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Apology offered--advice needed

Newimprvmodel's picture

Today I got a lengthy email from one of dh's daughter's. Apologizing for past sins. Wants to have her father not have to chose and be able to spend time with everyone in his life.
I realize that I do need to accept it, but honestly 7 years is a long time and I'd rather not open the door again. My trust is gone and people like her mother only get worse with age. Ok yes she is now 25 years old, but her older sister is an extraordinary bitch as well as the mother.
My thoughts? What do I say to convey that it is cool, but I am not looking to engage. Remember dh has his own home so he can visit with his daughters anytime.
Must I see them? Must I go on trips with them?
Any advice welcome.
And I have thought in my head what if I just do as she wants? Start over?

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

Unless you have told DH it's you or the kids then you don't really have to change anything.

Just let her know that she and DH are adults. If she want's to spend time with him you aren't doing anything to prevent that and she should contact him.

As for you and her. Speak with DH. You can explain to him that you have no desire to attempt to reconnect. Realize that DH may end up mad because it appears that SD is extending an olive branch and you are considering refusing to accept it. You have to decide which battle you want to pick.

Play nice for DH or maintain your distance for your own comfort.

Start by asking DH what he would like, let him know what you are willing to consider and go from there.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I've followed your story over the years and hope you'll forgive my blunt question, but I thought you were leaving this crazy relationship?

Your marriage is in no way conventional, or supportive. Your DH is very controlling, drinks too much, tolerates all sorts of mistreatment from his daughters, and wants you to as well. His parents are also controlling and annoying. Three generations of a dysfunctional family that stresses and steamrolls you. So, why do you choose to be in a relationship that is so hard, where your needs are unimportant and unmet, and you have to deal with emotional booby traps like this?

You are an intelligent, educated professional, a catch on the marriage market. Yet you've wasted so many years on this man and the dysfunction that surrounds him. Today, it's this email; tomorrow, next week, or next month it will be something else.

I know this sounds trite, but I think you would really benefit from some therapy to sort through all of this and identify why you put up with this garbage. I think you deserve so much better and are at an age where your kids are grown and should be enjoying life.

Newimprvmodel's picture

I have not ignored your reply, and I thank you for it. At my age I have no interest in looking for another guy with his own issues.
I never set out to have a relationship like this. But here I am. Honestly I do not want to live with my dh. He would drive me nuts. This suits my needs now. And as I get older? I don't know.

sammigirl's picture

I'm not going to tell you what to do here. Wow!

When DH and I had our blow up three years ago, DH ask me how we could fix things???? I told him, "if you and SD want to sit down and discuss this whole mess with me, apologize to me for the betrayal and gossip behind my back, for almost 15 years, we'll move forward from that time." They neither one have apologized to me and things have never changed concerning my SD. My SD56 wrote me a two page hate email, throwing DH under the bus; thus I found out he had betrayed me to SD for almost 15 years. At that point I blocked her from all my social media, thus I NEVER responded to her, just ignored her. I would never accept an apology from my SD, via email. If she cannot sit down and look me in the eye, we discuss our differences, and take it from there, that is not a true apology.

Social media is for cowards. If I have differences with someone, I will talk to them face to face.

What's up with hiding behind your IPhone and social media, not sincerity. Ugh!

Newimprvmodel's picture

A couple things I noticed. She started by saying that she really didn't remember much about all what happened. I was just caught in the crossfire. No apology. She never meant to displace me at event. And she hates for her father to say he wishes I were with them at dinner or wherever they are.
Now what really irks me is she says in closing I deserve a clean slate. And she really regrets that I never got the chance.??!!!!
Ok call me too critical of a 25 year old, but WTF?
My thoughts are dh will read any and all responses so I will send a very generous thank you, blah blah blah.
Only if he asks will I tell him, and I will smile sweetly and say how nice

And when they roll into town or dh spends tons of money again on them I bow out gracefully.
And saying it all with a smile.

sammigirl's picture

They never remember, because they don't have the guts to look us in the eye and just say "I am sorry for our disagreements and I will own my part of the problem". I did just this; DH realized and did apologize to me for "anything that he did to hurt me", after I owned my part of the issues. I did not list the issues or my deepest desire to punch my SD out, I just said "I am sorry for any part I may have played in our disagreement, I will own my part of this mess." I never mentioned or discussed it since. My SD just stomped out and never did look me in the eye; she was so mad because I apologized and she was caught off guard. I disengaged and will stay disengaged. SD56 acts like she never did anything or said anything.

