Feeling shame, how do you reconcile shame and anger
Today I am feeling such shame for feeling how I handled my anger at ss and ex and as a result resorted to writing and saying very cruel and negative words about ss and ex. Although I have never utter a cross or cruel word to ss, nor have I ever said anything other that ss was "acting like a big baby" to my dh, now ex, just one time in the entire time in the entire 25 years we were together. I have written cruel things and called both of them very negative names here and to other people that are close to me in a process of venting.
I feel terrible that I resorted to such behavior and I feel that I lowered myself to ex's and ss level. It does not feel good, as here I am critical of them for their behavior, and even though I did not do it directly to them, I engaged in the same kind of negative behavior by name calling and making fun of them.
I am having a hard time with it. How do you reconcile that you need to vent and sometimes in doing so you let it all out without inhibitions and resort to name calling and making fun of them and then deal with the emotions that you did so because you are not normally like that?
Enuf, This is what this site
Enuf, This is what this site is for - venting without fear of retribution. What you wrote will go no farther than this page. You have been programmed to feel guilt if you complain at all. You simply weren't allowed to. You lived among people who complained. It was OK for them and not for you. The old double standard again. Your guilt is unjustified. You are human and have a right to have your feelings considered.
The last time you posted you wrote that you were sorry for Ex. Doesn't sound too negative to me. You are compassionate even though they treated you badly. They became ugly in mind and soul. Your ex didn't think much of your feelings when he helped to alienate your own son from you. What did he say to DS to accomplish this? If anything, you have been too kind to DH and SS. You have only told the truth.
Forgive yourself. I know
Forgive yourself. I know that I have acted in a vicious manner to others in the past. My words can virtually eviscerate another. I learned this skill well from my mother and carry it with me.
I generally don't curse or act spitefully IRL. I do gossip some. I am an empathetic, intelligent, loving woman who has been care-giver, worked in hospice, worked with special needs folk, currently run my own nonprofit and STILL, ... I know that part of my personality is there just below the surface. We all are capable of lashing out when we are hurt. (Behind the anger, I have found that there is usually fear.)
Sometimes, venting helps me to identify the fear that is pushing the anger. Fear of rejection, fear of inadequacy, fear of abandonment, fear of not being of value ... This is not "me," but my fear expressing itself. Okay, now I sound like some disassociating weirdo.
Yup, you do have to own your words, so maybe in the future, you may choose to apologize in person, in a letter, in an anonymous blog --- that is up to you. You have a chance every morning to call a "do-over" and make different choices in how you react to stressors.
However, I think that you are judging yourself very harshly. Forgive yourself.
Are you saying you feel
Are you saying you feel guilty because you said mean stuff on here?
Honey.. don't worry about this. Think of us as just "voices in your head". We are here to hear the thoughts that would get you ostracized from polite society and our families..lol.
Everyone has unkind thoughts that they would feel terribly if the other person knew what we were thinking. I'm praying we never get the ability to read minds!
It's normal, it's human and it's ok to vent. Now, you may get people who disagree with your point of view, but here you shouldn't have to worry you are hurting your spouse's feelings etc...
The bottom line is that sometimes we can't for various reasons stick up for ourselves. So... don't feel guilty.. see your thoughts for what they are. Perhaps seeing what you wrote makes you feel like you have been selfish or whatnot.. that's ok too. Sometimes we see we are being petty or silly.. and coming here and writing it out helps a lot.
Sometimes, you just gotta get
Sometimes, you just gotta get it out!
Don't beat yourself up over it. You did it, you feel bad, you are sorry, let it go and move on. They put you through hell (and your ex still is by continuing to contact you) and you vented. Big deal. Everybody has their tipping point.
There's nothing that you can do about it now, except learn from it and know that it does not make you feel good, so in the future, you will have to vent without name calling (although, what you said about them was factual, no?).
But, I know what it feels like to feel guilt over something said or done. It will pass, with time, it just sucks until then.
Did you say anything that
Did you say anything that wasn't true? I didn't think so. You have nothing to be ashamed of if you didn't lie or make anything up.
"My words can virtually eviscerate another." Indigo I can do this too. That's part of the reason I told DH to keep SS32 and his skank away from me. If I see them I will literally rip their guts out with words after their hideous home invasion while we were on vacation. But I doubt if I would have a shred of guilt over it though.
Don't feel guilty for
Don't feel guilty for anything you say here. That's what helps so many of us get it out of our system so that we don't let it eat us up inside.
I, for one, have never said anything here that I wouldn't say to SD's face, but in real life, I'm quite brazen hence the disclaimer in my signature.
Working through issues
Working through issues yourself is very different from directly badmouthing someone or saying what you are thinking to their faces out of spite.
You did not vent publicly. You vented with your trusted support network.
Quit beating yourself up about this and look to your bright future with the two of them fading in your rear view mirror. After a time the entire thing will be little more than an occasional unpleasant memory. If you revisit your guilt you will be surrendering your happiness to the toxic crap they put you through in the past.
I would guess that the things you vented about were things you experienced or directly observed. Facts are neither good nor bad, they are merely facts. It is behavior that is either good or bad. If you were venting about their behaviors... you have nothing to feel bad about.
Take care of you.
Good luck and enjoy your bright future.
