2017 Will Be Brighter!
It's been 4 years that I have been in this step life situation.
I have been completely involved (Martha Stewart I call it.) Cooking, cleaning, planning activities etc for skids, all the way to totally disengaged.
Being reflective and with hope for a better 2017...Resolution time!...I have discovered that it is not BM or the skids that I can't stand. It's being second or even fourth in line. It's feeling like the mistress where BM and the skids will always have the ability to enter my life and turn it on it's head. Yes, the whole arrangement of a blended family is not for me. That's where I have all of you to thank for imparting your experience and helping me find what does work for me in this thing.
I have regained a lot of peace in the recent months. I have seen my DH through addiction, DUI, suspended license etc over the years...the treatment program and help he is getting now is working and holding strong. Things are much improving but yes, there is a wake that follows when one was living so recklessly for so long. Namely a rightfully anxious and angry BM who, like me, just wants this man to get it together.
During these four years, I have been on the defense and waiting for the next wave of bad news. I lost myself in this process. I turned into something that doesn't have any semblance of my true self. I lost my health and my zest for life because I was constantly reacting to what was being thrown at me.
I learned something new in these last months. I had to take back my life. This didn't mean disengaging or pretending the skids didn't exist. I simply returned to the things I loved and had neglected all this time.
I changed my name back to my maiden name. I separated all funds. I cleaned my house and set it up the way I like it. I took the vacation I wanted to...alone. I ate at the restaurants I wanted to...alone or with friends. I resumed hobbies that I loved and missed. Oh and I did the damn dishes in the sink even though they weren't mine. And the key was: I FELT HAPPY ABOUT THESE THINGS AND CONFIDENT IN ME AGAIN. I WOULD NO LONGER BE A VICTIM, WAITING FOR DH. I recognized that my life was passing and I had freely given 4 years away to anger, anxiety and disappointment.
The point is, I stopped blaming DH for ruining my life and I stopped waiting for him to change or get it together.
I told myself that I am in control of my life and my feelings and my outcome. I focused my energy on the life I want and soon I was leaving everyone else in the dust. DH, BM, skids, his parents, crappy friends....they started disappearing in the rearview. My life was lighter. It was better and it gave DH a run for his money. He saw I didn't need him anymore and he stepped up a lot. That wasn't my goal, just a nice side effect.
I am still not to the divorce stage even though most of you think I should be. I hear ya! It's mostly the stigma of divorce I am not comfortable with yet. But I am implementing alternative living arrangements and the universe has now provided a way. DH's parents are both ailing and his dad had a serious stroke and will need care at home indefinitely. I think this is the chance for DH and I to live in separate houses for the most part. Many of you have suggested living separately until the skids age out. This could be it.
I want to offer sincere thanks for the advice and camaraderie you all provide. Best to all of us in 2017!
The stigma of divorce opposed
The stigma of divorce opposed to the stigma of being married to a loser? Huh? Sorry but if you're so successful how did you manage to get wrapped up with this loser? You are correct though, you should not be blaming your DH for ruining your life, you should blame yourself, after all it is your choice to continue to stay in this relationship.
Ya, I was thought I could fix
Ya, I was thought I could fix this guy LOL. I am learning how to not seek to 'fix' people. I take full accountability and know how to do this better...next time if it comes to that.
Codependency is the addiction to the POTENTIAL of things.
I was in all sorts of denial
I was in all sorts of denial before I left my craptastic marriage. I think it's more about not wanting to admit you made a horrible decision in life partners than the "stigma" of divorce. Hopefully she figures out why she married a douche bag and does better the next time around.
I don't think it's a matter
I don't think it's a matter of living separately until the steps age out, more a matter of your husband growing up and becoming a responsible adult.
I have been waiting for
I have been waiting for that.....keep waiting and wasting years of my life. Can't do that anymore.
I suspect we will drift apart almost instantly. I am trying to get out of town for the rest of winter. The plan was to go with DH of course but he always has a reason that he can't travel, pay for anything or live life in my opinion. That has kept me waiting around these 4 years and I only just got wise to that fact.
It's always going to be BM needs something, the skids need something, the skids are coming, dad and mom need something. It's easy to let family hold us hostage and steal the good years.
I won't have any children. He
I won't have any children. He had a vasectomy
(No subject)
if I were to give #1 piece of
if I were to give #1 piece of advice to any new SM or anyone about to become a SM, it would be something along the lines as you say above: "It's feeling like the mistress," or servant girl or cabana boy, and so on. This is especially since even some professionals think that a SM's duty is to cook and clean for the kids, watch out for them, and at the same time take care to mind her own business. Interestingly, it appears to have never occurred to any of them that this is exactly how a servant is to act: Serve, clean up, and stay out of the way in the common household. Well, at least a servant usually gets paid!?
I always say: Manipulative, controlling BM and weak, enabling DH = step hell. But, there is another component too, in that at least some in the family, will always see you as an outsider or to be treated as a mistress of sorts rather than father's wife, who is to be treated and thought of just like Uncle Billy's wife or cousin Susie's husband, etc.
This is why so many SMs are openly trashed at weddings, for example. No one would think of splitting up Uncle Billy from his wife, at least certainly not without their permission. But, it is a-OK to split up dad from his wife of 15 years even, without permission from either one of them, because SM = mistress in so many eyes. It doesn't matter that in 95% of remarriages, dad and SM were NOT together prior to the bios' divorce, and it doesn't matter how long dad and SM have been married. As far as BM, SKs may be concerned, they own your DH. You don't. So, this means they can do whatever they want with him without even his permission. This is why dad needs to be proactive and put his foot down from day ONE, or else SM will be servant girl and behind SKs, BM, family dog and DH, for sure.