:?

I need urgent advice. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. He’s 40 and I’m 37, both married only once and separated. I have a pretty good relationship with his son, now 18 turning 19 in March, until the past year; we get along for the most part but we have our times when we are battling. His son has severe behavioral issues (ie. failing school, getting suspended regularly, smoking weed in the house and selling weed out of the house, arrested for rape, driving drunk alot and has damaged 3 cars now; 1 car is a write off, stealing his dad’s car when we are sleeping and he has no license, steals anything from anyone, verbally abusive, throws tantrums; i’m a wiz now at patching up holes in the wall.. lol, manipulates to get his own way, belittles his father, won’t follow rules at home, etc.). His father has had to call the police once on him when he was in our faces and threatening to throw a pot of boiling water on us and cut our throats in the middle of the night while we slept, but my bf didn’t press charges against him. I accepted his son since day one and have treated him like my own and have always been there for him and have done for him what all mothers do for their children.

We have 3 kids that live with us; his son, my daughter (18 and graduated), and his nephew (17 in school).

My BF and I have been fighting steady for the past month over issues with his son and the fights have progressed now to my BF yelling at me to “shut the F*** up!” whenever I told him to quit enabling his son and do something with him the other night. My bf states that it’s his son and to let him handle it, but yet doesn’t mind asking me to do all of this stuff for his son like driving him to school in the morning or picking up whatever girlfriend he has at the moment from her place. However, there are often times when I am home alone with the kids and his son will act out around me and I will put my foot down and stop it (he had a 13-year-old girl at the house last weekend and she was falling down drunk all over the house) and then when I tell my bf about it, his son will twist it around that I am the bad guy and lies about it, and my bf will side with the son even though we are supposed to have a no drinking alcohol in the house rule. Yesterday morning, he talked back to me and dad didn't do anything about it, which is the norm in our house unfortunately.

Last night at 11pm, I was sitting in the livingroom with my daughter and his nephew, (BF was in the bedroom; we weren’t speaking since the “shut the f*** up” incident) and his son came home and started cooking up a big meal for himself. We have a “no cooking after 11pm-only snacks” rule (the only rule that my bf and I could agree on) and although my bf has said many times that he will start backing me up on this rule, he comes out of the bedroom, sees his son cooking and asks “can you make me some?”. I was absolutely furious as this was the first opportunity since our last fight about this rule the other night for him to actually back me up on it like he said he would.

So I sit there to let my bf handle it, and the conversation between him and his son continues and the son starts cussing his father out and really belittling him and being outright verbally abusive to his dad because his father had taken his $100 christmas bonus cheque (from welfare—on yes, did I forget to mention that his son collects welfare and lives with us and doesn’t chip in? lol) and went and bought him a $300 gym membership with it instead of giving it to him to buy weed. My bf just says nothing and goes back to his room and the son follows him down the hall continueing with the harassment and name calling. I at this point am just frothing at the bit because I cannot tolerate disrespect. My SS returns to the kitchen and 5 minutes later, his father (my bf) actually comes out and apologizes to him and hugs him and tells him he loves him and kisses his a**!!! ...I’m not kidding.
Needless to say, I slept in the basement with the other kids last night.

We’ve talked about getting married in the future and I know that my bf loves me, and can excuse some of his inability to work as a couple on the fact that he was a single dad for the majority of his son's life (the mother is a useless alcoholic who never sees her son) and he is a really sweet and caring man aside from the enabling his son and not treating me as a partner in the household, but this past month has been a real wake-up call and has me wanting to just leave this house with my daughter and close the door on this relationship and be done with this kind of dysfunction for good.

On several occasions, my bf has told me that I need counseling and anger management so I can learn to calm down and let him handle it and that I “am too aggressive” and always pissed off...(lol...no duh..wonder why ;))

I work full time, have a good career so I am financially secure, I pay half the bills, have made numerous sacrifices and compromises for him and these children. I love this man and the kids and his family and this community and have zero problems with the other 2 kids, but I’m at the end of my rope with his son running the show.

I can see inconsistent parenting; that is simple and identifiable as a third party looking in. He states he is tired much of the time and stressed out so he doesn't want the added conflict of me and his son's "bickering". My view is that kids need discipline and rules and that his son should never talk back to an adult and should help out around the house or at least clean up after themselves and should be held accountable for their own actions. There shouldn’t be bickering with this kid when he’s told to do something or not to do something. I'm told "you are the adult, just don't engage him" but there is no way I am going to sit by and let any child demean and disrespect me in my own home and not adhere to any rules while the other 2 kids watch it all and do what they are told. In fact, just as I had forseen, the nephew is starting to act up now in the past month and my bf thinks that it’ll pass and does not see the connection (I tell him it is classic “why should I have to follow the rules if he doesn’t?”.

My bf has assured me numerous times that his son will move out eventually and then life will be normal and we won’t have to deal with it anymore, but I just can’t handle it anymore and doubt very much that even if his son were to move out, that the dysfunction and enabling would end there. I’m getting tired of my bf knowing that his son is doing all of this stuff and that he is “a bad kid” and knows he shouldn’t let him get away with it all, but yet rises to his defense and makes excuses for his son’s bad behaviours whenever we argue, instead of backing me up on issues and respecting me as being a partner in this household.
This kid is not going anywhere and I feel like he’ll be the kid who’s 32-years-old, still living at home, mooching off his dad and collecting welfare and dealing drugs, with 3 kids from different moms that he never sees or supports and I feel like I've bent over backwards so far that I'm about to break.

Help!