I have a 4 year old almost SS. The custody arrangement is 50/50, but its broken out so the mother has him during the week for the school year, and we have him all summer and every weekend. His mother completely withheld visitation up until a judge ruled at trial a few months ago, and while we don't know what goes on at BM's house, we suspect that in addition to being completely insane she's also a lousy parent.

SS is a good kid, but somewhat delayed, he was barely verbal up until he started pre k per the court order two months ago, and he can speak simple phrases and sentences now, but has the communication abilities of a much younger child. And he throws absolutely ridiculous temper tantrums when he doesn't get his way. He will scream at the top of his lungs like he's being murdered until he get's what he wants, and since he started school, (and probably witnessed another kid doing it) he will now hit other people and himself too. If you put him in timeout he will stay in the chair, but will kick the wall the floors and the chair and will beat on anything he can reach with his fists, including his own face.

We suspect his mother is encouraging the tantrums by folding immediately to whatever the child wants. On a recent visit, we took SS to toys R us to buy him a bicycle, and he threw such a fit in the store because we wouldn't let him play with another toy we passed we ended up leaving without buying it. When my boyfriend mentioned it to BM, she replied that "SS shouldn't have to suffer for the tantrum," and my BF is a "horrible parent for not buying the bicycle." No matter what her precious angel did.

The mother is an only child who still lives with her parents, along with the boy on her time. I've witnessed the grandparents (who live with SS) encouraging bad behavior as well. We were in a restaurant, and SS started touching the window shades. His grandfather reacted by showing him how to open and close them. When SS kept doing it, the manager came to the table and asked him to stop. The grandfather told SS they had to wait until she turns around, and then resumed playing with the shades with him, and told him he should be careful not to let the her see. He's setting a wonderful example.

Recently we bought dinner at a supermarket, and some donuts for desert. And they had a little sitdown area where we sat down to eat. SS refused to eat and only wanted the donuts. When we would not give him the donuts he began wailing and throwing his food. When he wouldn't stop, he was put in a chair facing the wall until he could calm down. In response to which he began screaming at the top of his lungs while hitting himself and kicking the wall. We ignored him. Except customers started staring. And then people started peeking in to make sure that no child was actually being murdered. Eventually the manager came over to ask us if everything was alright. At this point my boyfriend carried still screaming SS out of the supermarket while the little boy kicked and punched at him, and belted him into his car seat until he stopped.

The tantrums are a pretty regular occurrence. Bedtime causes them, seeing something he wants causes them, and they happen pretty often at mealtimes because SS is picky and will often eat only one thing, usually bread or French fries or fried chicken if available, and sometimes nothing at all if they're not. We try to get him to at least try everything on his plate, which has resulted in two hour battles over breakfast and SS being punished in some way for the remainder of the day after throwing or spitting food or screaming bloody murder more than once. They also happen over applying sunscreen, taking showers, and trying to walk in any direction other than the direction that SS wishes to go in when we are out somewhere.

We have limited influence because of the schedule, we only have him weekends. He still has basic "manipulative" tantrums common in children half his age over not getting his way and I suspect they're not getting better because 5 days a week his mother or his grandparents bend to his every whim. I don't think the problem is SS, he is actually is a really good kid for the most part. I've seen him double over crying with guilt when my BF explained to him why it was not okay for him to behave that way, and I've seen him start apologizing hysterically once when he screamed because he got shampoo in his eyes. (He couldn't understand the difference between tantrum screaming and screaming because he was in pain, only that we had told him it was not okay to scream.) Then he goes back to his mom's for 5 days and comes back in full tantrum mode again with everything we've done erased.

In addition to this, I also feel that we have our hands tied as far as discipline goes. BM is a lying manipulative lunatic who denied paternity and withheld the child for several months while the court case was pending and then tried to use that as grounds to argue the child had been abandoned and my BF's rights should be terminated. When that didn't work she told the judge my BF beat her and the child in an attempt to prevent him from getting visitation. When my BF got 50/50 anyway, she began calling the police to do welfare checks. When the police stopped listening, she tried to convince the doctor that a small sunburn was a black eye to trigger mandatory reporting. When the doctor refused, she called DCF anyway and told them we must have beat him and sent him home with a black eye. Luckily I'd had the foresight to photograph SS at the beginning and end of every visit, and we had a nice file to hand the DCF lady full of her insanity from the court case.

With a lunatic like that looking for any reason she can find to cut his father out of his life, I'm pretty sure that practicing any form of corporal punishment, even spanking is a sure recipe for disaster. I understand we are fighting an uphill battle because the BM and grandparents are rewarding tantrums and encouraging lying, and it's going to take a while for him to learn that he can scream and lie to his hearts content over there but it won't be tolerated at daddy's house.

We don't know what can be done beyond putting him in time out and taking toys away or putting him to bed early as far as discipline goes. And he's getting bigger and becoming violent. I mean, it doesn't hurt now because he's 4 but if he's still punching and kicking in a few years? He doesn't stay in bed when we put him there anymore and I'm pretty sure sooner or later he will start refusing to stay in time out. Not only will BM most certainly refuse to support any punishments or rules we put in place, but this is compounded by the fact that his worthless BM and her family appear to be TRYING to raise a narcissist who believes he controls the world.

What do you do about discipline when you can't touch the kid because the BM keeps calling DCF while simultaneously doing her best to undermine everything else you do?