Why is your SD telling you she hates what her father says; it should be about you and her. She should be saying she "wished you were there for dinner or wherever", not putting it on your DH.

If it were me, I would respond that you wish she felt bad enough to sit down and discuss it with you. Tell her you do not wish to correspond via social media and thank her for the attempt, but your prefer an apology that is more personal, maybe over lunch, just the two of you. I would look her in the eye and ask her to explain the problem to you and then listen with no response. Myself, I will NEVER trust my SD again.

Good Luck. Bowing out is a good idea.

Newimprvmodel's picture

I know she is not a child, but 25 isn't all that worldly either. I feel maybe I am being too picky?
However you put into words EXACTLY how I feel. I could never trust her again. Don't want to. Don't want to allow hell to step back in the door. And with her comes her mother. NO THANKS.
Dh is enthralled with her and her sister now. No point in getting him all angry. I can manipulate when needed.
But the problem is I wear my heart on my sleeve too many damn times. I read all about disengagement and then I open my mouth! Lol
So, I send a gracious reply in a few days. No mention of any future get together.
Only discuss with dh if he brings up and then I will be positive about it.
And let them continue to meet up on trips etc ALONE.
I really don't see that it will be hard. Do you really think his daughter's want me around? Why the letter? After 7 years? Daddy thinks they are swell w/o any letter to me. So why?

sammigirl's picture

Your SD is trying to please her father and look good in his eyes. Your DH would like to have everyone get along and have one big happy family. Sounds like he would really like for you to join him and enjoy.

My SD doesn't want me around, so who knows what your SD's motives are. The letter is because she doesn't have the guts to face you and she's probably doing it for her father. Of course your DH thinks his kids are swell, every parent thinks that. I wouldn't want my DH to think otherwise of his grown children.

All I ever ask, was that DH and I have a life together; then have a social life including grown kids and grandkids separate. My DH thought we couldn't do anything without his kids present daily; they are grown with families. DH wanted them at our house every weekend, every holiday, every meal, it is not necessary when they are grown and have their own lives. SD wanted this too, because I would cook, clean, do everything, while she sat on her butt.

I tried to be nice and a good SM for 30+ years and was criticized more and more, while everyone did less and less. So one camp trip, I had a melt down, on the way home. I said "no more, I'm finished. When I have to do all the work, it is not fun for me, so help yourself, but I'm finished with this job". That was eight years ago.

I will never go back with my SD, even if she personally apologized, after treating me like she did for 37 years. You can accept her apology and continue as you are doing and stay disengaged; you can still be civil, but you don't have to do anything for your SD or put yourself in a vulnerable situation again.

Good Luck.

SugarSpice's picture

i agree that it might all be an act to make the father happy.

i would go with caution as you can be back stabbed in the future very easily.

this is true especially if sd wants something.

Ispofacto's picture

Sounds to me like DH suggested she apologize. She gave you this token non-apology not out of contrition, but to put the fault in your lap next time there's an event DH wants you both to attend. And now he will be even more abusive in pressuring you to attend.

She appears to have no empathy for what it did to you emotionally (and what she could have done to you professionally) when she called the police and made false accusations. And I call BS on her not remembering, she just can't "lower" herself to taking ownership of her bad behavior, she is trying to trivialize it, hence there has been no change in who she is. So you don't like her and rightfully so. Actions have consequences in the real world.

My response would be "I'm sorry your behavior is of so little significance to you that you don't remember what you did, but I remember well and it has had a lasting impact on me. Too bad you made this token on behalf of DH and cannot give a sincere apology made with empathy to relieve your own conscience for the hurt you have caused." If DH finds fault with this response, he's a butthole. But we kinda knew that already.

