Continue to be polite.

I have disengaged from the skids (2 girls, 2 boys) and will never again attempt to have ANY kind of relationship with the girls, who are 21 and 24. Something happened recently where they showed exactly what kind of beeyotches they truly are - miniatures of their mother, BioHo - and I don't associate with people like that. I will make NO attempt to contact them. If they call me, I will let it go to voice mail and will listen to it later. I don't care what they want. I don't care if they "need" something (when they call DH, it is ALWAYS for $$$). If they were anyone else, they would be dead to me.

I, too, have never spoken an ill word about their mother to them. I've said plenty about her here. I have ALWAYS been nice to them. Nice, warm, caring, took their calls, met them when they needed to talk, gave them rides, helped them in numerous ways... Never again.

However, they are DH's daughter and stepdaughter. Because I love and respect my DH, I will be POLITE. I will treat them like I would treat a stranger who came into my place of work: politely, professionally, and impersonally. I will offer NO information about myself. I will NOT ask them anything personal. Conversations (on my part) will be brief. I honestly no longer care how they are and have no interest in their lives.

As far as social media... if you are talking about FB, are you already 'friends' with them? If so, you can limit what they see by placing them in a special 'category', then blocking that category when you don't want them to see something.

If it's important for your DH that you be there, perhaps you can compromise and be there for SOME things. But when you do go, treat them like strangers and simply be polite.

Hi
To start I think it is good that you don't seem pressured by DH into getting along with his kids. When I first met my DH (8 years ago) I did feel that he wanted me to be involved with his kids more than I eventually became comfortable with. In the end, seven months ago, I disengaged. I think it is reasonable that your skids don't want a relationship outside of their dad's company. They already have their own family, as you do yours. I would never want to see my skids by myself. I once bumped into OSD when out shopping once and she tried to ignore me- this was in the very early days and how I wish I had walked by her too!
I think this is especially understandable as there was another stepmum before you. It was the same with me and I just feel they see me as they saw her, as a threat to their relationship with their dad.
My family and DH's have met though more by coincidence than design- they are all grown up so are pleasant and polite but they have little in common. It isn't easy- these people have had a whole load of trouble and upheaval in their lives before you came along. Accepting this made me feel better about trying to 'fix' things. You can't fix them.
As to social media, I have had to block my OSD but remain Facebook friends with MSD and SS, although the exchanges are on a very superficial and sporadic level.
I was naive too- but then I learned that not engaging in the first place would have been the best option for me. It is better that I disengaged when I did.

Be polite. That is all you need to do, and all you should expect from them. If they are not at minimum courteous and polite to you, then you don't need to be around them at all.

Give up any idea you have that your kids and your DH's kids should be friends or instant family. That is sort of what my SD expected, although DH and I never expected or pushed the "happy family" scenario. We had hoped they could be in the same room with each other, but SD presumed she was in charge of her own siblings and my kids because she was the oldest. My DD didn't do something "right" at her own wedding, and SD got all pissy about it. I don't know to this day what it was. Don't care. She and DD no longer speak. That's between them. SD and I are cordial and polite to each other, and she allows me a place as a grandmother to her kids. That part is terrific.

If your DH's kids want a relationship with you, ok, but it sounds like they don't unless your DH is along. That is fine. Also sounds like they don't care about a relationship with your kids. Also fine. All you can really do is support the relationship your DH has with his kids.

I have also encouraged my DH to spend time alone with his kids. If he doesn't want to without me being there, then that's on him, not me.

We all make the mistake of trying too hard and getting our feelings hurt. Stop trying for or expecting a relationship with adults that would, except for your DH, be strangers to you. If a friendship develops with one or more of his kids, that's a bonus. But don't look for it and don't take anything personally.

DH and I used to do lots of things with his grandkids when they were small, but as they have got older I found they were just turning into what their own families were making them and I enjoyed their company less and less. I haven't seen them for four months and really don't miss them at all- I have my own grandchildren and I adore them, I don't need anyone else's. I am no longer invited along when DH goes to see his kids, I have lots of my own stuff to do and it really is better that way for all of us. MY DH equally has a kind heart, but his kindness is extended to me less and less these days.

