I was extremely naive and went in as Mom. I really thought I could make a difference in SD17's life. That was almost 10 years ago...I quickly learned though that it doesn't work that way. Or it didn't in my situation. 

I initially went in as just the wife.  One year later, SS came for a visit turned permanent resident.  I thought DH was a parent but he's more a friend and pity pal.  It's been 5 years down the line and I have figured out I cannot be the only parent.  SS has 2 parents already and that doesn't include me.  One parent is more concerned about chasing money and d*ck.  The other parent means well but is more a pal than a father.

Not my problem anymore.  I now treat SS as the skid who lives upstairs.

I definitely went in as wife and co-head of household.  I didn't have kids of my own and honestly had no interest in taking on the role of "mom".  In fact, I asked my DH at least 3 times if he had kids.. the final time he asked why i kept asking him and I told him it was I was hoping the answer would change...lol.

Ultimately, as co-head of household, I did things to care for the kids and because they were my DH's children, I tried to take an interest in them.  They were 5 and 9 when we met.  Occasionally I would do parent type stuff.. but generally let DH deal with all that. 

All in all things worked fairly well.  DH was usually open to my suggestions and let me have my own rules in our home.  He didn't overburden me with babysitting duties and the girls were for the most part not terrible to have around and we got along decently. It's kind of a miracle considering his EX was a hydra monster.

I, too, went in as the wife and (I thought) partner.  I never expected that his adult child would be allowed to rule our household. Then, duirng an argument over DH going back on his word to me because of something his son wanted, DH blurted out "I want to put you first but not at the expense of my family."  And now we are divorced.

I went in as a savior, lmao! ExH spun me a tall tale of 2 wicked BMs who withheld the skids from him so we were going to get custody of skids.

I was the dumbest idiot on the planet.

Once I found out I couldn’t save the skids from the evil BMs, and once BM2 found out she could get a break and the skids didn’t die in our company, then the fun began.

ExH discovered he could dump the kids with me al the time and I didn’t protest enough. So it became a long 4 years of being an EOWe parent to 2 kids who weren’t mine and had behavioral issues.

ExH loved it. Until I found my voice and refused. Then he became abusive and we finally split.

It does have a fairy tale ending. I’m alone and loving it. . .

I went in as the girlfriend only.  Seperate houses, staying at his on weekends, doing fun stuff with him and his boys.

I moved in as girlfriend and partner in household.  

I attended all sporting events because that was time that I could spend with SO.  We were at one event or the other 7 days a week.  As time went on, if SO had to work, I would attend alone.  DBDB would be there only for SS19 events.  I can count on one hand the times she was at SS15 events.

SS19 went of to college and we now have SS15 full time.  DBDB does not ask for him to stay the weekends nor to even do dinner.  She doesn't go to any of his events.  She tells him she will be there but never shows.  Sends her brother or mother to stand in.  She only sees him holidays when SS19 and SS15 go together. 

SO had only asked me to be there for guidance and to help the boys on the correct path.  I do not discipline but will make my feelings known when I am not happy with something and SO will dole out the punishment.  He does want me to discipline but I am not comfortable in that role.  

Less than a month I will be wife and stepmother LOL  

My 1st time around I went in as Mom. BM wasn't in the picture and exSS took to calling me mom right away. He became a nightmare of  a child when BM popped back up and then my ex turned abusive so we left. I have had no contact with them in over 4 years now. 

This time is so different. SS18 is an adult. We never had real visitation since he was living with grandma in another state. I have known him for 2 1/2 years now, but I am genuinly terrified of what my life is going to become once he is here (He is bipolar and autistic and will never live on his own). This is a grown man, guardianship over him or not. I am not a "mom" figure. I am his dad's stb wife. However, he is mentally at about 13. So what does that mean for me? -- Then we have SS13. I am trying to be more of a friend/fun auntie figure to him. I let his dad take lead on serious stuff and I just want to come along for the fun. I am sure that if we wind up with the schedule we are hoping for, I will have to have a more "motherly" role in in household but right now, I am trying to keep it light. 

I went in as partner to SO, STB mom to our shared child, bio mom of 1 son already, and the excitement of thinking I would have a little girl in my life now too!  LOL!  Boy was I naive!  I NEVER had the intent of trying to replace SD's BM.  I always thought I would just be added support to the parents she already had (like my step dad was for me).  BM saw different of course!  I thought BM would come around and realize I wasn't the enemy but nope she is a whack job and her toxicity has transferred right on down to SD as well. So the reality is that I am now disengaged for the most part and really would rather not have to deal with SD at all.  I love the days that don't include SD visitation! 

I went in as a wife, but with the assumption that everything was going to be functioning, and that everyone was going to be sane and work together to be sure the girls didn't suffer. I was going to be the SM, DH's wife, but I'd help where it was needed (within reason) because we were going to work together... Figured there would be zero court cases, everyone would respect boundaries, and basically for some reason thought it would be some hunky dory thing... Didn't imagien any extra debt being paid because of the ex. And I honestly thought my privacy would be respected.