.

ETA: Wait, YOU deserve a clean slate NewImproved?? You??? If that is the case, I'd add this beginning sentence, "It is big of you to offer me a clean slate in light of the heinous things I have done."

Newimprvmodel's picture

I had to read it a few times but yes. I deserve to start a relationship with her with a clean slate. I literally wanted to write then and there to tell her to shove it. But my response will be scrutinized and let dh think I have bought the BS. He will always see me the bad guy.
So I thank her for the note and wish her well in her relationship with her daddy.
And when dh takes them on a glorious expensive trip in January or so. I politely decline. With a smile

enuf's picture

She is a coward!!!! Apologize through an email, basically she is apologizing to a computer or a phone, but not you. How hard is it for her to pick up the phone and call you to apologize? I am sure she talks on the phone every single day, but she will not pick up the phone to apologize to you. It is not like she is doing a face to face apology. Do not fall for it. She is not being sincere! She has some agenda up her sleeve.

If you are responding with an an acceptance for your Dh sake, do so knowing that it is really not an apology. No need to become buddy buddy with your sd. I hate when people apologize by sending a text or email. Give me a break, she is definitely up to something.

notasm3's picture

"Thank you for your kind email. That was very nice of you to send that.

Of course I want you and your father to have a great relationship. I am so glad that is what both of you want. It's very important for a daughter and father to have close ties.

I never want to come between you and your father. You deserve to have time together to reinforce the bond you two have. Since I have a very full life I will not always be able to join your activities."

Doesn't that just sound sickly sweet - but not a lie. Translation - "Yeah you send an apology - so okay. I guess that makes your father happy, but it changes nothing for me. Have whatever relationship you want with your Dad - but leave me out of it. I am not prohibiting him from seeing you - but I have no desire to ever see your disgusting, lying ass ever again."

still learning's picture

Perfect notasm3! This kind of response acknowledges the apology, pats her on the head and says "now run along and play with daddee...SM has important grown up stuff to do."

ESMOD's picture

I think this is a great response too. It allows there to be a semblance of a "clean slate" but also allows for the fact that OP is putting it out there that she won't always be able to be present.

You know, crazy things have happened before.. but at 25 she may just be getting mature enough to not be as self centered as she used to be. I might even be open to going to a few things where she will be present every now and again, but not going out of my way and ready to bail if things prove to be less than genuine.

I mean, most of us wouldn't want to be judged by the way we acted as preteens and teens. I know I wasn't always perfect and I can imagine that in a blended family situation that there can be a lot of undercurrents and other people involved that can put pressure on things.

So.. while I might not really be all opened arms, I might still allow for some thawing and certainly wouldn't want to be seen as the one who was "resistant".

disrestep's picture

A few years back I received a similar email from YSD shortly after she announced the royal wedding date. It said something like "sorry we did not get off to a good start and would like to try again." Because of her nasty behavior toward me prior to that and the timing of the email, it was clear it was so she could look good in DH's eyes and/or because she wanted funds for the royal wedding event. So, there may be an alterior motive for your SD in sending this to you.

My response to the email was that I never even acknowledged the fake "sorry we didn't get off to a good start" and responded to say something like "congratulations on your recent wedding date announcement and I hope you and your future husband are as happy as me and your father." I left it at that and never tried to call her to meet for coffee or anything like that, and am glad I did because she has since ramped up the disrespect not only to me but to her father. I kept thinking how can someone who has been so nasty to me actually send something like this. In my gut I knew it was so she and future husband could hit up DH for wedding funds and shortly after they did.

I never checked with my DH first on what my response should of been. He knows how disrespectful YSD is. You do not have to do anything you don't want to. If you would rather not open the door to her, don't. You will know in your gut if she can be trusted or not. Early on, I made the mistake of forgiving the adult steps when they were disrespectful for DH's sake, only to be treated with hatefulness over and over again. No more. Today, If I ever received an email from any of them apologizing for past nastiness, I would not even waste my time and respond.

Thumper's picture

An apology entails specifics. Admit what they did, fix what they did in what ever way applicable and NOT do it again.