I can't speak from personal experience because my SS's are not all adults.
However, My dear friend is a SM to four adult stepkids. Three of the four adore her and treat her like gold. They are amazing kids and the kind of step family you wish you could have. Her oldest SD is the odd man out. She has some strange loyalty to BM and tends to be snide, standoffish and just rude at times. She has been hateful to her father (who was the main caregiver) and seems to ignore the fact BM had an affair that broke up the family.

How does my dear friend handle it? She doesn't. She doesn't go out of her way to treat them differently but she doesn't go out of her way to try to win OSD over. She treats OSD very kind when she is around but doesn't try to force a relationship. She keeps in touch with the three who care about her. She lets OSD come to her if she wants. My friend understands this is just how OSD is and she doesn't take it personally.

Don't try too hard, stop caring about whether they like you or not and just enjoy the relationship you have with the two who are good to you.

I believe that in most cases when you marry a man with adult/semi-adult children then you are not really their "stepmother" in the sense that they will live in your home (even eowe) etc... Generally and probably logically, you will be considered "dad's wife"

A lot of the dynamics of your relationship will hinge on the reasons for your DH's split from their mother.. how long ago it was.. whether you were involved and how bitter his EX is about the split etc... In other words, if your DH had a messy divorce from a bitter EX and she is still holding a grudge, expect a less than warm welcome from the kids even if you had no part in that yourself. You are simply the embodiment of their mom's replacement and they will project those hurts on you.

Now, it's always a possibility that your husband's children may be perfectly nice enough, but not interested in a "family" relationship with you. Perhaps they are busy with their own lives and whatnot.. but in their eyes, it's not necessarily a requirement to build any relationship with you outside the interactions that occur because you are married to their father.

So, my basic advice would to be kind and pleasant. I would not hold out high expectations for a close and personal relationship like having lunches out etc... The kids most likely would see having too close of a relationship with you as being disloyal to their mother. In any case, if they are busy, they may just not have much time anyway. This happens even to bio parents. Kids get too busy to include their parents in things.

So, treat them as distant relatives or acquaintances that you will see from time to time in social situations. Polite, friendly but no need to push for a closer relationship unless they are interested in one. This shouldn't bother your husband one way or the other.. he wants to include you in his life which includes doing things with his kids... but don't be pressured to do more than those types of events

It sounds like you have tried to make it work a long time, just like most of us. And, just like most of us the harder we tried to be included, the more it became clear we were excluded from "their" family.

At first I was hurt that I was treated this way, but then I started thinking realistically. Would I ever be friends with people who act this way toward me in the first place? That answer helped me take my first steps in healing emotionally from this never-ending mess I married. I, like others here, see them as strangers he associates with, but I do not. I cannot be around them, anytime I was even present, there was/is a problem with me or DD, no matter how kind I tried to me and the same for my DD.

They did us a favor, I no longer doubt myself or put myself or DD through the torment. Being left out was a lot worse around them than being away from them. I was forced to block them from all social media, etc., they are "his" family, so they communicate only with him.

God does work in very mysterious ways~

I guess I see this different than most people that have posted. If you don't want to attend functions but you do so that you don't hurt DH but DH doesn't get his adult kids in line so they aren't hurting you then why are you worried about protecting DH? Seems to me that the street goes both ways.

Do you find yourself normally hanging out with people that don't treat you the way you'd like to be treated?

I am an adult step child. My mother remarried as my father is deceased. So I talk from personal experience of being an adult step child and being a step mother myself.

The relationship to an adult step parent is completely different. As the "child" in this relationship I need nothing from my mother or my step father. Therefore my approach to my step father is that of a peer or an approach to any other adult that I may meet. I do not see my step father as a father: he is my mother's husband. The only consideration I have in evaluating him is: do you make my mother happy? I cared about nothing else in how I initially judged him. The answer to that question is yes. Over the last 7 years, I have come to know him, love him and have a good relationship with him too. I still see him as my mother's husband and possibly my friend - with the added respect I have for elderly people and a boundary of respect he has earned through who he is. He is a good man and I am grateful he is such a good companion to my mother. I can ask no more of him.

You can not dictate or how any relationships with any of your or his children go. You need to let it play out. Where I have a good relationship with my step father, my brother is cordial with him and my sister openly dislikes him. That is my sister, not my step father's doing. My sister can be a cranky b!tch.

