Told not to attend party

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Hi everyone,
My SS34 is having a party this weekend and although I have been invited my DH has asked me not to attend - he will go alone.
Fact is I get on well (and always have) with my SS34, but my SD36 will be there and she caused a rift in the family a few years back & DH does not want there to be an 'atmosphere'...
I feel quite sad because I know DH will make some lame excuse for my not being there rather than saying that SD36 would be frosty and has caused the rift.
Any advice welcome.

I agree w/Heaven that

I agree w/Heaven that bioparents should have time with their own children due to basic stepfamily dynamics. Even intact bio families will often splinter off -- parents do individual activities with kids, spending time alone with them, etc.

The issue I have with this scenario is that your DH has TOLD you he doesn't want you there. IMO that's a chickensh!t way of dealing with it, and he has essentially thrown you under the bus. Whatever excuse he provides them for your non-attendance, it won't fool anyone there and they will assume you are boycotting the party to avoid SD. That can ultimately affect your "good" relationship with your SS. Plus, it will give SD smug satisfaction that her father is tacitly condoning her behavior towards you and the other family involved in the "rift."

I would sit DH down and have a serious discussion with him about why he did this and exactly what his intentions are towards you for attending future activities of this sort.

I agree w/Heaven that

I would sit DH down and have a serious discussion with him about why he did this and exactly what his intentions are towards you for attending future activities of this sort.

I'm not questioning stepaside

I'm not questioning stepaside but this "He wants to enjoy his kids without having to worry that his daughter will be offended because she has to see you" makes me wonder.

Just asking but.... what if, a bio parent didn't like his childs spouse, would it them be okay for the parent to expect the adult child to leave their spouse behind so they can spend one on one time together because it is essentially the same thing as a kid expecting their parent to leave their spouse behind.

Just seems like step parents ALWAYS get the bad end of the stick.

My point was what would skid

My point was what would skid do if parent told skid I don't want to see you if you bring your husband or wife with you. I think if a parent did that skid/kid would freak but when kids/skids do it to their parents it is different.

Thanks for the replies, I

Thanks for the replies, I really appreciate them all.
I agree & understand about DH wanting to spend time with his bio-kids without me - and that happens regularly anyway. What I am sad about is that I did not cause this rift - my only crime is that I'm married to DH & I'm alive/well (BM left him by the way I did not 'steal him'!).
I think DH just wants a quiet life and I can understand him not wanting to rock the boat but I agree with 2Tired4Drama that it does make it look as if I'm boycotting the party and being disagreeable - when nothing could be further from the truth.
SD36 pretty much cut me and my children out of her life whilst trying to get DH on her side with the 'poor me I'm not the centre of attention' scenario. I've just stayed out of it and not seen/spoken to her since whereas he has to put up with it so he can see his grandchildren (pretty certain she would use them as leverage to get her own way - same as BM did with SD36 & SS34).
Regarding parties at our home - we don't tend to have them any more because of the SD36 issue, we have not celebrated wedding anniversaries or significant birthdays other than a meal out. She has 'unfriended' me on Facebook so at least I don't have to worry what photos etc I put on in case I inadvertently offend her
What a mess. DH & I have been together almost 30 years & SD36 is the only thing we ever seem to argue about. She was always spikey as a child but I thought once she grew up & had her own kids she'd be fine - how wrong I was

She may have told him she

She may have told him she won't go if you are there. that is just speculation but whatever the case, you should come first and he should be asking you if you want to go or not. I do not agree with the others about bios having time alone. At the end of the day you will be the one holding his hand in his last moments of life (and vice versa). You will be the one pushing him in a wheelchair, etc --need I be more graphic. Get real with the bio stuff. It comes in handy when needed but when the going gets tuff they run. Sorry but I would be coming down on DH like an A-bomb if he pulled this on me.

In my case; I am the

In my case; I am the caregiver for my disabled DH (30 years). His daughter doesn't see a problem with letting me do all the work and take all the grief from DH and herself.

I won't elaborate on what SD knows I think of her. I won't be attending SD's BBQ!

DH and I always decide

DH and I always decide together if we go to a function alone or together. That's with skid functions, local functions, whatever we're doing. I can just imagine what would happen if he TOLD me I couldn't attend something. Oh hell no.

