2Tired4Drama: I could not have answered OP better than you. I did all of the above, except I disengaged "all or nothing" from SD. If I had it to do over, I would go slower and a piece at a time.

I let myself be backed into a corner over 30+ years and then it all broke loose at once. I suggest taking it slow and just as you stated.

I am very happy with my disengagement and it has been very good for our marriage. The only regret: I didn't do it years ago and much slower.

I used the slow disengagment technique and it worked for me. Conversations about ss's were kept short, just enough to validate that DH was heard and then we moved on. skid/Gskid birthday's, holidays, all the shopping was turned back over to DH. No more cooking and cleaning for the herd while they all sat on their a$$es and watched me work. "Oh skids are dropping by? What are YOU planning on doing for them for dinner?" Gskids were hungry or wanted to play, "Go ask Grandpa Learning."

I never announced anything, or told DH that I was done. I simply stopped doing. A great side effect is that skids have stopped coming over so much since I'm not facilitating and catering.

DH hasn't said much about it except, "I know it makes you upset when I talk about ss32." My response was "What?" accompanied by an innocent look of confusion.

Like you said, the imbalance of it all is hard and it's confusing to be hated for that fact that you are married to someones father.

i agree that no "announcement" need to be made.

just put your plan into action as start "backing away."

i no longer have the need to be in my skids lives. i do not have the desire to hear about their lives from dh, and i simply dont care.

if dh tells me about one of the skids, i just reply "oh thats nice." i leave it at that.

Thanks so much for your input about disengagement.....I have been trying to "fix", engage, and try to make a transition with my Husband's two younger adult children...25 and 32...We just recently were married, I am 68 DH is 73.

We have been together for almost 9 years with no thoughts of marriage and we both lost our spouses to illness. The daughger teaches English in Taiwan, the son is a recent officer in the Navy. Even when we were first dating, I found the two children, still living at home at that time, rather "different"...No rules, No boundaries, pretty much Lording over their father. I found my DH to be great fun, engaging, loving and very independent when away from these two kids (he has two older children living in another state he ignored for 27 years and has reconnected with and I adore and we have a grand time when together). But when the two younger ones would be in the same room with us when I would visit him at his home, he would jump on command.

at the time, when dating, my DH got very ill, dangerously ill. The two adult children did not come to visit him. I was driving almost everyday after work to see him in another town an hour away, then when he got home I had to visit to infuse special meds into his pic line. This was way before I even considered being in a long term relationship. During this time, both children would act like I was invisible when they would come home. Both had PT jobs, and would come in walk past us, go to thier rooms and slam the doors....I questioned, but with him being so sick he had enough to deal with.

Eventually the son went off the college, daughter off to taiwan to teach (her deceased mother was chinese raised in Taiwan) so there was extended family there, who by the way have found the niece/daughter/SD to be offensive to them, so I'm not alone in my opinion how she acts. My DH, after over a year asked me to move into his home, which I did. I firgured, they're grown, off doing thier thing....talk about Naive at 60....wow,,,,,,and I had been a step mother before with decreased husbands three children, but never took the active roll of being a "mother figure" since those kids had a mother already ....

Now we are in a spot where the two adult children's attitudes have escalated through the past 7 years to a point they have accused me of stealing, throwing and hiding their mothers things (it was all put in storage paid by DH "grand national bank" of flowing funds to these two kids. I learned early on to NOT ever been in a room alone with them unless DH was there, yet they claim all these remarks I made to them that have forced them "to be in therapy and I, the daughter and paying out of MY pocket for both of our counseling sessions, which are very EXPENSIVE. Because we are so depressed and distraught over how we have been treated".

After 8 years of accusations, which i finally addressed piece by piece in an email to them with final thoughts that if they felt so targeted by me, perhaps they need to reconsider attending a party we are holding in september to celebrate our marriage until they are in a better place. To say my email did no good is an understatement as they fired back with the same 8 years of accusations of things I supposedly did, stole, said, etc.

