The situation is so complicated and intertwined. I sent my ex an email regarding visiting my gkids and ds for the holidays. My ds and my gkids rent the upstairs 3 bedroom apartment. My old bedroom was on the same level and there is a door that I could enter their apartment right outside my bedroom. When I left, after the divorce, my ex had mentioned to me that I could leave some of my things in the bedroom, and that I was welcomed to stay in the bedroom should I come to visit the gkids. My ex sleeps on the main floor, so there would be separation.

I could also stay at my ds place, but I do not feel right staying in his apartment without also confirming and getting my ex's approval since it is one big place.

All of this has changed now that ss has moved into my old room. Personally I think sh*t is going to hit the fan. As his ds also shuns and is rude to my ds and gkids. I worry of the impact ss moving in will have on things in the house.

While I would like to block my ex and have nothing to do with him, open communication seems to be necessary due to my ds and gkids living there. I hate all of this. I sincerely thought my ex was being true to his words, but he got so bent out of shape when I asked about visiting. I had also stated that I could stay in a hotel if it was not possible to stay in my old room. He replied that he did not think that it was good for the gkids, who are 12 & 11, for me to be back in their lives so soon.

I feel like I am having to ask permission from him to see them. This sucks!!! I am so confused at the moment.

Now that things have settled in my mind a bit. It was quite a shock to read his email and it really threw me of guard, just did not expect it. I need to work on that! Anyway, here he is telling me that it is to soon to see the grandkids and it is not good to have me popping in and out of their lives, but yet he could not go a day without talking numerous times to his middle aged ds, finish what he started when we were intimate because he had to go chat to his ds on the phone, see him numerous times a week. But yet he thinks it is not emotionally healthy for my gkids, whom adore me, to see me. I am way across the country, it is not like I even see them monthly.

I think what frustrates me is that he lied to me about being able to keep my things there so I could visit the kids in the winter. I think I am more angry at myself for being naive enough to still believe him. I also feel that he is still trying to control the shots. It really stinks!!

Also, in the area that my ds lives, there is very limited housing and the costs are very high as the area has a big recreational lake. One of my grandsons has disabilities and the school that he goes to has done exceptionally well with him. My ds, a single parent, would more than anything love to move as he is aware of my ex's control issue and now with his ds moving in, it will really have an affect on the household environment. I think my ds will try to work through the issues for the sake of his situation and his kids, but I do foresee him moving to be near me on the other side of the country in the near future.

My ex is not my ds father. My ds pays rent and also helps around the house. It has 4 acres and an inground pool which all need maintenance. My ds deals with that apart from paying rent. Even though my ds pays rent my ex goes into their place and adjusts the heater thermostat to 59 degrees to save on money. We had purchased laptops for the children but ex confiscates them says they are only for school use. Very, very controlling. When I lived there he would throw away my things in the trash, fortunately I was able to rescue some of them when I saw them. He also tried to have my dog put to sleep when I was visiting my mother at one point. My dog was healthy, he just did not like him.

My ex wrote in the email that my ds had also agreed with my ex that it was not a good idea to have a nana that comes into my gkids lives and then exits. That is why my visit would not be good for them. It was all a lie. My ds told me that what my ex wrote was not accurate that he did not say those things. We be both came to the conclusion that the reason my ex has changed his tune as he does not want his ds to be uncomfortable with my presence. Thereby he is trying to come across that my ds does not want to see me and that I would be making life worse for the gkids by seeing them.

His ds has anger management problems to the point of kicking my dog as one time and throwing a dorm sized refrigerator of my ds because he was jealous that his df and I were cohabiting. I think that he is afraid that his ds will do or say something should he see me. In the past ex behaved like an ostrich with his head in the sand.

After talking with my ds, he mentioned that my ex has been suggesting that he move out west. My guess is that will be happening sooner than what is prudent considering the kids.

After writing all that I did. I feel sick to my stomach what a sick, sordid, demeaning lifestyle I have lived.

My ex came into my ds life when he was 8 years old.

Yes, from day one when I first set my eyes on him I knew he was not normal. My ex pretends he is the most normal person on earth. But when you look at him, you can tell immediately. My ex would say that he is the sweetest, kindness person and that any woman should be happy to have him. But he is anything but sweet and kind.