I generally get along with my skids, but I don't always want to participate in whatever they have going on. Same with DH and my kids. So sometimes we go as a couple, sometimes not, we make that decision ourselves (as a healthy and loving couple), and there is no drama.

This type of situation is

This type of situation is what I am dealing with. I finally decided that I would take control of my own decisions.

I told my DH that I was very capable of making my own decisions, he would not make decisions for me. Then I had a talk with my SS58 and DIL (whom I get along with very well). I told them; "I love your Dad very much and want to have our retirement years to be happy and comfortable. SD56 does not like me, nor can she be respectful to me; therefore if I do not attend family functions, it is not because of you two, it's because I do not feel comfortable around SD and her family. Your Dad and I have discussed this, therefore, we have no problem with this arrangement. I am to the point of stopping this game playing and I also do not care what anyone thinks. It is DH and my business; it does not belong to SD56 or anyone else."

My DIL said she understood and my SS58 said nothing, but has always been nice to me and treated me with respect. SS58 still treats me with the upmost respect, and knows that I spoke exactly what I met.

I'm not saying to do this, just saying what action I was forced to take.

I will not be attending a BBQ this next weekend that SD56 is having (up the street) for a birthday/father's day combination (DH, SIL, birthdays and Fathers Day). I am having a surprise birthday BBQ this week with friends here at our home, no family, for DH's upcoming birthday. DH is not my father, let his kids enjoy him. We will be going to my father's 100th birthday celebration on Father's Day to a neighboring State.

I see no problem with making other arrangements to take the stress out of the situation for everyone.

Good Luck!

Thanks sammigirl - it has

Thanks sammigirl - it has helped me so much finding this forum and realising that I'm not alone, your advice is appreciated and I am really just trying to get my head around all this. The last few years have been absolute hell where the rift situation is concerned, I feel I need to just draw a line in the sand now and step over it - onwards & upwards x

You can just do as you feel

You can just do as you feel comfortable and no explanation or drama is needed. I just say "no" and do never give an explanation. It just causes an argument anyway.

I would send a text to your

I would send a text to your SS thanking him for the invitation but explaining that you will not be attending at your husband's request. Thank him again for thinking of you and tell him that you will look forward to seeing him another time.

No mention of SD, the rift or your DH's reasons behind his request. Just a polite acknowledgement of the invitation and a short decline. Don't let your DH and your SD disrupt your relationship with your SS.

Thanks notasm3 - that's

Thanks notasm3 - that's really good advice, I will do this x

I agree with notasm. "I

I agree with notasm. "I would send a text to your SS thanking him for the invitation but explaining that you will not be attending at your husband's request." This exposes your DH as the spineless whimp that he is. I wonder why feels too uncomfortable to defend his marriage to SD but feels comfortable enough to throw you under the bus.

There are so many DH's (including mine) who do this. The way this is usually resolved is that the SM starts placing herself first and foremost - even before the marriage. By valuing ourselves we convey the message that we will no longer be treated with disrespect even if it means he has to leave the house to visit with the skids.

Like Sammi, I would rather be excluded from events that include SD but I HAVE explained to DH's family why I do not want to be around her. The big surprise was that they said they couldn't blame me. But if DH made the decision for me that I could not attend a family function because SD was going to be there I would make sure I WAS there. I would suggest to him that he call SD and tell her to suck it up or stay away.

Sandye21, I think you should

Sandye21, I think you should start your own blog with this heading: The way this is usually resolved is that the SM starts placing herself first and foremost - even before the marriage. By valuing ourselves we convey the message that we will no longer be treated with disrespect even if it means he has to leave the house to visit with the skids.

You are so right! I’m beginning to realize that many people see SMs as the second (or third, etc.) wife and not as her husband’s wife period. And, since she is the 2nd wife, most people think that is how she should be treated—literally—like the ex- is #1 wife and SM is #2 wife. Even though it is the year 2016, they adhere to the old biblical view of the year 0016, when there were multiple wives and a definite pecking order. THUS, SM, or wife #2, is little more than a servant girl, and expected to defer to not only her husband, but his children, AND his ex- as well. SM is supposed to play her part as any servant girl would and stay out of their way and pick up after them. Not only will some husbands of SM’s swallow this Koolaid, but I’ve even seen so-called professionals or other SMs snort it down as well, as in telling SMs they need to learn to suck it up and take it, etc. Yeah, you are supposed to be the universal punching bag and pay the ultimate price for someone else’s divorce, which makes about as much sense as you having to serve jail time for a crime someone else clearly committed. No one other than a SM would be told to suck it up and take what can figuratively or literally be abuse.