Its all a shame, but I do have to disconnect from them. I feel i gave it every shot to do things, plan things to make their visits with their father wonderful (he has been critically ill 4 times in the past 9 years.....the children have showed no level of empathy towards their father during any of these illnesses, the last being cancer, with chemo and bladder removal) I have enough to do making sure he stays well at this point. My priority is my DH. I set my boundaries a long time ago and when breached I have politely told whichever of the two children that their behavior toward me or their father (when it involved me) was unacceptable.....and for me was a dead subject once dealt with.

I have told my DH this past week, I will not allow them to only come to this house for a party in september celebrating our marriage when they refuse to engage with me, will not acknowledge my presence when in a group situation, will not even say hello unless DH says something to them. The son is only one hour away and after DH's surgery he asked his son to help him with a few yard tasks and come see him (he shouldn't have had to ask) and the son wanted to come after dark when the work would have been impossible to do in the dark outside.

So my DH knows I am totally done with these two Steps......he knows I will not tolerate disrespect from either of them in OUR home, or any other time (which i will now not engage in) That he certainly can see them alone, no issue with that, but they will not when SD is visiting from Taiwan in four weeks (she will in the US for 3 weeks, dad paid for her to come to be at party in september, and has always paid for her to come home) she and her brother will not call constantly to have alone time with thier father day after day and disinclude me.....thankfully DH agrees, he will see them during her visit to the US, She is not staying with us, but her brother in next town, who lives with two other Navy officers in a small 3 BR house (mmmm) but her choice, as truely I don't want her here in our home.

So thank you for the disengagement post, something I've had to do a couple of times with people when I was stupid enough to allow thier negativity to enter my life and I was stupid enough to think i could fix the sitatuion....the shame of all this, its a horrible game they are playing and I refuse to play. Its sad to watch, as things could be wonderful as it is with the two older children.....and shameful how they treat their dad and how he has allowed it. His recent email and mine did nothing to improve the sitatuion, but it was a last ditch effort . My DH has gone to counseling several times in the past 8 years to get help in how to try to turn this around, but his illnesses have certainly interrupted the process. So we sit here 9 years later with no resolution and I really dont see it happening anytime soon, the saddest part is their behavior will overflow into their own personal lives if they dont find a level of empathy to others, much less thier father and I.

Thanks for listening

Love it,,,youre right,,,does no good telling the spouse....mine gets defensive "their my kids and i love them" and my response was, "they are your kids and of course you love them, doesnt mean I like how they behave". I gave up saying anything as he always knee jerks

Love it,,,youre right,,,does no good telling the spouse....mine gets defensive "their my kids and i love them" and my response was, "they are your kids and of course you love them, doesnt mean I like how they behave". I gave up saying anything as he always knee jerks

CANYOUHELP: You mentioned "that is where I am at now"; disengagement is exactly like grieving/death in one way. There are steps/stages of getting thru the process. Divorce is somewhat the same process. If OP reads here, there are many people in many different stages of disengagement.

Disengagement is like death and divorce, it is different for different people, because it has different circumstances. Also it gets better and easier with time and patience, if you set your mind to getting thru it.

When I took control of my life and carried out with my disengagement for me and nobody else, it worked. My DH has withheld affection from me, since disengaging; but I have learned to deal with that part of it also.

Like you stated here, I refuse to take the blame. I did not betray DH, as he betrayed me. I did not raise his spoiled brat SD; that is on DH and BM. So I just refuse to let them drag me down with withholding affection and/nor speaking to me for periods of time. When they act like idiots, I know my disengagement is working.

SD told me she didn't want to be around me and didn't want anything to do with me. I obliged her; she just never dreamed I could stand up for myself, or would I not "love her".

Again, DH's fault from the beginning. We are doing well; because I let it all go and have my own life. I love my DH and always include him. If he chooses to not join me, that's his right and his choice.

With all of this said; we have our days and will always have hurdles. But I love my freedom and will do fine.

I did disengage from my DH, where SD and her family are concerned. This disengagement from my DH concerns their activities ONLY. It has nothing to do with DH and I; although it has effected our relationship, it is different now. It comes with disengagement, in my case, because DH wants a "Brady Bunch" family. My SD and her family are just people to me and treat me rude; so I stay away from them and will never engage with them again. They had their chance for 30+ years and refused to play nice.