Thank you so much for all
Thank you so much for all your comments. It is just not in my nature to make of fun or downgrade someone and to be vindictive, irregardless of what they have done to me. I do not want to lower myself to their level. As Rags pointed out, the things I "vented about were things (I) experienced or directly observed. Facts are neither good nor bad, they are merely facts." Nevertheless, I did say cruel things and made fun of their behavior and appearances. I would feel so terrible, even now, if they were be able to read such things. That odds of that happening are none. Nevertheless, I made fun of them and degraded their appearances and weight. Not good!
I also had fault of what happened between us. I came to the point of non-tolerance and vented instead of disengaging from ss. I know I am human, however I wished I had the strength of effectively disengaging as many of you have done. Now that I have been away from dh and ss, I really do not to ever want to be in their relationship. It was truly horrific. Yet, I still feel guilt for not rising about the scum that they generated.
Who knows what I am going through. I wish I had some insight, I do feel shame for my reactions and behavior irregardless of how they behaved.
Enuf, this guilt seems to be
Enuf, this guilt seems to be another way to keep thinking about this man and his son. Please let it go. Get counseling, meditation, something to break this.
Enuf, I think your ex has
Enuf, I think your ex has 'programmed' you to feel bad/ashamed. Good grief, you rarely voiced your opinion in many YEARS. This man kept you downtrodden and intimidated and he is still controlling you after the divorce.
Many of us have said that exh's and exss's relationship is NOT NORMAL. If you tell all of this to any number of therapists, they will tell you the same thing.
Sweetie, please stop beating yourself up. Venting is natural. These people treated you terribly. You are NOT a bad person. You are being extraordinarily kind and generous to people who made your life a living hell. Please do everything you can to never again have contact with your ex. You deserve so much more. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}
Strangely I never realized
Strangely I never realized how much my self esteem had taken a beating as I had to endure so much and dealt with a lot. It took a lot of emotional strength. I am angry for being subjected to what I was subjected to. I know I need to just say "f*ck it you a$$hole! Enjoy the last few years of your living with a mini-wife who weighs a ton, and whines all the time, grunts instead of talks, and cannot complete a full sentence because he did not finish high school. It will feel like your living in hell, especially for man who has a Ph.d and considers himself worldly and sophisticated." Like he always said "got to protect my son against you." Now he has him all to himself.
You are right! "F*ck him!!! The fat, smelly: who can't hit the toilet worth a beans because his stomach is so big, and as a result his pants are always stained, arrogant s.o.b., that thought he was God's gift to this world and now everyday when he looks at his ds he sees his mini me, a reflection of himself, that realization is what makes him angry at everyone else."
dear oldredhen, Yes indeed he
dear oldredhen, Yes indeed he thought that I would fall down on my knees and pray to him that he grant me the priviledge to remain with him under any conditions he bestowed upon me. He had quite a list he had emailed me, for me to remain with him. On the top of the list was that I see a psychologist for the issues that I had, even though I had been seeing one for years for the issues I had with him and ss. I was even prescribed anti-anxiety medication to help cope with the situation, and she said that I was living with abuse and the best thing for me was to leave and get a place of my own. I never told him what the psychologist was suggesting. He would not believe me anyway. His arrogance was amazing, considering his physical attributes and his hygiene.
He always had a swarm of flies following him following him apart from his ds, well close to it:) His clothes were always urine and feces soaked and at one time I counted a couple of months since he had bathed because he was angry at me and was shunning me. I truly believed that he had gotten mentally ill. It concerned me! No matter what I said to him it made no difference. He would even get angry with me if I washed his clothes. Somehow when you love someone you deal with what you need to do. He never understood that, as he always thought that it was money that drew me to him and that was never the case.
Somehow the universe forced me away from the situation I was in, and even though I cared
and truly loved him, he could not see it. He felt that he needed to treat me the way he did for the sake of his dysfunctional adult son. It was truly crazy. So he forced me leave, so that I could be coerced into doing his bidding. He expected me to bow and extend my hand for him to kiss asking his forgiveness. After 25 years I left most of my possessions behind, and it did feel like I left with a pole and handkerchief carrying my meager belongings. I knew in my heart that all would turn out well, and possessions I would eventually have again. In spite of it all, I was still concerned about his health, as I know his ds will do nothing to assist him other than have an extended hand asking for more.
I guess I am at the point of letting go, and letting God, as they say, as everything is out of my control. He is truly a stupid and cruel man!! Right now I am truly feeling good riddance, especially in the morning when I wake up and there is a peaceful calm, and I can look out and see hummingbirds and green trees and no one to disturb the peace, and no one to tell me that I need to adhere to his or his ds cruel behavior and demands.
It has been quite a learning process, one that has led me to be sensitized to behavior I will never ever accept. Am living in an environment that is worse that what I lived with him. Absolutely not! My furniture is better than what I had when I was with him. I have a beautiful leather couch worth a couple of thousands dollars that I got for $75, and I also own a fine wood tv hutch, when I priced it on ebay used was $1,400, new it is close to $4,000. I have a bedspread that is worth $450, and all this just fell in my laps for pennies. I live in a 2 bedroom/2bath condo, with the view of majestic mountains in front of an amazing pool. When he came to my place a few months ago he was amazed. He expected, or was hoping, that I was living in a downtrodden motel cooking on a one burner stove. Not the case!
I am just not one to be as negative as I have been in the way I have been venting. Truthfully it did feel good to vent as I did in a previous post. How can it be so empowering to say such negative things. Nevertheless, I felt like wonderwoman and that I can conquer all!