how do I NOT end up being a BM that the step mom hates???
I have been re-married for a few years now and my ex has only recently come to terms with it. now he is getting re-married. he has never allowed his fiance and i to have any relationship at all. she does not speak to me and when we are at the same functions (for my kids), she disappears fast so i never have a chance to talk to her. now that she is going to be my kids' step-mom, i feel it is important that we communicate. i don't need (or want) to be her bff or anything, just to be friendly enough to communicate. i have no idea what she has been told about me over the three years they have been dating, so i don't know if she is just scared to talk to me or if she thinks i am some horrid person... also, my two sons can't stand her because they think she is mean to their father and she doesn't have control of her three daughters (one of which recently ran away to live with boyfriend at athe age of 16, but has since returned) don't know what to do and need help here... just want things to be smooth...
I agree completely! Have
I agree completely! Have lunch with her, meet, greet, talk, keep it light. Do not discuss your ex. Talk about kids... parenting... you have a lot in common. If you are friendly and inviting, she may very well respond in kind. I am now friendly with my kids SM and you know, i do not like her at all but i keep up the facade for everyone's benefit. I prefer dealing with her to dealing with my ex... sort of.
It is all about having a working relationship, as dog person has said.
It takes some effort to maintain it despite different POVs, scheduling conflicts, etc. Still, as my grandmother used to say, a bad peace is better than a good fight.
Good luck!
I also wanted a communicative
I also wanted a communicative relationship with my XH's gf, now wife and mother of my bios half brother. We met a couple times, she seems nice, my girls like her, I was polite, I always wave to her, I otherwise do not exist in their lives whatsoever. My XH doesn't pay CS and only has my kids EOW plus Mondays so there is no real contact.
She used to attend my girls sporting events until she got pregnant. I have not seen her since I heard she was pregnant, not once, not at any event or even in the car for pickups, nothing - their baby will be almost a year old shortly. Its like she disappeared off the face of the earth - my daughters barely mention her name anymore and I noticed that if my XH does take my girls anywhere, SM doesn't go. My XH has asked me on occassion to keep the girls on one of his nights because he had to work which means the SM is not willing to watch my girls.
I don't think my bios are bad to her - I discussed with them early on that that they were to respect her and treat her like they do my DH - I command respect from them to my DH always. I am really not certain what happened.
Honestly, I'd rather deal with her than my XH anyway - lol. So, I am pretty darn sure I am not a bad BM - The last thing I contacted my XH about was the start date of school a few weeks back and to let him know the kids were ready - (not like he pays anything towards any of it anyway) and the time before that was a few months back before the girls went on vacation to tell him I was sending the travel documentation to be notarized so they could get through immigration. So 3 texts over 3 months isn't very intrusive. Hell, I didn't even ask my loser XH for money for back to school...
Anyway - she seems very intimidated by me, I try not to get in her face and just be polite. It is what it is...
I actually kind of feel sorry for her, I know what my XH is like and I wish I could have told her ahead of time.... sigh.
I am grateful for all of your
I am grateful for all of your advice and stories. I really like your advice dtzyblnd and that is kind of what i was leaning toward anyway. but i am intrigued by the idea of inviting her to coffee or lunch... question though. what do i say? how do i invite her and what do i talk about? i just don't think it's appropriate to start off with, "hey, just want you to know i'm not a b*tch" hahaha
I would not invite her for
I would not invite her for coffee or lunch. Be polite when you see her, but otherwise deal with your ex and maintain distance - sounds like that is what she would prefer too.
Stay out of her relationship with your ex and how she raises her kids. As long as she isn't beating, starving, or abusing your kids while they are with her, it really isn't your business and she as a new family with your ex. What you talk about with your kids will eventually get back to her and cause issues and if you allow them to report to you about her, it will color any friendship they have with her. Their loyalty is to you first and if they think you like hearing that sort of negative talk, they will continue it, which isn't fair. Sorry - thats really how I feel about it.
Redsonya, just to clarify, i
Redsonya, just to clarify, i would never pump my kids for info about her. i would never meddle in her relationship with my exH. and i would never get involved with how she raises her kids. i know it's none of my business... i have never asked my kids about her. my kids are old enough that they talk to me on their own (bs14, bs12, bd9) and they have told me these things on their own. i never bad mouth her, no matter what i hear. in fact, i asked my boys to promise me that as long as she is good to them, they will be good to her. i wasn't wanting anything like what you are talking about... not talk to her because i want in the middle of what's going on when my kids are with her... just want to lay the ground for a good co-parenting relationship, that's all
Sorry - I realized that my
Sorry - I realized that my reply came across to harsh. I had the same feelings as you when I was playing super stepmom last year. I was really nice to BM. She would come to DH's family events (the first time I met her was at his sister's babyshower) and she was pretty rude. She flipped out when DH moved in with me, flipped out when we got married, and was just a general pain in the ass for about nine months. We eventually made friends and as soon as we did, she tried to include me on her badmouthing of DH, used me as a go between - calling me to "confide" in me that she was going to request supervised visitation. This was only because we had the nerve to ask the courts to alternate holidays with the skids.
