Disengaged but CONFESS... I'm resentful!
I have nowhere else to really mention this so am turning to my ST family to truly just ...vent!!
Been with my SO for 10+ years and have no intention of ever getting married. BEST DECISION EVER! We keep our finances completely separate and go half and half on expenses including household, vacations, etc.
Disposable income is entirely up to each of us on how to spend, although we USUALLY do confer with each other on big stuff simply because we are also best friends and we trust each other's opinions.
It generally works well for us and keeps us from falling into the financial traps/difficulties that so many others have to face when second-time married (w/kids) and funds are joint.
SO and I are nearing retirement and he has recently expressed concerns about how he is going to have to make his savings stretch more than he initially thought. This may impact some of the travel plans we had been looking forward to, as he said he is concerned it may cost more than he may be willing to part with.
My SO's daughter is getting married. SD is very well off both from family trust funds/inheritances as well as a good-paying job. She has more money now than my SO ever will.
I am pretty well disengaged from SD other than a couple of times per year. SO goes and visits her on his own. He recently came back from a visit and THEN he told me he had given her a FIVE FIGURE check for her wedding. She had not asked for it (she has plenty to pay for it on her own) but he said it was his gift to her to use how she chose. I guess the happy couple plans to use it for a luxe honeymoon. Good for them.
Here's my vent. I cannot help but feeling some resentment that some of our 50/50 vacations and retirement travel have been put on hold because he needs to watch his savings. But he has no problem with plonking down five-figures for his millionaire daughter who will be using it for a honeymoon.
I readily admit and flog myself mentally that it's his daughter, it's her wedding, and he can spend his money how he likes. I also have to chastise myself that no matter how much things can be separate, human emotions don't always follow those same boundaries.
I know it's petty but this just chaps me. Particularly since I know that when the big wedding happens, SO and I will be staying in a nearby hotel. And I KNOW he will expect us to split the bill 50/50.
I'm thinking maybe I'll tell him I'm watching my retirement funds and really can't afford it. Wonder what his response will be ... 
I really appreciate your
I really appreciate your insight, HL. You've made some valid observations and ones that I will certainly take to heart - especially when it comes to his reasoning/perspective being different than mine. Intellectually I understand it (it's his daughter, after all) but like most issues, we tend to see it from our own viewpoints.
The good thing is that I am a very independent traveler. I've already come to the conclusion that the "dream" trip(s) I had hoped to take with him may wind up being solo. And I'm perfectly fine with that. I have done quite a bit of travel on my own and have no problem doing it in the future.
What I will not do is defer or put off my own dreams because he has willingly chosen to shift his financial position.
I am already imagining a future where eventual grandskids will also play a part in his decision-making regarding funds and travel time. That is by right his choice to make - but I will not be sitting at home alone because of it.
You have a point, and I would
You have a point, and I would certainly do that! But I have no children so he's off the hook in that regard.
Anything you do related to
Anything you do related to HIS kids should not be 50/50, or I would pull out of going altogether. He would pay for everything regarding HIS kids and me doing activities for HIS kids. I can see where this bothers you f you are always required to pay your half of every single thing. If he has the money to pluck down like this, you do not need to pay your half of a hotel stay.
You are not being ridiculous at all....
Well you all agreed to
Well you all agreed to separate finances and not getting married. Personally I will never ever share my home, and my heart and soul with a man unless we are married and in which case we would share all finances. U seem sad about this and it's heartbreaking for me to listen to this scenario. Here's the blunt truth. Your SO has the best of both worlds. A woman who is his best friend,lives with him, loves him, and yet all of his major financial decisions he keeps separate from you AND there is no real commitment (i.e. Marriage). Not saying marriage cures any issues. But why would u give your life to a man who is not committed to you emotionally AND financially?!??? For me that type of relationship is no longer an option. You are either all the way in or your out. Half way would not be good enough for me.
Also one more thought. If he wanted to speak to you about this he would have but he didn't which indicates that he would have done this with or without your blessing. What other big financial decisions will he make in the future without you. For me his behavior would be unacceptable
My ex was very similar to your SO in that I paid my way for vacations etc etc but he always had money for BM or the kids. Made me feel like a second class citizen and an outsider because I was not part of his existing family unit financially. I left him. Not because I needed his money. I make a lot of money on my own. I left because being an outsider felt so aweful I could not take it anymore. Do not let a man treat you this way. It's not right.
Consider this. If you were a first wife and it was your child together would he have talked to you about it? Probably yes. Why can't u have that same consideration as the first wife.
Second, you struck the right
Second, you struck the right nerve because it's jingling ... summed up in one word, "character." I'm starting to realize why this is bothering me.
One of our relationship foundations has been our similar values. We both believe very much in being self-supporting, living within your means, saving for what you want, etc.
For both of us, paying your own way through life was a sign of integrity and a reflection of your character.
I think that is why this "gift" to SD sticks in my craw.
Those same boot-strap values he espouses (and practices in our life together) are ones that do not apply to SD. In addition, SD's fiance relies on her income completely; he is not self-supporting. He is barely above minimum wage and was renting a room from a relative prior to meeting her.