"sm, I am sorry I stole 1000 from you. I will pay you back each month starting Oct 15, 200.00 until it is paid off in a form of cashiers check. It must have been an awful burden on you and dad to try to make up that money. I am sorry, I lied and I was a thief..

"SM I am sorry that I wrote you were an awful women on FB. My comments were and ARE untrue. I have retracted those comments on yesterdays posts. Please read them attached here". My 300 friends will see this too. They will see how ugly I was to you. I am so sorry I was wrong. One more thing I made sure my mom and my grandmother received copies of my fb post. AND I sent it too the church, they were told awful things about you too.

OP there is a lot more to an apology than an email confession of sins.SHE is the one to make you whole again. It is NOT your moral obligation to make her feel better, warm and fuzzy about her note to you.

Newimprvmodel's picture

Goodluck, the reason she is doing this after 7 years is to appease and please her father. It will be much easier to bow out out of their luxury trips if I give the appearance that all is wonderful. I am finally figuring out how to play the game! Lol.
So, how is this:
Dear so and so,
Thank you very much for your kind note. It is much appreciated.
Please don't think that you are pulling your father away from me at times. I understand that your relationship with him is most important to him and I am very happy for the both of you. I wouldn't dream of interfering or coming between you.
Warm regards,

Thoughts?

CANYOUHELP's picture

Do not waste your energy or emotion, whatever you do, whatever it is...will eventually be horrible, regardless of what action you take. Your actions will be interpreted negatively somehow, even if you are completely sincere. The fate of SM's is often very bleak, in this enmeshment; but then again...some SM's may have SD's who do not plan to ruin the marriage a million different ways and then some...LOL; I think there is always a hidden agenda, but I have been burned too many times..to ever trust again.

callmedone's picture

You're wise to not trust. Keep your distance. You have nothing to gain by socializing with these people. As for your response, just says thanks and hold your ground. Her father is in this position due to HIS failure to set effective boundaries with his children and HER actions. This literally reeks of hidden agenda. Been there and experienced that enough to never trust SD again. Ever.

Newimprvmodel's picture

Well I sent a reply. Very nice thanking her, conveying to her that I am happy they are back together and I recognize their need for time alone together as they live thousand miles apart.
I decided to add about our (her and me) relationship, that yes it was difficult, I had never experienced that in my own life with my divorce and kids. I told her she was a survivor and I was happy for her.
I told her that I was open to a fresh start, the details we can work out later.

I feel like we both have done our duty to dh.
I suspect I will not hear much of this until she visits or he meets her for a trip this winter. Dh will push, but I feel good he can't point a finger at me now.
I did not mention her sister, a true villain and one I could not stand to see ever again.
But I think I done good and thanks for all your sage and knowledgeable advice.

enuf's picture

I can sense from what you wrote that it feels like you took a deep breath and finally were able to exhale. Now you can let go and let be. From here on you can just go about your life and never have to focus on her. She is really nothing to you. What you did was because you love your dh and it was commendable.

Newimprvmodel's picture

Thank you enuf. It was hard because I am not a bull shitter. What you see is what you get. I am known for my bluntness.
My dh is Elmer Fudd and howdy doodee rolled into one. That sounds terrible I know but he lives a fantasy world where nobody gets angry and we all love one another. Yuck!! Lol.

enuf's picture

He does sound like a good soul. My dh used to make fun of me and said I lived on the planet zorch because I always saw my glass half full and believed people were inherently good and then I met his ds. Now I understand why my ex saw the world as an evil place full of cruel people.

You are also a good soul, you did good!!!

Newimprvmodel's picture

I await the criticism. I have not told dh about the letter nor will I.
We shall see....,

enuf's picture

The best thing that can happen is for her to criticize you letter. Hope she does that and that she shows it to your dh. You can then say, "No matter what I do or say it is never good enough. Dh do you see something wrong with what I wrote? I guess I am done trying." Then in silence you can say "good riddance" and smile.

enuf's picture

What you communicate to her is commendable. The ball is n her court and now you have written proof. You can now let go!