I do not invite SD and family to my house; that is up to DH. The entire relationship between DH and SD is their thing; I have nothing to do with it. I will go with DH to gatherings that he invites me to, if I feel comfortable. I stay on mutual grounds with SD and family; I will not go to her home or be on her grounds. SD comes to our home to visit DH; I do what makes me feel comfortable, when she visits her Dad, which isn't too often any way.

The entire disengagement lies on my DH. He allowed his grown kids to be disrespectful and rude. The entire blame lies on DH and BM for the manner in which his kids were raised, not my doing; therefore, I will not allow it to reflect on me.

Disengagement is confusing, because it does change feelings between spouses. I will never trust my DH nor SD, in regards to their relationship (together) with me. They are on their own. I'm moving forward. By the way, this has taken me 8 years to reach the point of not caring what they think, thus NOT letting it effect me.

There are times it flares up, but it is much easier to handle now that I don't care. SD will forever be in my life; how I handle it is up to me.

This is the future situation that I am probably facing. SD is getting married and their intention is to start a family ASAP. My mantra has become "expect nothing." I will treat any future gskids the same way I treat their mother, the SD. Avoid when possible, and the few occasions when I must see I them all I will be formally friendly - like I would with any other stranger.

Whatever relationship my SO develops/maintains with his future gskids is on him. I am nothing to their mother (SD) so I don't expect that I will have any role whatsoever. That's fine by me. I know that going in so I won't be putting my heart out there hoping for anything more.

In your case, you should not expect that your DH will treat your grandson the same as his own. He won't. And his behavior towards his own gskids will probably not change; he will continue to tip-toe around the parents so that he won't lose access to the little ones. Do your best to not be around and see it. Avoid discussions about it and disengage as best you can.

Sadly, it was predictable that your DH would not see things your way. People rarely are when presented with truths about their loved ones - especially their kids (adult or otherwise).

This is why I suggest that those who want to disengage not have discussions or announcements about it. Just stop ENGAGING! Find excuses to not be around. Change the subject when skids come up. Etc.

If money to skids is an issue, then talk about changing some of the overall financial situation with the (unspoken) goal of ensuring you have enough to make an escape if you absolutely have to. Thankfully, I did not get married to my SO and I avoided this huge financial and legal nightmare that so many others face.

Many couples separate finances and experiences, and it can work quite well. It depends on what perspective you take. While I admit to having some occasional resentments that my SO's kids are closed off to me, the same could be said about others in his life. For example, he may have friends he does sporting activities with that I have no interest in. I am glad he enjoys it but it's a part of his life I don't need to be involved with. Likewise with some things/people I am involved with.

Mentally, I try to put SD into that same category - someone who is important to my SO, but I have no need of being involved with.

"I had a flare today. Wonder if everybody does."

Guilty. Had a big one last week. I don't believe it will go away entirely. If someone else treated me like dirt - and this has happened - DH wouldn't give that person the time of day. When it's OSD I have to live with it because it's his DD, and there's the fact that he allowed it so long because he did not want to get in the middle.

Your DH is hanging out with people who wished you harm. Having a good time catching crumbs of approval. Feelings of past betrayals come gurgling back up. He's a puppy with a big leash, and you feel like crap when they are holding it, even if it's for a few days. I know this feeling all too well. I tell myself DH has the right to see his children, which he does, and what a relief it is that OSD lives so far away. But it doesn't make the resentment go away.

peacemaker, what words of wisdom do you have for dealing with resentment? Many of us feel that the physical part of disengaging is so much easier than the emotional part. Do you still feel resentment yourself?

disrestup - I had to do the same thing... at the moment the rudeness was subjected on to me I made him take notice. If you do it later they will say they didn't notice anything. Whether or not that is the truth, I don't know. But somehow in doing this action he started taking notice of things and stepping forward to deal with them. Even at the exclusion of his own children as it is not right for the treatment that SM's receive from a divorce of the skid's parents.