DOES BM THINK WE ARE MADE OF MONEY???
For those who have not "met" me here, I am fairly new to this. I have 3 kids (14, 13, 9) and DH has 2 (15, 12). Being a divorcee with kids, I know how decrees work. DH's decree says he has to pay half of any medical OOP expenses. He also pays $700 per month in CS. BM has full custody. BM is also remarried and has a dual income home (as do we). None of us are rich by ANY means! Having 5 kids between DH and I, we have to be realistic in what we will allow the children to do financially. SD15 went on a trip to Chicago (we are in OK) with her school band last spring. When my son (14) started school this year, he brought home information about an orchestra trip to Washington DC and DH and I decided that since we sent SD last year, it is his turn this year. Fair, right? Well, now there is a band trip for SD's school to LONDON next year and the school wants us to pay $300 per month so she can go. DH and I talked it over and it's just not feasible to send both kids on trips this year and we both agreed it's fair that SD went last year so my son gets to go this year. Problem is, he hasn't said anything to BM about this decision so SD now thinks she is going and BM assumes we are paying for half of her trip! On top of that, BM ordered glasses for SS12 that cost us $180 OOP this week PLUS she sent an email saying since she paid $115 for SS's band stuff last week, she is going to "let" us pay for SD's cheer stuff this week! DH is not under any obligation to pay for any of this (except the glasses, which he had no say in the price of). We could have gone somewhere else to get the glasses cheaper, but BM really pushed for the Ed Hardy frames! BTW, SS has lost 2 pair of glasses already!!! I am so frustrated and DH has said NOTHING to BM about it. I feel these extra things for the kids is what her CS is for. That is what I use mine for! I don't know what to say to DH to convince him to talk to BM (who is a real pain to deal with and will try to say he is choosing my kids over hers etc). We cannot afford to keep doing this and I am afraid he is going to keep quiet until it is past the point of no return and we end up paying for stuff we can't afford. Help!
I should add that we paid for
I should add that we paid for help of the Chicago trip last year
Well, my belief is this: Your
Well, my belief is this:
Your kids have you and their father to support them, pay for them, etc.
DH's kids have himself and BM.
I don't see where your kids/his kids need things to be even in your home. You and your XH should split the costs and expenses for your children, and your DH and his XW should do the same.
I have a sneaking suspicion, based on personal experience, that DH will wind up paying half of the London trip. Either because he wants to or because the court will make him.
I agree with you about XH/me
I agree with you about XH/me and DH/BM paying for things. The thing is, even with only paying half of the trip for my son, DH and I simply do not have the money to pay for SD's London trip as well. The only possible way to be able to afford it would be to tell my son he cannot go. These trips are not cheap and I don't see a court forcing DH to pay for it when it is not in his decree to do so. This is an extra...not required for school at all. By not paying, he is not in any sort of contempt. BM will only keep spending money DH does not have in order to get what she wants unless he stands up to her and says, "I can't afford it". She has $700 per month in CS, plus DH always pays his half of the OOP medical AND half or more of everything else the skids want. When is enough, enough? I have to tell my kids NO, why can't they?
We just put our foot down
We just put our foot down with BM this summer. She wanted $1200 per kid (I have 2 skids) for a sport activity! I told my DH, no we can't afford it. If she wants to pay that's up to her but their are plenty of other sports that don't cost an arm and a leg that they can be in. DH told BM no, she was all huffy and pissed off but she didn't sign them up! She picked a sport that cost way less and we agreed to pay half of that! We pay for half of extracurriculars but it's not required per our CO. My DH kindly reminded BM of that and that she had to give us a heads up if she wanted us to help pay for an extracurricular and not just hand us a bill! Cause we'll just hand it right back with a nope were not paying! You didn't inform us before you agreed to the extracurricular!
Your DH needs to start saying no and if it's not in the CO, remind BM that it's not required and it's out of the goodness of his heart that he helps pay for extras.
I told my DH that the goodness train was about to end if he didn't tell her no we can't afford that cost!
If you're convinced that DH
If you're convinced that DH won't be ordered to pay the half, then I'd send your kid. If BM sends SD, then that's on her.
I would mention to her that DH won't be paying half, though, especially if she's been paying half all along. A little head's up would be nice.
Of course, is your DH fully prepared for the fallout of sending your son on a trip and NOT sending SD? I'm sure alllll sorts of accusations will fly. Can he handle it?
No, I don't think he can
No, I don't think he can handle it. He has been so controlled by BM for so long that he doesn't have the first clue how to stand up to her. I would never ask him to choose my child over his own. This situation is not about that. If we could afford both, we would do both in a heart beat! I would love to be able to that for them both. Just can't. And I feel this decision was made fairly. She went on one and he gets to go on one. I don't think I should be the one to say anything to BM. I think he should.
And, I am not positive the
And, I am not positive the court wouldn't make him pay...unless he could prove he doesn't have the money or that it would cause a hardship etc. Does anyone have experience with this sort of thing? What would the court do? I don' think it would go to court, but what if?
We got f*cked. BM has gotten
We got f*cked. BM has gotten every penny she's ever asked for... even the ridiculous crap.
So you guys have joint finances? I guess that's the big question. Did you contribute to the cost of SD's trip last year? Would you be expecting DH to contribute to DS's trip this year?
yes joint finances. Hard to
yes joint finances. Hard to say exactly who contributed, because it all goes into one pot and comes out of one pot... mistake maybe... ugh
I'm not sure if its unfair
I'm not sure if its unfair crazy ass laws....or really unfair crazy ass judges.
YAY you! Congrats that you
YAY you! Congrats that you only have 2 more years or 24 months..hmm....which one sounds better? LOL
yes she does think you are
yes she does think you are made of money. ours does. I want so badly to paperclip monopoly money to our tree outside and send it to her. Telling her yep that's our money tree right there. You see that.... thats the money we have..... WHICH IS NONE!!!!!!! WHY? Because it goes to her..... so no we can't GIVE YOU MORE!