The approach they have taken as a couple with adult children and step children, is to put their relationship and marriage first. They are cordial to each other's children and their own, but they do not attempt to deal with each other's cranky kids. That is left to the biological parent to sort out - and my mother has been quite short with my sister, putting her in her place numerous times.

My stepfather has three daughters. One is friendly to my Mom, one is openly hostile to my mom and her dad. She has always also been a problem child and wasn't speaking to her dad when he met my mom. The other daughter is quite lovely and a good friend of mine.

So the reactions of children on both sides can be mixed. You would benefit most to treat the children cordially and set boundaries with them. Decide with your husband how you wish to deal with your own children and each others. However, make your husband a priority, because as adults, the "children" have their own lives and no right to tell you how to live yours. Remember here, you are dealing with grown people. I wont say adults, as some adult children fail to behave in an adult manner.

If you are social media friends with your step children, I would unfollow their posting so that you dont see it - it can cause problems and issues. Sometimes they may upset you, rather don't comment or see it at all. It can look like you are friends, without you seeing the stuff problem kids post.

It is not easy to navigate a life with adult step kids. They don't have the boundaries or limitations real children have. They also bring with them adult problems. As long as you put your marriage first - and childproof it - you should do fine.

Just say NO to facebook.

Sharing pictures and info can be done in person OR united states postal service. IF they ask for it.

So much drama even for well intended decent people.

jmo

A friend of mine who I grew UP with, parents divorced when she was very young. Dad remarried and mom also remarried. Anyway Dads new wife was just awful to my friend and so where the new wifes mean step sisters. Frieds dadas new wife would attend family events and SIT there all dolled UP, not one single hair out of place. She NEVER ever say one single word. All she did was have this smirk of a pasted smile on her face for several hours.

Gosh that was over 30 years ago and to this day I can STILL see that smirk on her face as if she is sitting across from me.
My point is don't be like that ugly step mom and her ugly step sisters. Be cordial but do not be a doormat OR used OR abused.
You should know by now what those differences are.

All wonderful advice here.

Disengage with the troublesome ones. Go low, or no contact. Give the same politeness you would give to a stranger on the street.

I think my only advice would be something pertaining to social media. I would recommend keeping all of your DH’s children on the same info lockdown. As in, have them all on the same level of what’s visible.

Siblings talk. You wouldn’t want one of his kids having access to your posts, another one not, and that information getting out. That could cause more of a riff in your relationships, and come back to bite you in the butt.

Good luck!

Don't go if you don't want to go and are essentially going to be ignored. This happens to me, too, when the 3 skids come by our house...so I know exactly what you're talking about. Why would you sign up for that? You say it hurts your husband's feelings if you suggest he go alone...but it sounds like it hurts YOUR feelings when you go and get put on the back burner? Is that correct? Why are you acting like HIS feelings and concerns are more important or valid than yours?

Of course...that's kind of a rhetorical question. I think women think relationally, so we tend to think of our husbands and their feelings and needs before ourselves...and they may not even realize we're doing it.

I've recently started saying exactly how I feel about things...and I've been surprised by how accommodating and willing to change course my husband actually is about most things. Most recently, he was discussing wanting to give OSD $$$ every month to help her out...for the next 6 months to a year. She's moving in December w/her boyfriend in order for her to finish undergrad and him to get an MA...hallelujah they'll be a couple hours away!

Anyway. I got tense all over when he started talking about this. For background...I make far more than my husband and have bankrolled his kids and their pursuits pretty regularly...to my own financial detriment. He works in a very volatile industry, has his own business which I help with...and had a terrible 2016, so I ended up paying for almost everything last year. He's recently started making some $$ again, and is doing much better, which has been a huge relief. I do all the bill pay and accounting bc he's awful with money. It feels to me that, whenever he makes any money or gets any from his parents...he has a million ways to spend it up as fast as possible...or give it away.

Him: "What if we offered OSD some kind of monthly support...what do you think? What was child support for her? Or...what would be reasonable and doable for us? $200? $300?"

Me: "Um...well. Let me think. (pause to gain composure) Actually...I really don't want to do that at all."

Him: "Well. I don't think that doing nothing is reasonable. I mean. I wish we just had some money to give her for her birthday at the end of the month...I know we don't right now. But this way we can sort of...finance that gift to her."