While shared values and character were an important factor in SO developing and building a relationship with me, they obviously do not apply to SD.
You make it sound like he
You make it sound like he forced these conditions ofntheir relationship onto her. Clearly, the decision not to marry or combine finances was a joint one.
At this stage in life, I would marry, but I would NEVER combine finances or have anyone have a say in how I spend my money.
For the most part, it sounds like their plan works. But now that his kids are getting married and grandkids will be in the picture soon, it's time to revamp things a bit.
And this will be the
And this will be the challenge in the future, how to revamp it so it works. We have not combined finances and generally don't have "a say" in how we spend our respective money, but issues STILL will crop up.
I guess there's no easy answer - especially when money is involved.
My DH and I have totally
My DH and I have totally separate finances. We have two major trips planned for 2017.
I'd be major pissed if DH decided to arbitrarily ditch our plans so he could give the money for his share of the trip to SS, BabyMomma, and/or the GC - or to anybody - even a worthy charity.
To me it's more about cancelling plans that you made together without discussing it with you - not the dollars themselves.
HL, to the best of my
HL, to the best of my knowledge he took the money out of his main savings. He never mentioned having any money specifically set aside for her wedding, but in fairness, it may have been a set-aside that he always had in mind and figured he was going to give to her.
Agree, I am selling myself
Agree, I am selling myself short, which is obviously where the well-spring of resentment is bubbling up from. And you are also right that setting better expectations and being CLEAR about them will be beneficial.
2Tired, I am in A similar
2Tired,
I am in A similar situation - financially independent, sharing a home with SO (which is registered precisely in the % proportions we contributed in capital) but otherwise unmarried and uninvolved financially. When we got together, we compared assets and found we were close to equal, and this to be honest was the basis of our belief we could retire in the same lifestyle.
I watch SO trickling money to his adult skids regularly. At first, I said nothing, believing that it was his choice what he does with his money. But then, it began to be clear that his assets would slowly erode if he kept that up.
However, as time has passed (now near five years) and bigger potential costs are looming, like weddings and grandkids, I have become quietly vocal about the idea of ensuring that we both have sufficient funds to retire on an equal footing. I often bring up cases where I have a "choice" of contributing to a skid's event, or not...and will vocalise my choice to not contribute because I will need that $ myself later. He is gradually getting up the courage to say no to their requests or to his urge to play Daddy Sugarbucks when he can't afford it.
He recently sold a second house he had, and his kids were suddenly asking "Dad will you be retiring now?" Lol...he's only 58. And of course one SS approached him for a loan...that was an emphatic NO thank goodness.
I took the chance to respond to that...erm, no we have a long way to go in our savings until we can comfortably retire. That sent the message loud and clear. I have also been vocal with SO that I will not be funding his travel. He has actually said he understands how I would feel if he limited my choices.
For you, OP, I'd say try as I have to find girls only holidays, or a cooking week, or pilates...something he hates, then go off and do that. If you are truly independent, then you have all the advantage of not being hitched. For me, I cringe at the thought of forcing some guy to share his life savings or heaven forbid pay my way...to me, marriage is for procreation of children and their subsequent raising...not for later in life bankruptcy. The companionship is great, but you cannot sacrifice your retirement for anyone.
Sadly, it is mentally necessary to maintain a Plan B in case SO does not stick to his resolve. I have other women in my travels who finally had to leave relationships where the partner assumed they would fund them no matter what. Be careful your SO is not assuming that about you.
This is why I am not often a
This is why I am not often a proponent of separate finances ... or disengagement.
It makes the balance sheet way too much of a focus in the relationship... and abdicates far to much of the focus of the relationship to kid drama.
Our situation is fairly different than that outlined in the original post. My DW and I married when we had little more than my newly minted engineering degree, two apartments full of college furniture, and two 8+yo cars. SS was a toddler.
Since then we have built our lives and resources together as a team. I knew that to spend my life with the woman I love that I would also have to be dad to her son. He was 15mos old when we met and we married the week before he turned 2yo.
Going all in on resources, etc... has worked well for us. We have always made significant spending decisions together and in the past half-a-dozen or so years our focus has shifted from raising the kid to the push to complete the funding of our retirement. I am nearly 12 years older than she is but my intent is for us to retire together or at lease have the resources to do so. When I am ready to retire if she wishes to continue in her career then that is fine with me and I will support that decision. My estimate is that we will retire together in about 10 years. I will be 63-ish and she will be 51-ish if all goes according to our investment plan. If she chooses to continue with her career I will likely retire and move into selective consulting type work just to fill some of my time until she is ready to pull the plug.
The kid is 24 and doing well in his USAF career, funding his own education (both out of his own resources and utilizing his education benefits), and his mom and I have made it clear that he is no longer on the mom and dad finance plan. My ILs (all of them) are a financial disaster and though my wife and I are the only ones with any capability to support her parents in retirement we will not do it. They will have to deal with retirement at the level that SSI, welfare, and Medicare/Medicaid will provide. That is sad but my wife is far more dedicated to protecting our resources from her family than even I am.
My parents are financially independent and represent no risk to either me or my brother as far as supporting them in retirement is concerned.