been married before, I had the same feelings you have now. I was worried that because his first marriage had such an impact on him, and his ex was slow at letting go, that it would overshadow our special day.....he married her at a pretty gazebo, in Fl. and everytime we drove by it he commented on how he wanted to torch it, ha ha. BUT, I could not be more wrong about my worries. When he did propose to me it was very special, and the day we got married and the time leading up to that I will never forget.....he kept saying "this is the way it's supposed to be" and " this is how it feels to really be in love". We ended up marrying eachother twice! The second time was on the beach, with our whole family there, and a bunch of other people in a indian drum circle. It was the best day of both of our lives, because it was "US". Thats what makes it, not the act itself....but who you do it with. At that time , no one and nothing els in the world matters."~waiting on the world to change~"
Along with a good laugh,
Along with a good laugh, that really helps see it better ladies, I really appreciate it I really do. Don't need to be the first, but the last. I just hope that the EX wife doesn't show up, shes pretty vain like that... might have to make it her last wedding if she does lol
AngelCalkes, If she does
show up, that's when you have your "girls" ta handle ya bizness. Have them prepared to take off the earrings, slip on some tennis shoes and vaseline down so they can put a beat down on her. Oh, okay come back, come back I mean you have your girls escort her off the premises and inform her that she is not welcome. :0
In all seriousness though, if you really think there is a possibility that she may try to crash, you have your ushers alerted to look out for her. Have a designated person handle it if it should come to that and you two don't even have to know about it. Forewarn others ahead of time even have a picture if need be and make her a$$ feel like she hanging up in a post office somewhere. Enjoy your day.
Step Mother's Motto this week is:
You don't have to LOVE me, you don't even have to LIKE me... But you will RESPECT me.
I'm on the other side of the
I'm on the other side of the coin, it'll be my second, his first (though I'm still a stepmom!)
Just remember, it cuts both ways, the regret you feel, he feels too. I wish I could share this "first" with my F, and it's sad that I can't. Sad that we can't afford the big wedding with all the bells and whistles I had the first time. But I can't go back, all I can do is learn from the past, and appreciate what I have now. Same is true with your FH... 
Mixed feelings
My DH was married before and it does hurt to see their wedding photo, he looked so happy. But from that point on, he was systematically beaten down until he was broken into a million pieces by their situation. I know what you mean but, they got divorced for a reason, a lot of them.
Before our wedding I was worried if he really loved me, etc. and he was a little gun-shy about saying I love you, etc. as often as or the way I wanted, but we did it and everything was fine after that. It is just nerves and natural fear of repeating a mistake that makes the one who has done it before less vocal. Divorce is so painful they don't want to ever do it again.
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
My dh tells me all the time
My dh tells me all the time that he is totally amazed at how little he remembers of his marriage to bm. He says its almost like it never happened. From talking to others who have been married before, it sounds like this is a common thing. I think as time passes his memories of her and their life will fade, and you won't be compared at all.
wow
i feel the exact same way. my bf and i got into a painful (for me) discussion about this just the other night. we were watching something on tv where a very elderly couple was talking about their wonderful marraige, which made me tear up thinking of having that with my bf someday, but the woman had been married before her current husband and she made a bad comment about her ex husband and my bf's only reaction to all this was to say "i wonder if when i'm old, bm will be talking about me that way." this just broke my heart because while i was thinking about the days when we're old and gray, i teared up thinking about he and i, and all that was on his mind was bm.
he has made comments also about for example a country song that he heard on his way home from work a few days ago and he said that even though he doesn't like that particular music this song made him cry. when i asked him why he said it was because it was played at his wedding and it made him think back to how happy he was on that day and how far away those days are now.
it hurts my feelings when he makes this comment because it makes me think that our wedding day will be the happiest day of my life, but that she is all that will be on his mind. i really don't know how to help you feel any better because i have the same problem. but i honestly didn't know that this was normal and that other people have the same issues. i hope it helps you to know that you're not alone in your feelings.
its so understandable where
its so understandable where you are comming from because i feel it in my guts every time there is something that reminds him of her, and how i wonder why there arent things that remind him of me that are that powerful. I don't think that there could be a moment that would make me think that it was his first,so he'd remember it forever, but it all kind of seems second hand you know, like you'll have a great "moment" but it makes you wonder if they shared that with their ex and therefore they are reminicing about them rather than induldging in the time with you. Same goes for getting married, I would hate our moment to be blinsighted by old memories about how happy he was with "her" on "thier" day.... I would be heartbroken
MY take
I have always believed that if you don't hold up your end of the deal, whatever it may be, you break the contract.
To me marriage, and love are a contract. If both spouses don't hold up their end of the deal, they can't expect the other to honor the contract. Feelings fade, bitterness and lonliness set in, and when there is infidelity, all bets are off.
So, when I got married last month, for the second time, I did not have a single thought enter my head about either my or my DH's previous marriages.