Anyway, to get back to your comment, because many people have this attitude, I agree with you 100% that the only way for a SM to be taken seriously is to insist on it, or as you stated, “starts placing herself first and foremost,” because everyone else will be placing her 2nd, 3rd, 4th, or worse. You should not be enabling DH to treat you as anything other than wife #1, because that is what you are. This is the year 2016 and not 0016.

I am wife #3 and have been

I am wife #3 and have been with my DH longer than he was with the first two wives put together. I am the love of his life.

My SD24 (who belongs to BM2) realizes this; she knows that I am THE ONE.

Not only does she know that my DH would not put up with her disrespecting me (or him) but she knows that I would not put up with it. I would put her in her place in a New York minute.

I am wife #3 too, and like

I am wife #3 too, and like you have been with my DH longer than he was with the first two wives put together. I like to think I am the love of his life.

But, unfortunately my SKs have drank the Koolaid (above) and feel I am to tow the line for the family ills and it is husband first, ex- second, then kids, with me tailing behind at the end.

Sounds like your DH was proactive and presented you as his wife from day #1, which is great! Mistake we made was in not doing that right away. My DH just assumed it was easier to go along with BM for the most part, and the kids would seek out his side of the story when they were older and that they would understand. Big mistake! DH should be promoting you as his one and only/wife from day 1.

I believe DH's family

I believe DH's family understand why I stay away from SD's events; in fact SS58 and DIL will not attend if BM is included. I don't feel bad about my disengagement from SD, after all the years and hate social media she and grown SGD31 has directed towards me.

DH knows also, but he has a difficult time with the fact that we aren't a "well blended, bonded family". My answer to him, "you created the situation, live with it". DH hasn't pushed it for a long time.

Sandy21: I have decided I will attend when "I want to attend", for whatever reason. This BBQ, this weekend, does not include BM. I will not be attending anyway, because it does include SD56 and SGD31, who have not only made enemies with myself, but SD56's own son (my SGS32 and family). Another story to be posted down the road. I just don't feel comfortable this weekend, doesn't mean I won't attend another event down the road.

Just wondering if your DH is

Just wondering if your DH is concerned about how YOU will behave/react or how his daughter will behave.

Because I can tell you right now, no matter how old I am, my dad would have no problem telling me to straighten up and behave, if I was acting like an ass. Your DH should do the same with his daughter.

My DH would never ask me not to go somewhere because his daughter might have an attitude.

I agree with hereiam and

I agree with hereiam and SuperJew. Your DH is sending the message that his daughter's feelings are more important than yours! You should be number one in your husband's life, not his adult daughter who needs to get over the fact that Daddy has remarried.

I agree with Hereiam,

I agree with Hereiam, SuperJew and JLRB, people get in arguments all the time when their aren't steps involved and still attend functions together. Some people in the real world call it "family".

Comments seem to be

Comments seem to be disappearing from this post.

EDITED TO ADD: I was on wrong post; sorry!

Sally: This is what happened

Sally: This is what happened when SD56 wrote me the 2 page hate email; it gave me all the outs I needed. Of course I didn't respond to the email, just printed it out and DH read it. I still have the email and can always review it with DH, when he expects me to attend her aggressive events.

I love the words written down, no misunderstanding for anyone!

Thanks Sally for your reply -

Thanks Sally for your reply - I think that's good advice & we do still have SS over for dinner from time to time without feeling we have to invite SD. You're right I must think of it as the golden ticket I will no longer then have to be in BM's company either (as her and SD are joined at the hip).
I will look on this as a positive as you suggest, but I just wonder what would happen if SS marries for example - he would wish me to be there I think...ho hum, no point worrying about the future - I'm really bad for that!

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Told not to attend party