Me: "Well. I feel like you have no savings to speak of and no retirement and are counting on a big inheritance from your parents, which is something that I can't count on. I think that if you can't afford to give the gift outright, then you can't afford it. Plus, we already pay phones for all the kids and we're paying OSD's car insurance...which is already a monthly gift to her. I am willing to keep doing that until she graduates from college."

(Pause)

Me: "Also. I'm just going to be completely honest here. You don't have regular income. If there's a month when you've fully contributed to the household account and have some extra money that you want to gift to your daughter as a one-time thing...I think that's great. I'm all for it. I won't even attempt to worry about you 'paying me back' for all of the months that you didn't contribute to the household at this point...but I would consider any gift from your account to be a gift from both of us since I subsidized the household for so long. When we have a good month if we want to send a financial gift to any of the kids...I'm fine with that. But to add an expected monthly amount to our regular bills...as the one who pays those bills and manages the money...I just know that it will cause me unnecessary resentment toward you and toward OSD, and I don't think our marriage can afford that right now."

He seemed stunned for a moment but then said.

Him: "Oh. Resentment...yeah. That's wouldn't be good. Just so you know...we don't have to do anything for any of the kids once they're grown. My priority is us and our home."

So...maybe just tell your husband how you feel. "Hey. I feel left out and ignored when we hang out with your kids, and that causes me to like you less and feel resentment. I think it's best for our marriage if you see them on your own."

Hello,

I'm new to this forum, but not new to stepparenting. In fact I'm in my second marriage and both involved stepchildren. I learned from the first marriage that you will never love your stepchildren the same way you love your own children and vice versa. From talking to a counselor and reading books on step parenting this is not only ok, but to be expected. The sooner you can accept this the better your relationship will be with your spouse. And that is the relationship that matters.

The second most important thing I have learned is that the BM or BD will always be in your life in some form or fashion. You have to accept that and figure out how to have your own life separate from your spounses "other life" AND have a life with your spouse. In my current marriage I am dealing with both adult stepchildren and a 10 and 15 yr old. It can be a mess sometimes. Somedays I am just getting by.

Thankfully I have a career I love. I could use more friendships as two close friends have moved recently to other cities. My own daughter has just gone off to college and my current spouse is a workaholic. It's a mixed bag. It probably always will be, but I have a reference point of being single for 5 years between the 2 marriages and that gives me perspective.

All in all my marriage provides me more joy than misery and that single life I had gives me the perspective to see it that way. I am lonely at times because of the whole stepchildren, exes, work etc. I keep my contact to the stepchildren minimal even when it is the kids week to spend with us. I don't view it as my job to have a relationship with them, to buy them gifts, or even attend graduations or special events. I keep my own life relatively busy and that is the key. My spouse is ok with that now and has relied on my past experiences.

I don't know if any of this helps, but it helps me to write it down lol. My spouse is working a lot this week and spending time with the kids. I will be planning my own week after I'm done here.

Thanks for listening and have a great weekend everyone

My best advice, is to let your adult stepkids dictate the relationship with you

It's so much easier simply to give them 'what they want' rather than to run after someone endlessly who continually makes it clear they don't want a relationship with you

Of course, be polite and respectful. Always be the bigger person. And that includes respecting their choice, even if it means not having any sort of relationship with them

I spent many, many years trying to 'win over' my SD's (and SIL)

They continually treated me like garbage. The harder I tried, the more they made it clear we were at war, and they wouldn't give up until they had won

I don't regret the years of trying, especially when I finally disengaged from OSD and SIL for good, I certainly didn't feel any guilt considering all I had put in to it

The choice not to have any sort of relationship (other than insecure, jealous competitiveness with me) was their choice, and their's alone

And I've chosen to give them what they "say" they want - no relationship

And then I moved on

When I see them at DH's family functions I'm polite, and never succumb to their games. I say hello, say goodbye, smile and wave, and avoid being around either one of them in the most non-confrontational manner possible

If your skids are sending you messages loud and clear that they could care less about a relationship with you, then after you have put in a reasonable amount of effort to have one with them, and they still keep making it clear they don't want much to do with you, then perhaps it's time to take a step back and just let things be....

That just might be so much less stressful for you, then this constant unreturned effort, and all the hurt and resentment that brings