Also, my ex just divorced me this pass May. He wanted a speedy divorce and where I lived once all the proper documents are filed and you sign the documents saying it is okay, you can get divorced within 8 days. I was rather surprised by all this and I agreed as I no longer wanted to deal with the drama. My ds was surprised by all this as ex and I we were getting along quite well, having coffee together on the couch, watching tv together, making dinner for each other. I was hoping he would reconsider and he was probably hoping I would agree to all his terms and there were many. When I did not, he went through with the divorce.

My ds was taken by surprise because he thought things would be all hunky dory. Now when I talk to him, he is so stressed out by the living situation. He just told me that he feels his "spirit" has died.

I agree it is too soon, now that ss is sleeping on my old bed I cannot for even a million dollars sleep in that again. SS has sores all over his body that he scratches and they bleed. I also had a hot tub and he liked to get in it. It grossed me out so bad that every time he used it I had to empty it and refill it. I finally had to tell ex to please not let him get in it. Of course, ex was offended and commented how my gkids could get in it. Everything to do with ss was always such a struggle.

Anyway, no matter how much I try, as I am really trying to take Rags suggestion of the 3-day rule into consideration something comes up. Ex just sent me an email that I had received some very important mail and he would like to forward it. I put a change of address, so what are the odds that that one piece of important mail would be delivered to that address? I am having problems with my ds who lives in the area I just moved in, the ds who lives with ex told him what happened and ex wrote the following in the email "For many, being a parent turns out to be a life sentence, not a joy." I suspect he was also referring to his situation with ss now residing with him. Karma!!!

You are right! It is an amazing feeling to wake up in the morning and know that the morning will be drama free. I love my new place. I could live here forever. I am grieving today for my loss, I do not remember when I grieved about my divorce. I have not allowed myself to do so. The hardest is to know that ss was allowed to do what he did. My advice to steptalkers, do your damnest, when the sk is toxic, to block them and to disengage completely. Also, do not be afraid, as I was, to ask the important questions to your dh or dw, that will force them to admit if they hold your marriage "above all others". I was always afraid to know the truth and I was conditioned to hold my tongue when it came to ss otherwise my ex would really get angry and threaten divorce. I did not believe him. He was telling me who he was, and I did not believe him. If you are told that your sk is more important, believe your spouse. It is not normal for your dw or dh to give an adult child more important status than you. It is really "sick". I do not think that enmeshment is a treatable behavior, as that is a behavior that started way before us and will continue way after us. I am really glad I survived. That sad thing is I will never be with a man that has adult children as I do not think I will be able to trust their relationship. That leaves very little to no eligible partners in my future.

Thank you. I cannot stress enough how important it was for me to get the responses I did from all of you. I have been a steptalkers for more years than I can count. I was under a few other names before and I had to cancel my account as I was afraid that my ex would see my posts. During the divorce process I must admit that I was at one of my lowest point in life and I was contemplating doing the worst to myself. What helped me the most to climb out of the dark hole I was in was being able to write on ST and reading the responses. No one in my real world understood the adult stepchild dilemma. After all, as some persons would say, it is his son. However, being treated a seconds does something to the soul and little by little it just disappears. Writing on steptalk was like taking one step at a time out of the hole. You do not understand how many times I would reread over and over again your responses. It was the only thing that saved my sanity, my soul and my life. In my real world I was alone in what I was experiencing.

I am now on day 4 of Rag's 3-day rule. I did not realize how often he was keeping in contact with me via emails. It was as if we were still married. So many emails. But, I have made it over the hump and feeling much better. I'am also absolutely sure that I will never sleep in my old bedroom. I am more resolved now to have be over. Yay me!!!

My first thanksgiving as a divorced woman. I have no place to go, nothing planned. So I decide to go to the saloon next door the night before Thanksgiving and I sit next to a woman, who turns out is 5 years older and I am, we talk and she asks me "what are you doing for thanksgiving?" I replied, "nothing". She invited me to her place, she said there were 8 other persons that were going to be there. So I spent Thanksgiving at a strangers house and met 8 other strangers. It was very nice. Then 2 of the strangers invite me to karoke on Sunday, I also went and that was fun.

I was invited for Wing night today at some other place. Sadly, my son that lives at my ex's did not call me on thanksgiving and I did not get to talk to my grandchildren. I do not know how he spent thanksgiving or how my ex spent it. We would all have it together when I was married. Now I do not have a clue of what went on. If it was not for the kindness of a stranger I would have spent it by myself. It is amazing how things happen.