I really don't think a BM and SM can be friendly. There are too many loyalty issues and too much wierdness. Work out your co parenting issues with your ex and realize that with a new wife in the picture, you are going to have less say. It will likely develop into separate parenting decisions made at each house.
probably best that i don't
probably best that i don't push the issue with her then... she may feel that way too. i would like it to be different, but i am getting the picture she may not want to communicate. maybe it's not about her not liking me, but about her leaving it up to exH to "deal" with me...lol... thanks for the perspective
As long as you keep it 100%
As long as you keep it 100% about the children I agree with others about inviting her to coffee or lunch. When my husband's ex-wife was pretending to be a mom and wanted to communicate with me about the children, I was completely open to it. After all, I am raising her children. We should be able to communicate. But if she says no, do not press the issue. She may not be as mature as a mother (or step-mother) should be and it is better just to not communicate.
Thank you. You sound like you
Thank you. You sound like you have been there! lol... I have told me boys it's none of their business how she raises her children and I have told them to be nice to her. I know they are nice. I think if she senses they don't like her, it has to be subtle because I really don't believe my boys are treating her badly. they even acted happy about the upcoming wedding. i think they just confide in me. make sense? and i have never and would never tell their father how they feel about her because i would never want to cause trouble for her or for them. their relationship is their business and i do not have any desire to get involved in that. i think the best thing is to sit back and let things unfold how they will here. i don't want to intimidate her or make her feel uncomfortable or put any pressure on her at all! i think maybe i expected too much too soon here and i have learned from reading everyone's responses that i need to not push it. thanks to all! you have all been helpful for now, i am just going to sit back when it comes to the new stepmom and i will continue to encourage my boys to give her a chance.
It seems to me like she's
It seems to me like she's made it clear she's not very interested in communicating with you just yet. While I understand the concept behind inviting her to lunch or for coffee, I think it may be a bad idea.
Let her come around on her own terms. If you force yourself on her, no matter how noble and innocent your intentions are, you will create stress/drama where none currently exists.
At most, I would send an email or note stating that when she felt comfortable, you would like the chance to speak with her.
Being a SM who was actively pursued by a BM to "meet" and "chat" .. I know how awkward and uncomfortable it is .. granted, our BM is pretty psycho.
I am a SM and personally have
I am a SM and personally have no desire to have any type of relationship with BM. Maybe it is because of all the crap she has put DH and I through- flipping out when she found out he had a girlfriend, then again when we moved in together, then again when we got engaged, then again when we got married, calling DH for every little thing that had nothing to do with SD, telling SD bad things about me.. you get the picture. If I could give any advice, it would just to be civil with her. BM really doesn’t give me any trouble anymore but I think it is just because we didn’t give her the attention she wanted and she wasn’t successful in breaking us up. Obviously all BMs are not like this, but that has been my experience. So now that all that bs is over, I have absolutely no desire to be friends- or even be friendly- with her. I do not see her. I do not speak to her. We live separate lives. If things had been different in the beginning, maybe our relationship would be different now, but I just cannot get over all she put DH and I through. Honestly, I almost left on several occasions because I just didn’t want to deal with it anymore. I don’t think I will ever forgive her for almost tearing my husband and I apart.
DO NOT ever try to to
DO NOT ever try to to undermine the stepmom.
Do not talk badly about her
Do not get your husband or your partner to attack the stepmom in any way
Do not mouth-off to the stepmom at any time, especially in front of your kids
Do not undermine the relationship between the stepmom and the children EVER. They will resent you for it.
Stepmoms are people that Biomoms are lucky to have.
Because they chose to care and love children, when they didn't have to.
Be thankful for her in your children's life, and thank her for ANYTHING she does for your children (that means driving them to things, watching their events, cooking for them, being involved in any way).
If a Biomom is a good parent, she will approach the stepmom and say 'hi, I'd like us to get off to the right start. I don't have any problem with you and hope that you will love my children as I love them. I'd like to work together and co-parent as a team. Thank you for being in my children's lives'
Anything else will not only cause resentment and huge problems down the road....
But is indicative of poor mothering on a grand scale.