I was mistaken... BM ditched, she also sucked in the first place, now, with a few exceptions, we function with me acting in the mom role, BM isn't even there, and the girls even see thier family as DH, themselves, and I. It's definitely not what I expected... It threw me for a loop and was a SUPER crazy adjustment... However, the girls have caught up to where they should be on the growth scale, DH and I communicate better, and the girls are doing MUCH better behaviorally and emotionally (except for a few days following BM's random visits she does for self-gratification). So while it's been crazy, i do think it's been for the best as well.

I went in as partner and other adult in the home.  It went to shit because Medusa was actively encouraging hatred and disrespect and I foolishly thought that she would treat me the way that I treated Money-Ka, my kids' SM.   

Once DH got custody, it went to further shit because DH let his guilt guide him and he also allowed the skids, one in particular, to be disrespecful.  That's when I disengaged.

I was under the impression that most parents parented their children, divorced or not.  Boy was I wrong!

I didn't believe DH when he told me BM was a psycho. One of my girlfriends knew her and BM was always cordial then. Boy, was I wrong to not listen to DH!

At first she was great! She let DH visit SD in HER HOME ONLY twice a week (insert major eyeroll) and SOMETIMES on Sundays when she felt like it. She got worse and worse and, well, even worse.

I never thought I could dislike a human being any less than I do BM, but I do. She is on her "nice" streak right now, but we know it is only self-serving.

Went in as partner - in all things.  Wasn't married yet.  But expected full support and partnership!  Didn't happen, thought he was a parent but he's a "fun dad" and "anything goes"  - and didn't support my needs at first.

If that had continued then I wouldn't have married him.  In fact, when he asked me to marry him and we were disucssing dates I made him put off the marriage an extra year so we could continue working on things.

In spite of how frustrated I do get still, and the disney aspects that are still there, and always will be, he's much better.  I'd like to see him in regular counseling sessions and actually making rules/chores required but so long as I respect myself I'm ok.

With ongoing therapy and AA I was able to realize that h needed to parent his 3ds (18, 16, 12) himself. Older two lived with him after divorce. I moved into their house, which I would not suggest to anyone. We did sell it and move to our own home after 16 sd graduated hs. We have been married 23 years. Everything has worked out well. Btw, I don't have kids of my own which is still a difficult part of my life story. Almost died from previous preg 2 with first h.

Pollyannaish is the word I would describe for me entering into my second marriage and become the SM. I tend to be a optimistic person and try to find the good in everything.

Within 3 years entering my DH family ( skids and all inlaws)  I realized I was the second wife. And would be treated as such. Never really was able to fit in with my brother and sister inlaws because I was a divorced woman. Crazy right because DH was divorced but he was family and I was not.

I never tried to be a mother to my skids as they had a mother. I was Dads new wife. What I didn't know was how my DH would parent his children. He was a true disney dad when they were little. Which changed me from being optimistic to discouraged. His children were and are still very entitled. I have one skid that seems to be the one that causes most of the problems. My DH is in total denial about this grown adult and I am totally disengaged.

I really expected that I would enjoy my time with SS9, then 5. At first it was ok, but then as we became more serious, got married, then had DS15months, it became worse at each juncture. I never wanted to be SSs mom, but I thought we could have fun family time and that he would be a good big brother to any kids I would have. After what I've seen, I don't leave him alone with DS ever, and I don't even like it when DH takes both of them out together. Fun family time is an oxymoron. I went on a few vacations with DH and SS before having DS, and it was horrible each time. I thought I had to tough it out or endure it, but I don't think that anymore. I refuse to vacation with SS and I'm counting down the days until he turns 18. We are long distance, so the chances of him decamping to our basement is low.

I was an idiot who was born in the 70's and grew up watching the Brady Bunch.  So I went in, thinking that I gained two sweet step kids as "my own" ... now before every goes off their rockers, I don't mean that I went in thinking they were going to call me mom or anything like that, but I thought that we would  have the type of relationship that I now have with my BS8 where we do fun activities together such as bike riding, kayaking, running, walking etc, I would help them with their school work and be involved in their lives and also that they would respect me.  And things DID start out that way!  I would take them to the movies, bowling, nature hikes, do crafts, I did karate with them etc. But about the time that BS8 was born was when THEY changed.  I don't know if it was a jealousy thing or what?  DH thinks it might have been, or maybe it was an age thing?  who knows?  They both started distancing themselves and little acts of disrespect started turning into bigger acts of disrespect (i.e. stealing from me, bad mouthing me, lying, etc) 

It's really kind of sad sitting here typing this becauseI really did try with them.  It also bothers me that neither one of them could give a crap about BS8.  Never ask how he's doing, ask to see him, tell him Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas nothing!  That's why I'm more inclined to think it's a jealousy thing.. especially after SDs comment last year about how "BS will probably have everything handed to him"  Whatever... sorry that your mother is a POS and does nothing for you.  Sorry you are a psychopath.  NONE of those things are my fault and NONE of those things are BS8 fault. 

Oh well, you win some you lose some I guess.  I just try to be the best mom I can to BS8 and hope that he turns out to be a better person than skids.