TinyDancer's picture

If she were truly sincere, she would have contacted you directly and met with you face to face. Since you know she isn't, whats her motivation for this non apology letter? There has to be something in it for her otherwise....

marblefawn's picture

Your post made me recall once or twice when my SD was suddenly warm and kind to me. I took those chances to tell her how happy I was the past was behind us and we could be friendly. Today, I'm completely disengaged. My SD runs very hot and very cold - as if she really wants to be decent to me and grown up, but she can't sustain it because her own demons get in her way. So I get whatever mood the wind blows my way on any day. I've felt like a chump trusting the mean girl. It's been humiliating at times.

Perhaps your SD is the same - she knows this is silly, Lifetime movie behavior, and at the moment she wrote her apology, she really wanted a better relationship with you. But there are her evil mother and sister who might influence her attempts to fix your relationship, not to mention her own parent issues, abandonment issues, daddy issues, all of which might flare up making you the sucker again for trusting her one more time.

I don't think you should disregard a sincere apology because surely it wasn't easy for her, even if it's too little or too late. To her, it was huge. It should be rewarded with due kindness from you - it will set an example for her, show her you're a forgiving person, and it could come back in spades later - you just never know.

But you said it - you don't trust her. That doesn't have to change soon. You can accept the apology without expecting much from her because of it. If you get something better, great! If you don't get anything better, you didn't lose credibility. Just keep cool and distant, and save judgment for later. Maybe she will surprise you, but you won't know if she's genuine if you shut her down now.

So I think you thank her for her kind note, write a sincere acceptance, maybe acknowledge that you recognize it wasn't easy for her to write the apology, say you hope things can improve because it would make DH happy to have his family on better terms - all true things, or nearly true things - and then sit back and enjoy the fact that you did not make the divide bigger, you gave her an opening to improve her behavior, and you don't have to do any work.

This ticks a lot of boxes, including showing DH you are open to his miserable kids. You don't lose any ground because you're not promising her anything. If she reverts to the same old, you and DH know you were open to her and she's the one who blew it.

Newimprvmodel's picture

That is essentially what I wrote. I am OPEN, not running toward a fresh start.
She is still buddy buddy with her sister. And her mother? There are no words to describe how cruel and manipulative she is. At our age, she ain't changing!
I am waiting for dh to say their annual skiing trip is in the works. I will try to bow out....fresh start does not mean spend days with the person!

marblefawn's picture

Oh, hell no you don't get stuck in a hotel with the offender! If you wish to give her a chance, it has to be slow - she must earn trust from you (and in fairness, she probably feels she needs to learn to trust you too). Years ago a therapist told us not to do trips, weekends, or anything that is too ambitious with SD as we tried to repair the relationship - such events are too stressful, don't give people neutral territory to retreat to, and the expectations are too high. The advice seemed reasonable and got me out of situations I didn't want to be in - situations I had been in over the years with SD: awkwardly sitting with my prim and meek mother-in-law while SD threw a loud fit in the next room screaming at the top of her lungs about how awful I was, for just one example. I literally had nowhere to go to get away from the awful things that brat was saying about me and I was so embarrassed my mother-in-law heard all that. I could have died.

enuf's picture

MarbleFawn it was not a sincere apology. If it was she would have done it face to face or at the very least called her on the phone. Strange how these adult steps think they can sidestep accountability, responsibility and integrity by simply typing a few words on a machine. My ss who is 50 years old, recently made up a story to get my ds in trouble with my ex, his df. The incident blew up on ss face as he was caught in the lie. My ex got really angry at his ds and let him have it to the point that ss was crying as he was being yelled at. So in order to fix things with his df and to gain favoritism again ss texted an apology to my ds. They live under the same roof, as ds rents upstairs apartment from ex, and ss lives on the lower floor with ex. They saw each other every day, sometimes a couple of times a day. How hard is it to simply approach ds, apologize, and shake hands. No, instead he texted. Like in newimpvmodel's case it was not a true apology, made with the intention of making amends. The apology is meant to gain favoritism in daddy's eyes.